Monday, April 18, 2005

Dear Self: What are you so afraid of?

Despite the fact that trial ad ended some time ago with the completion of my full-day trial, I am having dreams/nightmares about the trial every night. Last night, I recited most of my actual closing argument IN MY DREAM. I'm experiencing significant anxiety over my trial skills, more now than I ever did BEFORE the trial. As a matter of fact, my anxiety has increased enough that I'm wondering whether I chose the correct profession, which in 3 years of law school I've never questioned. Kinda messed up, no?

Now, no matter where I am or what I'm doing, I have this overwhelming feeling to bolt. Somewhere, anywhere. How am I dealing with stress? Well, I originally had cancelled plans to attend a baseball game this Thursday, figuring I should be here with my dear friends for the last weekend of my law school experience. I am currently re-examining this plan. I figure that I can leave here Thursday, make the road trip by myself if it comes to that, buy a ticket when I arrive, watch the game by myself if I have to, stay with a friend that night, and drive back on Friday or Saturday. I truly can't think of anything else that will settle my nerves.

Maybe I just won't come back.

The other thing I've now decided to do is to plan myself a post-graduation, pre-bar-review whitewater rafting trip in West Virginia. Never in my life have I: 1. been whitewater rafting or 2. set foot in, come near, or even considered setting foot in West Virginia. But I heard they have good rafting. So there it is.

Maybe doing all these things on my own will be helpful and introspective. Or maybe it'll just be lonely. Chances are, I'll just sit on my ass, eat Thai food, and booze it up until I forget why it is I feel like clawing at my own skin and/or sprinting far, far away.

1 comment:

Deviant Law Student said...

West Virginia is pretty, but you are probably better "on your ass," drunk, with a plate of Thai food. The booze should help relieve the anxiety!