Friday, July 22, 2005

why i'm a bad person

i did about 3 hours of work today, and finally gave up and came home to
take the afternoon off. I just beat the rain, had some nachos, and sat
down to read this month's Maxim (which smells terrible) and watch an
afternoon of "That 70s House" on MTV. My roommates have been getting
wonderful gifts from their firm, or their parents, like cakes and
postcards and cookies, and I've gotten nothing at all which normally
wouldn't bother me except I'm incredibly fragile at this very second, and
the job thing has started to make me physically ill, and I can't read
another barbri book for another goddamn moment, and I actually don't have
transportation to the bar even, and the bar exam is just DAYS away... but
I just needed to relax, and then right after I got home, the sky opened
up, and for a moment everything stopped, and it just rained and rained and
rained, and then the moment passed, and the roofers next door started
banging 3 feet outside the window, and one of their cell phone's keeps
going off, loudly, over and over again over the banging, "Dee deet DEET
DEET DEET, Dee deet DEET DEET DEET," and I just can't take another moment
of knowing that the bar exam still hasn't happened yet, and that I'm not
ready for it to happen but at the same time I am SO READY and what the
fuck with this whole job thing? and please STOP THAT FUCKING BANGING IN
MY GODDAMN LIVING ROOM AND TURN OFF YOUR FUCKING CELL PHONE and if I weren't rendered 100% completely and totally numb by the stress, I think I'd be sobbing in my bed right now.

and I know everyone in Internet Land thinks I'm a total fucking psycho,
which is pretty true, except to everyone else in the world, it looks like
I totally have my shit together.

update: and right after this post, I did go to my bed, and cried so hard I couldn't breathe, and then just laid there for about another hour with my chest still feeling really clenched, and I would probably still be there if my roommate hadn't come home and come up to my room to say hi, and I'm so glad she did, and I'm back to feeling like I'm the luckiest person in the world to be surrounded by so many good people. Thanks for your kind words.


Fan from "Internet Land" said...

That doesn't make you a bad makes you human! The amazing thing will be in a couple days after the bar exam when you can finally look back and breathe. You're almost there and all this hard work will pay off!

Audacity said...

Ah.. passing moments of desperation, grief and anger.

Yeah, I'm with you.

womanofthelaw said...

You know, it's not the bar that's stressing me out. The bar sucks, to be sure. It's what happens, or won't happen, after the bar exam that's really freaking me out. It's the idea of having to live with my mother coming home every day and saying, "Well, did you get a job yet?" that brings me to tears.

Of course, there is still a very real concern about my level of knowledge regarding the bar. That seems to be eclipsed by my concern that regardless of whether I'm licensed, I'll never be employed.

Lisa said...

I'm stressed and psycho right along with you, in pretty much the same ways and for the same reasons. Except in my case, instead of roofers, it's loud, screaming ass kids in the pool right below my window. I just keep thinking how good it's gonna feel a week from today when it's all over and I refuse to even think about what my results might be. The job search thing is sure to keep me stressed, though.