Friday, February 04, 2005

I am weary.

Two days ago, things were humming along fine, and yesterday they arrived
at a screeching, train-wreck, engulfed-in-flames halt. Things are bad,
bad, bad. And when one thing goes bad, everything else starts to look
bad. It all unravels. My life is built on a house of cards and now I'm
playing 52 pick-up.

So, since I'm being moody, humor me. I'm fucked. I wrote my seminar prof
and told her I couldn't be in class because I have an interview. that's
true. What's more true is that I can't finish reading the book in time
for class because I have to spend the next 48 hours redoing this project
that I apparently did all wrong. As soon as I finish this research, I
decided, I'm quitting. I don't have time to research for $10/hr, not
while I'm still interviewing anyway. I'm going to be out of town most of
next week but still have so much work to do for the clinic and trial ad.
I will do no homework next week b/c of interviews and that will only make
next weekend 400 times worse.

It is Friday night and I will be in the library until Sunday.

Everyone else is at a party tonight. And tomorrow night. and the party's
at my house Sunday. I hate EVERYTHING.

And work stress becomes eating badly, biting my fingernails off, and
ultimately, life stress. What the fuck am I doing? I'm really applying
to PD offices in every country in the East and Mid-West? Why? Do I want
to be there? Where the fuck am I going to be living next year? What if I
hate it? Should I even be doing PD work? What about juvenile work? What
if no one ever, ever, ever loves me again? What if I end up lonely
forever? Why can't I just fall asleep in someone else's arms tonight,
just this once?

Dear God, please let me rest. Even you had Sundays. I don't even have
that until at least May.

And it's all I can do to stop from just bursting out into tears in the
middle of the library. And I've been like this all day. It's unbearable.

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