at a loss

Spent another $700 on my car yesterday. Visited family I haven't seen in years. Roomie from this summer was not rejected from our summer agency, I'm happy for her.

Was notified that bestest friend and roommate from law school's little brother died. Other roommate called me earlier to let me know.

I'm just not sure how to feel right now. I'm in shock that I'm going to watch another dear friend bury another younger sibling. I couldn't call her after I found out - I was too shocked. It took me five hours, 3 miles on the treadmill, and finally, a voicemail from her asking me to call her... to actually call her. When I talked to her, I lost it. I started crying, hard. Which is really helpful, clearly, because then it got her crying. But I'm glad I got to talk to her, and I hate that I'm not near her. She's like a sister to me, and I know her family. I know her brother. I was in shock at first, then I got jittery, then I started getting really upset and almost asphyxiated on the treadmill while trying not to sob out loud, and now I'm just exhausted. I'm not there to help. There's nothing I can do to help. I'm driving the 8-9 hours roundtrip to attend the service this week. Don't know what day, or if my internship will mind me taking a day or two, but don't care.

It got me thinking about the other instances of death in my life. I've rarely encountered it - it's generally been relatives with whom I'm not particularly close (which is most of them) or family members of close friends. My great uncle. A friend from college buried her young brother about 5 years ago. My cousin died at birth. A 14 yr old girl who was at the detention center this summer was released into the community, then found, fatally shot, in a car - two young men who know something about it aren't talking. Another young man who left the center right after I arrived was killed right after I left. I'm thinking back to the homicide case in which we're still awaiting a verdict, and recalling what it felt like to hear a 911 caller narrate the deceased's final moments, while his wife cried silently in the courtroom. All of these things are compounding, becoming one knot in my chest. My eyes are burning. I can feel myself shutting down. If there had been any sliver of hope for me to shake off this semester-long funk, it disappeared today.

My weekend has caused me to strongly reconsider whether I'm willing to go so far away anymore. I hate being this far away right now, I can't imagine being even further away from the people I care about. Things seem kinda crappy the way they are - until they aren't that way anymore, and you'd give anything to get it back to the former crappy way.