THIS SO FUCKING SUCKS.
I would rather be in combat. As I see it, at least my body is fallible, and mortal. I know when I jump into the middle of a circle of snipers, throw my arms out, and yell, "I'm heeeeeere!" the risks are known and concrete, and what I'm capable of contributing is definite and finite.
Cf., the bar exam. I have knowledge. I have some knowledge. I have a decent amount of knowledge. I need more of it. I'm not sure how much more of it. The knowledge that I do have doesn't always make sense - what I have in my head isn't always pieced together correctly. Or, if it is pieced together correctly, it doesn't quite fit with the multiple choice answers I have available in front of me. (DIE, TORTS, DIE!) I'm not sure what I'm going to be capable of giving, but it's not finite - there's always more information or more analysis that could be crammed into my head, if I could just get it in there. I feel no definite boundaries, no sense of, "Ok, here I am, here is where I am safe, and over there is where I am not." I don't know if I currently know enough, I don't know if I will ever know enough, but I sure as hell know that I'd rather be dodging physical bullets, because at least those are tangible. And the worst that happens? You die. Worst that happens if you fail the bar? You live for 2-3 agonizing months wondering if you failed the bar, then you find out that you DID fail the bar, and you have to live in constant, tortured agony of 1. having failed the bar, 2. having to tell people you failed the bar, 3. paying off your law school debt while not being able to work as an attorney, and most of all 4. HAVING TO DO IT ALL AGAIN.
I need a hug. Preferably a big, naked hug. Involving tequila. And maybe a cowboy hat.