Tuesday, September 20, 2005

adrift

I'm lonely.

I definitely needed an extended period of time after the bar exam to relax. I needed time to come down off the bar exam, pack and move, get job things straightened out, and work on my tan.

All of those things were accomplished by, oh, August 28.

Now I'm just going crazy. I've developed a diligent television-watching routine. The amount of TV I watch in a day is truly shocking. I've been catching up on movies and shows that I missed, on DVD. I can't even bring myself to read anymore, because I do it every single day.

I miss law school. There, I said it. I miss walking the halls and being swept up in 45 minute social detours. I miss sitting down for a quick meal and inadvertently becoming engrossed in a conversation that manages to both inflame my passions and leaving me questioning my own principles. I miss being in my house, and my bed, surrounded by my friends. I miss my grocery store, my gym, my walk to school, my bars, the old man who seemed to hate his dog but walked him every single morning at the same time past my house. I miss throwing a ball around in the grass outside the law school. I miss knowing that everyone I needed to see was either in the building or a short walk away. I miss sending one-line emails; emails never needed to be more than one line because we saw each other all the time.

It's funny, really, that the less you see someone, the less you have to say.

Soon, I'm going to crash at a friend's house instead of Mom's. The time has come for me to get out of here and start getting focused on the next phase. The work-related things that are up in the air mean that other things are too, things like housing and income and whether I'll be able to pay my bills next month. Because all of those things are up in the air, I haven't even started thinking about the other Big Things that come along with this next phase. I think most people in my life assume that I'm naturally social and outgoing. That's not necessarily the case. I have to gear up for investing time and energy into developing really rewarding relationships with my coworkers. I have to invest the time and mental energy into getting accustomed to a new community. I have to get ready for having a life that doesn't include coffee breaks whenever I feel like it, or skipping an afternoon because the weather's nice.

It's going to be scary and exciting, and it's time to get started, even though it means that I have to quit TV cold turkey.

1 comment:

Fresh? said...

never quit TV! are you insane?