Thursday, July 01, 2004

Can't shake it off.

I'm still carrying yesterday around on my shoulders. It's like having a rain cloud that only rains on me and follows me around.

For years, I've had dreams that later come true - weeks or months down the road. It's bizarre but because I've always had them, I've never thought much about it. Yesterday, one of the residents here was leaving. And just like a scene in my dream, I turned my chair around to see him walking down the hall towards the office, hands and feet shackled, with a big smile on his face because he was leaving. Just like in the dream I had when I first started here.

Last night, i had a dream about one of the residents that I don't know really well. He's been absolutely despondent and refusing to participate in life at all, as he's
about to be transferred from the juvenile system to the adult system. He just lies in bed, not moving, refusing to speak to anyone, and he's done this for weeks. Well last night, i had a dream that I ran into him in a hallway, and he was with a social worker or a lawyer, and he was smiling, bright and happy. He said that he was going to be heading to [insert specific city in specific state] for a day to just hang out, that they
were going to give him a day off before his transfer. He was happy, and relieved, and felt ready to handle the rest of his burdens. He said he was going to be ok. I came in to work this morning and was notified that he was transferred to the adult system last night and made a suicide attempt.

I hope that my dream comes true for him.

I think that I carry myself in a very friendly, warm, positive, vibrant manner. I try to demonstrate that I'm passionate, empathetic, and capable. Last night I wasn't even trying to throw down game with this guy that I met at ESPN Zone - I was just being 100% me, as though I were speaking to anyone that I knew from law school or work. I'm feeling like I'm down for the count right now. TKO. The news about the capital trial,
my personal rejection, work being less than positive - I'm losing my fight, my fire. I'm tired. I don't want to struggle anymore. I'm taking this all very personally right now. I must not be a good worker or a good advocate. I must not really be as fun, exciting, or smart as I think I am. I must not have gotten along with ESPN-Zone boy as much as I thought. (Although, he was potentially married - there were some suspicious hints towards that - but I'll discuss those later). Anyway, I'm tired and I just need to get away for a while. Escape this little rainy cloud under which I seem to be firmly entrenched.

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