R.I.P., dangly earring.

I'm under the influence of merlot and tequila. Now's the time to leave if you're looking for something thoughtful and coherent.

What's worse than losing your favorite pair of earrings? Losing one of the earrings in your favorite pair. I just arrived home, thinking, 'well gee, tonight wasn't a total loss' and when I looked in the mirror, I discovered I was missing an earring. A long, dangly, recently purchased, chandelier-sounding earring. I am so upset by this that I am absolutely going out tomorrow and buying another pair, if they still exist. There is no other way to cure this. I must have them. And that way, if I lose another one, then i'll be left with a pair.

I'm on a hiatus from men, more commonly known as a "guy-atus." Not just a hiatus from dating men, but from all men. I wore the same clothes I wore to work today, as though to prove that I do not want to look nice when I go out. (last week that failed, when I dressed in unflattering pants, a plain t-shirt, and crappy shoes, because when I walked into the bar, my friend said, "wow. you look nice tonight.") I even wore an undshirt under a typical booby shirt! No cleavage - the 'girls' are staying in tonight. Tonight and many other nights for a long while. I'm not bitter. For instance, I missed 'Joan of Arcadia' this evening. I had a wonderful dinner, so perhaps missing Joan of Arcadia was ok. But the club afterwards was only good for a little while. I'm still deaf. A friend of mine held up her drink straw (those little teeny black ones) and said to another friend, "You only get dates in this club if you are this size." Then we both downed our drinks while our male friend [wrongly] disagreed.

So why the guy-atus? Let's start with the most recent altercation. You all but came out and told me that I'm the type of girl you'd sleep with but not the type of girl you'd ever date. The mistake was believing for half a second that maybe, just maybe, the men that have flirted with me or dated me in the past few months weren't just an accident, and that maybe I was something worth dating. You reminded me that it really was all just an accident. And that right there was a brutal kick in the ass, something that took me days of anger, shame, and lots of reflection to move past. I moved past it when I realized that I don't have any regrets about any decisions I've made in my life. I love being an aspiring attorney, I love being crazy enough to say that working in a youth prison was the best thing I've ever done, I love where I've been, who I've met, who I've loved, who I've kissed without loving, and what I've done. Every minute of it, I love, even the bad minutes. Stop making me feel like there's something wrong with that.

And the one before that? Couldn't stand his company for more than 5 seconds. And the one before that? homeless. so then. Here we are. I attract homeless men. Oh, and the guy at the bar this evening that was wearing bad glasses and a white sweater with tapered-leg jeans. I should've stuck around to talk to him though, because at least he was good conversation. It says something about me, that the only men who ever talk to me are homeless or really nerdy. And yet I walk away after only a cursory conversation because I figure, nah. Not someone I'd be interested in. But is that true? Don't I get pissed when men think that about me? And how do I know that they aren't funny, and kind, and smart, and have a great body (under really bad fashion?)? I hate me. I left the club (early) to go on to lose my darling dangly earring (I suspect it's on the subway, my nemesis), and started text messaging friends from law school like I'm a 13 yr old girl. I can't wait to go back!

I did have a good time tonight. I'm glad I went. But I do believe that my 20s are whizzing by far too quickly to be this uneventful.