it's not you, it's me.

Tom asks, "When's the last time you were someone's girlfriend?"

 

Seven or eight years ago.  No joke.  Not since college.  Don't get me wrong - if I had my choice, I'd have a boyfriend.  But I haven't met anyone who I wanted to be my boyfriend, and even if I had, I doubt he'd want me to be his girlfriend.  I've become so accustomed to being by myself that I'm not sure how to include someone else in my life now.  Give me 2 more years and I'll officially be a spinster.  Not because I'll be too old, but just because I'll be totally incapable of forming intimate relationships.

 

In the beginning, Frontrunner mentioned that he was just getting out of a long relationship and wasn't looking to jump into another.  He said he tends to be in long relationships (5+ years).  I told him I have a 3 date maximum.  It's true.  So for the time that we've been dating, Frontrunner has teased me about this 3 date rule and has been determined to break it.  We don't count the times we've spent hanging out with groups (which is many) and we don't count the times that we sat on the couch and watched TV.  So by that count, we've been on 2.5 or 3 dates.  (Once we had dinner and drinks, then met up with a group.  Does that count as 1/2 or 1?)  And sure enough, I've hit the wall. 

 

I feared we'd run out of things to talk about, and I feared that's what would lead to the eventual demise, and I think that point has arrived.  I like him.  I think he's sweet.  I'm attracted to him.  But I don't feel interested. 

 

I'm not ready to walk away from this yet, because he's a pretty great guy, and I'm an idiot. 

Supreme Court Conversations

Dahlia Lithwick and Walter Dellinger have a fascinating "breakfast table" conversation happening over at Slate.  They have it every year, and this year does not disappoint.

neurosis

Sancho asks, How are things going with Frontrunner?  The one word answer is, Terrific.

 

But I'm not very good at being in relationships.  This is a bit of an Insta-Relationship, which is not what I wanted.  From the start he's made it clear that he's not dating anyone else, that he doesn't want to date anyone else, that he wants to spend a lot of time with me, that he totally and utterly adores me.  The good thing about that is that I never have the opportunity to feel insecure.  The bad thing about this is that I've fallen into the trap of letting this happen - talking to him every day, seeing him as often as we can manage.  While I'm with him, I enjoy it.  I like being around him and we have fun and we have good chemistry.  Then I can't stand it anymore.  I feel smothered, I feel like I need space, I feel like it's too much too fast.  I'm not ready to be anyone's girlfriend.  I'm not ready to move my life around for someone else yet.  When you make too many accomodations, that means you incur a greater loss at the inevitable end.  I like him a lot.  I'm not ready to say that I'm in for the long haul.  We don't know each other well enough yet.  I'm afraid to invest too much because it hurts to unravel it all at the end. 

 

Despite my [reasonable] concerns, I'm letting myself get swept up.  I haven't been able to set the boundaries that I probably should have and so, when he doesn't call I call him.  When he says, We can hang out whenever you're free, I take full advantage of every free moment I have to see him.  I hate that I'm so weak.

exhausted

Work is very very hard today.  And it's only lunchtime.

 

Someone else please take over?  I need to go home and curl up under the covers for a while.  I am long overdue for a mental health day.

frontrunner

I'm down to one, and I think it's for the best.  I don't think the remaining one is destined to last very long either, but I appreciate having the opportunity to figure that out without fear of getting busted.  I don't have regrets about letting the other off the hook, although of course I feel bad about it because he is a really good guy.

 

One of the problems with the remaining one is that he seems to be a serial monogamist.  Generally that's a great characteristic - but I fear that this has become an Insta-Relationship, which is not what I want.  I don't want to be in the habit of seeing someone or talking to them constantly, incorporating them into my life, before really knowing if this is a good fit or not.  He does not seem to have the same reservations.  I like his audacity: he's clear that he's really interested in me, he is very affectionate, he really wants to introduce me to the people who are important to him.  In my opinion, it's too much too fast - at the same time I think, well hell, what's the harm?  He is aware of my three date maximum.  When he first referred to my 'three date rule' I thought he was, ahem, referring to something else.  What he was referring to was the fact that I have not been on more than 3 dates with someone in the past x years.  (He brought it up, this isn't something I'd volunteer or even care to discuss). 

 

We'll see where this goes.  He's a nice guy, very fun, and kind-hearted.  I don't think we'll ever make it out of the small-talk and makeout stage, but it seems like it will be fun for whatever it ends up being.

this sucks

I like spending time with him but then feel guilty about the other.  And so it goes, back and forth. 

fallacy of numbers

The LA Times has an interesting short piece on DNA evidence and the stats used to support / oppose DNA exonerations.  (From How Appealing). 

This is where you have to tell me what I already kind of know.

I am interested in two guys, both of whom I believe are interested in me.  I have kissed both of them, on different occasions.  They are acquaintances who see each other regularly, but I don't believe they are friends independently.  The friend that they have in common is the friend that introduced me to both of them.  To put it differently, they see each other at the same functions that I would see them.  Given my dating history, I won't have more than two dates with either of them before something goes horribly awry.  So you have to tell me, Can I try dating both of them?  Just to see how it goes?  Because unless you stop me, I'll probably try to, with inevitably disastrous results.

 

Apropos of nothing, I'm watching one of my favorite artists, Stevie Ray Vaughan, on PBS and boy, howdy - watching him perform makes me feel warm and lightheaded.  Can you believe it's been 20 years?  I can't believe it's been that long... SRV, your music is still alive!

something in the water?

Like, truth serum?  Over the past 3 months I have had an extraordinarily high percentage of clients go to the DA's office, the police precinct, and the court - without telling me - trying to demand that their side of the story be heard, making statements about their case and demanding that the other parties involved be arrested, making statements about their case and demanding that their case get dismissed, making statements about their case and asking for legal advice from the police and from court officers.  I have never seen anything like it.  I need to add a line to my business card, I think, saying "Do not speak to anyone other than me regarding this incident or this case.  No, really.  I mean it."

 

It's happened in the past, but has been rare.  The past few months, I'm discovering that every other client is writing out a statement, both incriminating and exculpatory, AFTER they've been assigned an attorney!  It's driven me to drink.  Right now. 

 

Reminds me of one of my favorite slogans:  "You have the right to remain silent.  USE IT."

No Hilton for Paris.

Paris is back in jail, for a full 45 days.

 

You've never seen a more satisfied bunch of public defenders as we were when this news broke.  We were outraged when Paris left early, knowing full well that any medical condition of our clients (cancer, kidney / liver failure, acute psychosis, TB, HIV, broken ribs / jaws / arms / legs) would never get them sympathy or early release.  I don't wish jail upon anyone, but any one of my clients would have gotten a 45 day sentence for violating every term of their release repeatedly - and race or class should not influence that.