Thursday, August 18, 2005

more about what's next

We were frightened of being left alone for the rest of our lives. Only people of a certain disposition are frightened of being alone for the rest of their lives at the age of 26, and we were of that disposition. - High Fidelity

I promised another part to this entry, on Friends. I wrote an entry, but I'm not going to post it. It's a little too personal, and I really try to keep this blog generic. Besides, I'm trying to remain anonymous, and it's become ridiculous trying to blog about these things while cloaking my whereabouts.

Generally speaking, though, as I'm trying to make a decision about where I go next, I've been considering where my communities are. I want to find a community in which I can continue to grow as a person. I'm not ready to stop figuring things out. I'm not ready to stop stumbling over challenges or insecurities. I'm not ready to stop reaching out and slowly examining the edges of what's comfortable to me. On the other hand, I'm ready to stop making big mistakes. I'm ready to stop doing things for the purposes of status, or because I think such status is expected of me. I'm ready to stop doing things because everyone else is. I'm ready to accept that a lot of the things I need to lead a happy life are things I already have.

In my home community, I have a lot of friends from high school with whom I'm still close, and I still love dearly. But it's no longer my community. I'm not ready to join it. They're married, they own houses, they have jobs, they have kids. The other night, I saw two of my closest girlfriends from high school. As we walked through a store, one mentioned that she and her husband have talked about having kids, and that maybe in the next year, they were going to start trying. She had some concerns about how that will impact the type of life that she and her husband want to lead, and that concern remains unresolved. She said exasperated, "But I mean, I want to have kids before I'm 30!"

Oooof.

I love coming home and visiting, and catching up, and I love love love love the kiddos. The two kiddos who have sprung forth from the loins of my pal since 7th grade are the cutest darn kids ever, and I had several pictures of them that I had posted during my bar studying. BarBri recommends putting a picture of someone who is really super smart and failed the bar, or a picture of someone who is really dumb that passed. I think that cutting pictures out of the facebook of people I don't know but only hear about in law school lore is fucking crazy. But putting pictures of the two most wonderful tykes in the whole world on my desk reminded me that there are so many wonderful, amazing, heart-filling things out there in the world, and none of them have anything to do with whether or not I know what a Totten trust is. It reminded me that there was just one other thing in all of my life that I wanted to do besides be a public defender. I want to raise a family.

But I'm not there yet, and I don't know when I will be. Kids by the age of 30 is definitely not happening for me, although I thought it would. Now I'm just hoping for marriage by 34, kids by 37. Right now those are my set limits. But when I hit 34 and I'm still not married, I'm sure they will go up again.

So I have to go where I think I will meet people I like. I want to go somewhere I think I could stay for a while. Unfortunately, the remaining two cities of the three cities I'm considering each embody one of these. There's one city that I think will be a place I'd stay. Stay, and not leave. What a novel idea. There's another city where my law school friends will be, and those are the people in my life who right now are the people most suited to being my community. Most of my friends are single, a few are cohabitating with their significant others, and all of them are starting their career right now. I think they're the greatest group of people ever assembled in one place, and why the hell would I leave that now? And while I don't see myself living there forever, it would be silly to think that being in a place where I would not be happy or feel comfortable would lead me on the path to a pleasant future, just because it looks like what I want my future to look like.

And of course, that deep rooted, skittish fear that I will never get married rears its ugly head, and fuck. Is there any wonder? I'm a raging freak and clearly am in need of a Prozac drip.

3 comments:

Superfluous Sentiments said...

Girl! And I'm the one to hook you up with that prozac drip! Would you prefer a continuous drip or would you prefer bolus injections as needed? No seriously, at least we're in the same world. I wanted kids by 30, too, but you know what? ... sometimes it just doesn't happen that way. Now I'm 32 and looking to get married the SECOND time. A divorcee on marriage two... not what I planned. Carpe diem, baby, seize the day... seize today.

Sanchovilla said...

Wow...it's good to know I'm not the only person in the world that worries about things like this.

When I was in high school I imagined that I'd be married with kids, and own a fancy house by the time I turned 23 years-old (Don't ask me why 23...just seemed like a good number at the time).

The reality? I turned 30 last year, I don't own any property, and I'm not anywhere NEAR getting married or having kids....and surprisingly enough, I'm still alive (regardless of all the retarded things I've done)and not totally unhappy with where I am now.

Go where you'll have a good support system (sounds like your friends fit the bill) and a place you wouldn't absolutely hate living in...even if you hate living there, maybe your friends will make it easier to handle. The great thing is nothing is set in stone!

When it comes to kids and marriage be careful about setting age limits. It can happen when you least expect it...well the kids can be expected but I'm talking about meeting someone that turns into more than a friend and from more than a friend into a person you can imagine being with...for a very long time.

I don't know, I realize I'm not really helping you at all here...maybe I'm just trying to convince myself that it all works out in the end.

I just wanted you to know that people out here are listening and understand your frustration.

Zuska said...

Aw!! don't want to be married! don't want to have kids. you can have so much in life without it. I think.

i am 32. i was married. not anymore. i have kids. 2 daughters. i love them dearly, that is true, but if it doesn't work for you ... if things don't conspire to make it PERFECT ... don't fret! It's hard to have kids. it's hard to make things work. and if you force it, if you push it -- and can't keep walking that tightrope, it's even harder.

I know there's a drive. I know there's a PUSH to have kids ... who else will be there when you're old? who else can you give all your stuff to in a Will? Who else can you love unconditionally?

But I think you can! I think you should not stress. I think you should make your life rich -- with friends -- with family. Cousins, neices, nephews. And then ... kind of chill on the kids/marriage front.

AND!!! I have recently sat in on many single parent adoptions while working for a Family Court Judge. Every single parent who adopted a child was a female lawyer.