I'm panicked because I just had one of those terrible realizations that I might be one of those people that he's nice to, just because he's so nice. He's the one that is nice to the most incredibly annoying people I know, people that I tolerate on occasion and consider myself a saint for doing so. He's nice to them and will never say a bad word about them. I don't like to speak badly of other people, but when they're objectively annoying, it's not being mean. It's just the truth.
He emailed me, after not responding to several emails and text messages. It was a cordial email. He's willing to go to this other thing I want to go to. But holyfuckinglord, maybe he's just trying to be nice. He didn't seem excited about it in the email. I think it might be true. Can it possibly be true that this whole time I've just been the charitable acquaintance? No. It hasn't always been like this. Just since that lunch in October. Before that, I thought there was a shot. Now... now I'm just sad, and tired. Why am I wasting so much time and energy, when I keep swearing that I'll stop? I need to stop.
But I do need to email him back tomorrow...
but how am I supposed to tell if I'm That Girl? I told him last time, if he can't make it, I can find someone else. He seemed hurt when I insinuated that last time, but when I said it he finally committed. That wasn't my intention - I just wanted to go to the comedy show, and wanted to make sure I could find someone to go, and if not him, then I needed to know enough in advance to find someone else. What do I say this time? "Hey, I realized that you're super nice to XYZ even though you don't seem genuinely stoked to hang out with XYZ, so I just want to put out there - don't come if I'm XYZ. I can find someone else." That's what I want to say. I also want to say, "Hey. I like you a lot. And if you aren't thinking about me in a way that makes you determined to kiss me softly on the lips at the end of the evening the next time we see each other, then don't come. I can find someone else."
That's probably not true either though.