"You are a hot woman. You look great in red. Stop bye [sic] sometime." [is the [sic] supposed to come before or after the misspelling?]
So I found that sign on the front of my house at 6:15 this morning on my way to the gym. I was bewildered.
When I tried to remove it when I came back, I realized that someone had GLUED it to the wood underneath the mailbox. Not in the mailbox, not clipped to the mailbox like we do with our mail, not left discreetly in an envelope on the porch - no. GLUED to the front of our house like a billboard. Second snarky comment: is the helpfulness of the arrow pointing next door. Oh, I see. You live that way. Real fucking helpful buddy. Thanks for the arrow. Third snarky comment - um, clearly I'm hot and look good in red. But there are THREE hot girls who look good in red that live in this house. So which one of us is supposed to follow the arrow 'that way' to find you, Prince Charming of Elmer's Glue?
So I found that sign on the front of my house at 6:15 this morning on my way to the gym. I was bewildered.
When I tried to remove it when I came back, I realized that someone had GLUED it to the wood underneath the mailbox. Not in the mailbox, not clipped to the mailbox like we do with our mail, not left discreetly in an envelope on the porch - no. GLUED to the front of our house like a billboard. Second snarky comment: is the helpfulness of the arrow pointing next door. Oh, I see. You live that way. Real fucking helpful buddy. Thanks for the arrow. Third snarky comment - um, clearly I'm hot and look good in red. But there are THREE hot girls who look good in red that live in this house. So which one of us is supposed to follow the arrow 'that way' to find you, Prince Charming of Elmer's Glue?
None of us were wearing red yesterday. Two of us were wearing pink. One of us ran into one of the neighbors in town twice yesterday. One of us has run into another neighbor a few times in the morning. Another one of us thinks it's another, really sketchy neighbor, because who else glues a sign like that to the front of your house?
I suppose the nice thing about a letter like this is that each of us can be secretly convinced that it's for us. Dear Secret Admirer: You totally made my day. So thanks. But please don't be a creepy stalker or the person who always steals our recycling from our porch. I will shoot you point-blank if I see you looking in my windows.
As an aside, I would like to mention that I heretofore believed that 'secure transactions' were what happened when you order something online, and that little lock icon thing appears to let you know it's safe to put in your credit card info. I'm in the midst of figuring out exactly how wrong I was.
4 comments:
I heretofore believed that 'secure transactions' were what happened when you order something online, and that little lock icon thing appears to let you know it's safe to put in your credit card info.
Ha! So did I.
Just a note to say that I love the comments you leave at Attorneys Suck.
Just for the record:
1. I have only taken your aluminum cans not ALL of your recycling materials.
2. I don't like the term "Stalker" It's just to "Icky" sounding. I prefer "Long Distance Devotee."
3. It doesn't count as "Looking in your windows" if I'm in a van down the street with binoculars.
Have a great day!
That is wild. Kind of creepy like when my boss (who is creepy) says, "I like you in red." What the f___?
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