We were frightened of being left alone for the rest of our lives. Only people of a certain disposition are frightened of being alone for the rest of their lives at the age of 26, and we were of that disposition. - High Fidelity
I promised another part to this entry, on Friends. I wrote an entry, but I'm not going to post it. It's a little too personal, and I really try to keep this blog generic. Besides, I'm trying to remain anonymous, and it's become ridiculous trying to blog about these things while cloaking my whereabouts.
Generally speaking, though, as I'm trying to make a decision about where I go next, I've been considering where my communities are. I want to find a community in which I can continue to grow as a person. I'm not ready to stop figuring things out. I'm not ready to stop stumbling over challenges or insecurities. I'm not ready to stop reaching out and slowly examining the edges of what's comfortable to me. On the other hand, I'm ready to stop making big mistakes. I'm ready to stop doing things for the purposes of status, or because I think such status is expected of me. I'm ready to stop doing things because everyone else is. I'm ready to accept that a lot of the things I need to lead a happy life are things I already have.
In my home community, I have a lot of friends from high school with whom I'm still close, and I still love dearly. But it's no longer my community. I'm not ready to join it. They're married, they own houses, they have jobs, they have kids. The other night, I saw two of my closest girlfriends from high school. As we walked through a store, one mentioned that she and her husband have talked about having kids, and that maybe in the next year, they were going to start trying. She had some concerns about how that will impact the type of life that she and her husband want to lead, and that concern remains unresolved. She said exasperated, "But I mean, I want to have kids before I'm 30!"
I love coming home and visiting, and catching up, and I love love love love the kiddos. The two kiddos who have sprung forth from the loins of my pal since 7th grade are the cutest darn kids ever, and I had several pictures of them that I had posted during my bar studying. BarBri recommends putting a picture of someone who is really super smart and failed the bar, or a picture of someone who is really dumb that passed. I think that cutting pictures out of the facebook of people I don't know but only hear about in law school lore is fucking crazy. But putting pictures of the two most wonderful tykes in the whole world on my desk reminded me that there are so many wonderful, amazing, heart-filling things out there in the world, and none of them have anything to do with whether or not I know what a Totten trust is. It reminded me that there was just one other thing in all of my life that I wanted to do besides be a public defender. I want to raise a family.
But I'm not there yet, and I don't know when I will be. Kids by the age of 30 is definitely not happening for me, although I thought it would. Now I'm just hoping for marriage by 34, kids by 37. Right now those are my set limits. But when I hit 34 and I'm still not married, I'm sure they will go up again.
So I have to go where I think I will meet people I like. I want to go somewhere I think I could stay for a while. Unfortunately, the remaining two cities of the three cities I'm considering each embody one of these. There's one city that I think will be a place I'd stay. Stay, and not leave. What a novel idea. There's another city where my law school friends will be, and those are the people in my life who right now are the people most suited to being my community. Most of my friends are single, a few are cohabitating with their significant others, and all of them are starting their career right now. I think they're the greatest group of people ever assembled in one place, and why the hell would I leave that now? And while I don't see myself living there forever, it would be silly to think that being in a place where I would not be happy or feel comfortable would lead me on the path to a pleasant future, just because it looks like what I want my future to look like.
And of course, that deep rooted, skittish fear that I will never get married rears its ugly head, and fuck. Is there any wonder? I'm a raging freak and clearly am in need of a Prozac drip.