tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-71059172024-03-14T07:59:24.584-05:00Woman of the LawI'm a fast-talkin' hell-raisin' son of a bitch, and I'm a sinner and I know how to fightUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger691125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105917.post-70319515890465742092010-10-06T08:27:00.001-05:002010-10-06T08:27:27.460-05:00Big day at the Supreme Court today<div>two hot button cases - can defendants sue when prosecutors intentionally hide evidence for the purpose of securing a conviction against an innocent man? and what limits does the First Amendment place on these horrid people from Kansas who protest at military funerals?</div> <div> </div> <div>Wish I were still in law school and could watch some liveblogging. But I'll be in court doing a crossword waiting for my case and watching the wheels of justice turn ever so slowly.</div> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105917.post-4975609214293313022010-09-26T19:44:00.002-05:002010-09-26T19:46:19.091-05:00can't do a love song like the way it's meant to beI took a long break, but I think I'm interested in dating again. Only, I'm not really interested in dating itself. I have a renewed interest in just going about my life merrily and bam! meeting the love of my life in some wonderful happenstance. Since that's happened all of <i>never</i> times in my life I recognize how completely unrealistic such an idea is. <br /><br />I recently met an amazing couple who have been married for several years. I enjoyed speaking to both of them very much. I asked how they met, and they told me they met via internet dating, and while it wasn't love at first sight, it was like at first sight. I hate internet dating. I did it years ago and it was a complete failure. I don't think there's any way to figure out via internet whether this person is someone you would like in real life. I met a guy who liked baseball and the same TV shows as me and being in the same room with him was painful. I met another guy who was in med school and was really nice and yet there was nothing about him that made me want to ask a follow-up question. <br /><br />After speaking with this wonderful couple I met, I went onto the internet service they used and put up a profile. A picture, some basic facts. I got one note from a potential suitor and when I read it, my mind immediately fast-forwarded to the boring and disappointing personal interaction we were destined to have. It started just like all the others. I know this place. I've been here before. I didn't respond and instead immediately cancelled my account without responding. I just can't do it again. I have dating PTDD. post-traumatic dating disappointment.<br /><br />A friend encouraged me to 'just get out there' and meet people. I do tend to be a homebody, so going out more than once a week is remarkable for me. But as my friend said, "This is a numbers game" and he's right. I've tried that approach before though, just dating anyone who asked or who was willing, and that's how I ended up going on a string of completely unsuccessful and unrewarding dates arranged via internet. The problem as I see it, is that there is no built-in social network to meet new interesting people at my age. Maybe years ago, this social network was "The Bar" but come on now, that's for young'uns. <i>see also</i>, I'm kind of a homebody, <i>id</i>. I've met many friends of my own friends, and they are all coupled up already. I long for the days of dating excitement, when going to the movies in groups was the height of the dating & social scene. In youth there are endless opportunities. The territory is uncharted - the trails of hand-holding and kissing and lengthy making out with all your clothes on were trails yet to blazed. I'm in my early 30s - those trails done been blazed already. Now it's like walking a worn path through the grass - go out, make small talk, perhaps disinterestedly permit kissing to occur, then go home and wish I had spent the night in my pjs watching Inspector Gadget episodes on Netflix Instant Play [this is truth - check it out!] OR - go out, get a little tipsy, make out with either 1. random guy at the bar or 2. guy you are friends with and are only making out with because y'all are drunk and in the same place and no one else is available. In either situation it turns into dodging the inevitable persistent guy attempts to get you to home, either his or yours, and trying to duck all that pawing and unwanted approach towards ahem, the final frontier, and then you just wish you had stayed home in your pjs watching Fraggle Rock on Netflix [also true]. Sigh.<br /><br />It's all so <i>tiring</i>.<br /><br />I long for that interest in someone - an interest that garnered excitement at seeing them or talking to them again. I think the excitement departed somewhere back there along with the hope. I rarely meet or start speaking to a guy and think, 'Now this is someone I want to talk to again' - or even better, 'I would really like him to just kiss me once, right now, and then go back to talking about all these wonderful things we have to talk about.' I rarely meet guys, period, without concurrently meeting their female companions. I wonder where all that excitement went. Is it that our social patterns have developed in a way that have left us devoid of anything interesting to talk about? Are we too worn down by work or general life responsibilities to have that inner shining light that attracts people to us? I don't feel that inner light anymore. I do think that's really what the whole "you can't love someone else until you love yourself" thing is getting at - if you are happy and interesting, then that will attract happy and interesting people. But um, we're all pretty boring, aren't we? This is the first thing I'm trying to work on - remember what I loved about life before the job became my life. To crib from Fever Pitch, I may love the job but has the job ever loved me back? I need something other than just being a public defender to make me a whole and happy person. I'm still working on figuring out what that might be. Most of my free time is spent doing solitary activities - watching shows on Netflix, cooking, reluctantly getting to the gym occasionally. I can't really think of a way that I would enjoy translating those things into social activities on a regular basis. But anyway, I think the key to future relationship happiness might be to stop being so lost. I've tried that for about a decade and it hasn't worked out but I'll keep working on it.<br /><br />I did once have the perfect date. Only it wasn't a date. I had a boyfriend and he was a womanizer. That evening is worth its own post, but I look back fondly on that event often and think, "<i>That's</i> how it's supposed to happen." I saw him once about a year after that, in a group setting, and I was hoping he'd come up to me and recall that night, or want to pick up where that left off. Not only did we not acknowledge each other, but I don't even think he remembered me, and I think he may have had a girlfriend there. So tragic. In the most appropriate words of Dire Straits, when you gonna realize it was just that the time was wrong? <br /><br />So I'm trying to find that hope inside to extend. For now, just hope that there will be a date that is fun and interesting. And maybe there's something even better than that out there, eventually.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105917.post-21809175888030685582010-08-19T22:47:00.001-05:002010-08-19T22:47:08.952-05:00somedayi'll talk to that guy who wheels around that upright bass in the soft case, listening to his iPod. I want to know where he's coming from and what he does, whether the bass is his living or his love, or both, and how.<br> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105917.post-21662356730898364062010-06-25T10:21:00.000-05:002010-06-25T10:22:01.329-05:00keeping a straight face<div>[nota bene: legal analysis is oversimplified for the purposes of this story]</div> <div> </div> <div>In the jurisdictions in which I practice, there are loitering statutes that are very stringently enforced. I think it's a broken-window type thing, where they don't want riff-raff hanging around in "high-crime areas", being up to no good, but it also gives the police a reason to search and arrest people who are literally doing nothing - suddenly doing nothing is not only reasonable suspicion, but also a crime. Often people have a valid explanation for their presence which results in inadvertent burden-shifting - defendant has to prove that in fact he was not committing a crime because he was [talking with a friend he ran into outside the store, waiting for a ride, etc]. Generally on these types of cases, we as defense attorneys try to elicit and verify as many of these facts as possible.</div> <div> </div> <div>As I was going over one of these cases recently with a client, I was reading to him the 3 different [quite amusing, but not to be divulged here] reasons he provided to the police when they stopped him. </div> <div> </div> <div>Client: Naw, that's not what I said.</div> <div>WOTL: Ok, so what were you doing at about that time on that date?</div> <div>Client: I was meeting a guy to haul trash for him. They were doing some construction in the building and he was going to give me a few bucks to clear out the basement.</div> <div>WOTL: This guy lives in the building?</div> <div>Client: Yeah.</div> <div>WOTL: Apartment number? Floor?</div> <div>Client: Uhhhhh, 5 East.</div> <div>WOTL: 5 East? You're sure?</div> <div>Client: yeah.</div> <div>WOTL: The police said you told them 4 North first, then 3 West.</div> <div>Client: No, no, no. It's 5 East. I'm positive.</div> <div>WOTL: Okay, what's the guy's name?</div> <div>Client: Um, Donovan. Donovan McNabb.</div> <div>WOTL: ................ [slowly] the guy you were doing work for is... Donovan... McNabb?</div> <div>Client: [exasperated by his attorney's sheer stupidity] I told you, he asked me to haul the trash out! That's why I was there!</div> <div> </div> <div>CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE</div> <div>Do you:</div> <div>1. Share this with on the record in an attempt to show the judge how clearly misguided and false the allegations are against your client, while trying not to giggle?</div> <div>2. Send out an investigator to immediately find this witness, assuming that there must be many, many Donovan McNabbs in the world and that the name is mere coincidence, and not a bold-faced lie?</div> <div>3. Gently suggest that perhaps community service would be the quickest way to put this case to rest?</div> <div> </div> <div>And of course, if you're a public defender, the answer is: all of the above. Yeah, I sent my investigator out, and yeah, couldn't find Donovan McNabb, and yeah, I fought on the record for my client with mostly-feigned righteous indignation while sharing that story and yeah, no one believed it for a second and yeah, my client resolved the case with community service. </div> <div> </div> <div>Judges can get really fired up when you argue these things on the record, and then they start cross-examining you as though YOU were the one who came up with that brilliant nugget. I love that part of my job is standing there defending this with a straight face. Yup. Donovan McNabb. That's my story. Stickin' to it.</div> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105917.post-36235341681456674642010-06-08T18:55:00.001-05:002010-06-08T18:55:40.989-05:00politickingI am going to start by saying: I voted third party in the last election, and will probably continue to do so as I do not feel particularly strongly affiliated with the current political parties. So I was disgruntled before it was cool to be disgruntled. I exude a pretty sincere form of surly, and my attitude towards politics is consistent with that.<br> <br>Now you know. And now I opine the following:<br><br>Obama is not a socialist. And unless I'm missing a huge piece of this legislation wherein the government announced it is taking my paycheck and instead paying me in labor credits, the health care bill is not an indication of socialism. At least, it's not any more socialist than TANF or Social Security or Medicare. I feel compelled to announce my opinion on this matter because I recently had a conversation with young, very smart, incredibly well-educated people who announced that Obama is a socialist, and gave the health care bill as an example. I thought this was an accusation lobbed mostly by sensationalist political media folks, because that's what they do. But when I discovered that people I regard as smart, good people were saying such things, well, it somehow validated this as an opinion that real people hold, and I felt compelled to respond, because I have an opinion too. <br> <br>Stating that someone is a socialist puts a label on a person that just makes everything categorically BAD, therefore making it impossible to argue any actual merit. I wonder how we came to accept such firmly entrenched notions that socialism and communism are bad. You cannot be a government employee if you are a Communist. CANNOT. PROHIBITED. I am neither a socialist nor a communist; I have pretty strong libertarian leanings - but I balk at the categorization of other people's political beliefs as being "bad" or "prohibited." So by labeling this bill, or the President's support for it, as a "socialist" act, all that gets us is a label that it is "bad," without ever getting to what about the bill makes it bad. Or socialist. If the health care bill nationalized health care, in the sense that all medical providers were now declared government employees, and all hospitals became federally owned, etc... well that sounds like socialism, at least as I understand socialism. <br> <br>But ok, there are different forms of socialism, and maybe what we don't like is the manner in which government has regulated health care now, and maybe that's socialist. I can almost accept that belief, except that government regulates a lot of industries. So what about this health care bill crosses the line from regulation, which Congress is doing every day in many areas of commerce, into socialism?<br> <br>I actually care very little about the answers to these questions. My point is, the fact that you disagree with the health care bill does not = socialism. It's just name-calling. Name-calling avoids intelligent discussions about potential valid disagreements. I like intelligent discussions about valid disagreements because I have learned the most from them, and also have found them to be persuasive. When I hear a person whom I respect opine in a way that sounds logical, that challenges me to opine in an equally logical manner, and it challenges me to think about why I disagree with such logic, and whether I should. So what I hope and expect from my smart and well-educated peers is just that you can tell me why you disagree with the health care bill, and not just throw around bad names for it. Especially since I think it's a silly (as in unintelligent) premise that "socialist" is an insult.<br> <br>up next: why BP is not "Obama's Katrina." [I started writing on this, but the Glee season finale is coming on soon. so maybe tomorrow I'll finish that thought...]<br> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105917.post-40862904891969938152010-04-28T18:52:00.001-05:002010-04-28T18:52:55.245-05:00no hollow promise that life would reward you<a href="http://notguiltynoway.blogspot.com/">Not Guilty</a> <a href="http://notguiltynoway.blogspot.com/2010/04/letter-to-youngish-lawyer.html">posted a letter</a> written to her from a colleague. It's a letter of tough love. Toughen up, it advises. Being a public defender isn't gracious, doesn't earn anyone's respect. To continue to do this job and be good at it, you can't want other people's respect and admiration.<br> <br>These things are true, and it's what I struggle with most as a public defender. You don't have to like me, or what I do. But I want respect, and acknowledgment. I'm struggling with one particular case right now where the entire courtroom is so far against my client that my voice is like a dog whistle. The court reporter is typing my words but no one hears them or pays them any mind. The entire case is riddled with reversible error, as every single one of my meritable claims has been just flagrantly dismissed without consideration. I am one ignored word away from being held in contempt or filing a flurry of, I don't even know. Writs of mandamus? I am a smart, personable attorney. I work hard to be good at what I do, and I will advocate vigorously for my clients, to the boundaries of the law. Is it so hard to acknowledge that I have a place in this courtroom? That I have a voice? That I submit and argue well-thought-out legal arguments? You must ignore me because I'm right and you don't want me to be. Otherwise, you're just being an ass.<br> <br> I feel that the practice in my jurisdiction is completely disgraceful. I am dismayed by how few judges I have any respect for. I am angered by how unprofessional and unethically uncivil the prosecutors in my jurisdiction are. I am not asking to win every case, I'm not asking that you tell me I'm pretty every day. All I ask is that you listen when I speak, that you respond thoughtfully while demonstrating a grasp of basic legal principles, and conduct yourself in a professional manner. I do the same for you.<br> <br>I love being a public defender but I hate what that is on an hour-by-hour basis. I am self-aware enough that I can admit that I need to feel respected by the people I work with. I need to feel smart (not smarter, just smart). I expected my clients wouldn't like me, and that judges would get angry, and that prosecutors would give me a hard time. But I never thought I'd be like this. It's all so yucky.<br> <br>I think I can finally admit that I am not cut out for this, at least as it is here in my jurisdiction. Maybe a different jurisdiction would be better for me. Or maybe it's just that I don't have that thick skin required to do this job, anywhere, and do it well. <br> <br> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105917.post-78214694077079965282010-02-17T19:36:00.001-05:002010-02-17T19:36:43.790-05:00new blog reinvigorates PD blogosphere!<a href="http://pdrevolution.blogspot.com/">Public Defender Revolution</a><br><br> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105917.post-16673144218076413592009-11-24T08:43:00.001-05:002009-11-24T08:43:38.456-05:00the future of this blogWell, it's happened. I have been discovered. I think once the anonymity of the blog collides with real life, it's probably time to stop. Maybe it was time anyway. Not sure exactly what I'm going to do from here, but for now Woman of the Law is on pause, and maybe the next time you come here this blog will be gone. We'll see.<br> <br>Unfortunately we've seen the PD blogging community slowly disappear, so I hope a new generation of PDs finds a way to keep blogging, or be involved with one another, because it's been really great to have conversations with other PDs out in the world. See y'all on the flip side!<br> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105917.post-36078099122756166472009-11-20T23:25:00.001-05:002009-11-20T23:25:44.422-05:00where my pd peeps at?Today was one of those days that I will look back upon, as being one of the most important days of my career. I have a horrible, terrible case with an innocent client facing life in prison and it feels like I might not sleep for the next few years. Only a real pd knows this misery. Right now I need to huddle up with my public defender community, arms on shoulders, pull our heads together, talk it out, yell it out, scream it out, cry it out, march together, fight together, win together. If I could invite all of you over, we would eat pizza and drink beer and wine and definitely something stronger, whiskey sounds good, and when it was all over I'd feel ok, I'd have a plan, I'd feel stronger having had you here to support me.<br> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105917.post-79858495777218998192009-11-13T12:30:00.001-05:002009-11-13T12:30:22.895-05:00new book on why the system sucksHas anyone read the book <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Ordinary-Injustice-America-Holds-Court/dp/0805074473">"Ordinary Injustice"</a> by Amy Bach? I'm uncertain whether I'd like to - I already hear enough of what a hack I am. I'm not sure that I disagree with her premise - I guess I'd have to read the book to find out. Any PDs out there going to wade through it? Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105917.post-10285889359474452342009-11-10T19:41:00.001-05:002009-11-10T19:41:38.187-05:00goings onI won but not the way I should have or wanted to. So I didn't feel good about the win, because it didn't feel right, although I think in the end I should have won for the right reasons. There were many reasons I should have won, those just weren't the right ones. How crappy is that? I get a win and can't be happy about it, on principle. But I suppose my opponent now knows a bit what it feels like to be a P.D. - to be on the losing side for the wrong reasons.<br> <br>I am applying for jobs, more for geographical purposes than anything else. This is a huge deal. I do not feel ready for change, only because I'm scared. I'm afraid that I'll end up without a job somehow, or that I'll feel as though I've made a terrible decision, or that I'm making decisions that bring me no closer to the right path. I am totally and completely afraid. Also, I am dismayed how many people want my law school transcripts or want me to write an essay about what life experiences I have that make me a good public defender. Um, well, I am a public defender. I've been a PD for 4 years. I found that to be very good preparation for being a public defender. I thought it would be easier to make a lateral move - but it's the exact same process, 4 yrs later.<br> <br><br> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105917.post-13050698138606600292009-08-30T21:48:00.001-05:002009-08-30T21:48:05.041-05:00to those about to rock [1L year]I noticed a spike in visitors, and noticed that there was a significant number of people searching for advice on being a 1L. <br><br><a href="http://womanofthelaw.blogspot.com/2005/05/what-i-learned-in-law-school-1l-year.html">I wrote this over 4 years ago</a> for those entering law school [yikes!] and it's a good thing I wrote it then, because I don't remember what it felt like to be a law student as much anymore.<br> <br>Good luck to all entering those hallowed halls. Just remember, you're worthy.<br> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105917.post-8481777530350214402009-08-27T10:56:00.001-05:002009-08-27T10:56:41.337-05:00on being a public defender<div>I have exactly, precisely, $10.92 to last me the next 8 days.</div> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105917.post-63983002728470012162009-08-26T06:43:00.001-05:002009-08-26T06:43:49.466-05:00Dear ABA Law JournalThank you for your emails to me as a blawger. It's nice of you to write me things of interest. What I want you to know is that there is very little you do that is of interest to me. Your monthly magazine, your website, all those things are about and geared towards a very specific subset of lawyers; namely, the big firm - corp counsel types. Our profession is so much broader than that, and you perpetuate this narrowing of the profession that begins with law school.<br> <br>So about this Rebel project you have going on? Thanks for letting me know, I'll be sure to check on it, but I'm already disappointed. Your rebel is a corp counsel who doesn't hire firms if they have a poor track record regarding diversity. That's commendable. It's not rebellious. <br> <br>Thanks for continuing to marginalize attorneys working in the public interest. Neither you nor my clients see me as a real lawyer.<br> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105917.post-40869117470756764232009-08-25T21:40:00.001-05:002009-08-25T21:40:19.335-05:00even the annoying onesI just noticed that he wore the same shirt on the past three court dates.<br><br>He drives me absolutely insane, but he wore his nice shirt. Because he probably has only one.<br><br>He tap dances on my last nerve, but I'm so proud? humbled? pleased? to be his lawyer. I'm glad that something pushed through the barrier of my annoyance and tapped me on the shoulder to remind me that yeah, he's a huge pain in the ass, but he's a human being who has a lot of life battles, and I'm so glad that I could stand by him. Because the prosecutor with the shiny shoes and the judge with his season tickets and the detective with his nice suit and badge will come in, and I get to be the only one privileged enough to fight for the guy with only one nice shirt.<br> <br>Thank you, thank you, thank you for letting me be your lawyer. <br><br>I only have one nice suit.<br> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105917.post-16652335766305335572009-08-10T19:34:00.001-05:002009-08-10T19:34:23.930-05:00for those who were PDs but then weren'tfor those who left, or those who left and returned to the profession...<br><br>What do you think? What made you leave? How do you feel now that you left? Did it change the role that work plays in your life? And for those who came back... why? And how do you feel about your return?<br> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105917.post-22814948671023586812009-07-22T11:21:00.001-05:002009-07-22T11:21:20.983-05:00reflecting on envy<div>Sherry at <a href="http://rhubarbpie.typepad.com/" target="_blank">Rhubarb Pie</a> recently wrote about how it felt to learn that someone that you knew once and were in the same place as once is doing something 'important' or 'prestigious', leaving you to wonder, well, what about me? Read her blog entry, I feel as though I'm not properly summarizing her thoughts and am projecting my own a bit.</div> <div> </div> <div>The exact same thing happened to me last week. I found out that an acquaintance I knew once, who was on the same place as me once, is doing Big Things or at least has a Big Title. It sounds smart, and prestigious, and important. And it made me think, why not me? People around me have said, You could do the same thing! But that is not true. I'm not sure why. And I envy his title of importance, and the respect it commands. I want it.</div> <div> </div> <div>There are a few things this makes me consider. What is it that I feel as though stands between me and a Big Title? Aside from the fact that I probably don't want it - why do I feel as though I couldn't have it? I can't answer that question, but that's an important question, and I think I need a few good answers. Do I feel as though my socio-economic class (prior and current) limits me? Do I feel as though I'm not in fact as smart as I've led other people to believe I am?</div> <div> </div> <div>I'm self-aware enough to know that it's important to me that other people think I'm smart. I don't want to be smartER than everyone else. I just want a room full of smart people to think that I'm smart and interesting, too. I'm not athletic or artistic. I think other people find me generally pretty funny but I'm not always very social. My thing has always been grades, and getting good grades. (maybe less so in law school, the great equalizer). There are no grades now. So who am I and what do I use to evaluate myself? Who am I? What am I? Now I'm not smart or important and I regularly wonder in my day to day job, "I went to law school for THIS?"</div> <div> </div> <div>Now, let's turn back to the fact that most jobs with Big Titles are not jobs that interest me. On paper, the job I have now is the job I want. But there are these wispy intangible things that makes this job not completely fulfilling to me. I don't really want any other job, I just want this job to make me happier. I'm not sure how to do that. I also wonder if perhaps I'm putting too much importance on my job being 100% fulfilling, and that maybe I should be more focused on making my personal life more fulfilling and stop expecting my profession to dictate my life. That goes back to wanting to be smart, I suppose. </div> <div> </div> <div>My envy has me thinking about these things.</div> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105917.post-63258360250744064702009-07-21T07:58:00.001-05:002009-07-21T07:58:23.433-05:00Henry Louis Gates Jr. arrested for yelling in his home<div><a href="http://www.boston.com/news/education/higher/articles/2009/07/21/racial_talk_swirls_with_gates_arrest/">Gates suspected of breaking into his own house, then arrested for yelling.</a></div> <div> </div> <div>The ability of police to escalate situations is just downright commendable. There wasn't a crime committed until the police were present. I'm still unclear what exactly the crime was that occurred when the police arrived. (Certainly the observation, "This is what happens to black men in America", referring to the fact that the police entered Gates's home because they thought he was breaking in TO HIS OWN HOME, is not illegal). </div> <div> </div> <div>How do I know the police are lying?</div> <div>1. The second officer doesn't corroborate the first officer's account.</div> <div>2. No one ever yells, "I'll talk to yo' mama outside!" </div> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105917.post-3261113190543638362009-07-05T13:33:00.001-05:002009-07-05T13:33:32.760-05:00just got dumped<p>which may be fodder for renewed posting. Still trying to figure it all out.</p> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105917.post-35073658433062469232009-04-07T19:22:00.001-05:002009-04-07T19:22:05.341-05:00on being a public defender: you should also be something else<div>I've been working hard at trying to value myself through something other than my job. I'm working hard trying not to rely on my job for deriving my sole source of pride or accomplishment. The reason for that is because this job sucks. I am a smart, hard-working, personable attorney. However, no matter how much time or favorable law or civility or hard work I bring to the job, the outcome feels so predestined. I often feel that I could accomplish the same results by caring less, working less, using the law less, being less prepared, and having nothing more than a high school diploma.</div> <div> </div> <div>My work environment is part of the problem. Because the volume tends to be high in my jurisdiction, there are a lot of prosecutors, a lot of lawyers, a high turnover rate for judges and prosecutors and defense attorneys. I take my professional reputation very seriously, and it's important to me that the people who interact with me can at least respect me if they don't like me. I'd rather they didn't like me, actually, but just respected me. Recently, I've been offended by some judges because I expected that they saw how hard I worked, that I had integrity, that I afforded the court and the proceedings appropriate deference and respect, and that therefore when I needed some leeway (more time to find witnesses, or file a motion, or when I didn't appear on my own cases one day because oh, I WAS OUT SICK ONE DAY THIS ENTIRE YEAR) that this leeway would be granted. Not being the type of attorney to abuse these things, I thought I was owed at least that. Apparently I hold no such regard in the eyes of others.</div> <div> </div> <div>The law is not often on my side, so when it is, I expect you not to do disingenuous legal gymnastics to avoid ruling in my favor. You can so easily rule against me within the bounds of the law, every single day. Why thwart the law unnecessarily?</div> <div> </div> <div>I've known this before, but I recently have had to remind myself of this constantly: this job cannot be my life. A job this abusive and demoralizing and sad and illogical cannot be what I base my happiness and self-worth upon. I've invested so much of my life in social justice and social causes that I'm not sure what else I enjoy. I'm reading a lot more now, which is great, and I'm trying to make exercise a non-waivable priority, and I'm getting into music a lot more than I have been in recent years. I've been to two museums, one choral concert, and one play in the past 6 weeks or so. I cook a lot more.</div> <div> </div> <div>The other thing I can't quite explain is that I would rather that other people in the courthouse didn't know who I really am. With these social networking sites, or just being within close living and working proximity to my adversaries and to judges, I've suddenly realized that I don't want these people anywhere near the real, complete me. I don't go to the bar when I know everyone else is going to be there anymore. I thought at first that maybe knowing each other better would be good, but I don't trust it. I don't trust that these people wouldn't use it to their advantage, or take the opportunity to further estrange us. (Ever had a prosecutor sidle up alongside you and be all, "But you know your clients are all guilty right?" Awesome.) I'm jealously guarding parts of myself from the courthouse, and hoping that doing so will let these parts flourish instead of stomping them out, the way the courthouse has managed to stomp out any incentives for me to be a good lawyer.</div> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105917.post-33836255631521980002009-04-05T17:37:00.001-05:002009-04-05T17:37:19.908-05:00if you don't have anything nice to say<div>don't say anything at all.</div> <div> </div> <div>I'll be back.</div> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105917.post-42130626871542066352009-01-19T11:09:00.001-05:002009-01-19T11:09:59.785-05:00MLK Day<div>I was writing another PD-related post but had to stop and say something else. </div> <div> </div> <div>I'm watching a special on Dr. King right now in light of the holiday. Dr. King is so incredibly captivating. His voice, his energy, his quiet power is just so incredible - and this is just from watching old video. I can only imagine what it would have been like to be in his presence. </div> <div> </div> <div>Watching him motivate crowds of young African-American children, young African-American adults, watching these crowds fight for education and racial / economic equality, watching the police attack these crowds of black youth - these images leave me so conflicted. I can't help but think that my job is a symptom of what we've still failed to accomplish of Dr. King's cause. I know how frustrated urban youth are with the police. And yet where is their fight? I feel frustrated that there is no bigger movement to fight this fight. I feel overwhelmed by the burden of fighting this fight as one person, trying to fight it one case at a time. It's like trying to stick fingers and toes in the cracks of a dam. I want my clients to feel empowered to do something about how they are treated by the criminal system. I want my clients to feel empowered to do something about socio-economic stratification that is so glaringly apparent in urban areas. I'm fighting this fight as best I can, both in my job and in my personal life. But why am I fighting? Who am I fighting for? I feel like I'm fighting for a good number of people who want me to fight for them, but aren't interested in fighting for themselves. Occasionally when my clients or their families voice complaints about rampant police lies and misconduct, or racial disparity in criminal consequences, I encourage them to be pro-active, to engage their communities and their political representatives. I tell them that they know better than anyone else who is being victimized and how. I want them to feel like this is something they are capable of changing, to work on changing the dynamic instead of just reacting to it.</div> <div> </div> <div>I can take a look around a courtroom filled with 100-200 people, and see maybe one white face. I want to take a look at those faces and see a movement like Dr. King did. I fear that the same room of people would be so much more likely to take today and go see the movie Notorious, and who would rather fight for the opportunity to live a lifestyle of a rap star, or of gang violence, or drug money. I fear that rap stars play too prevalent a role as leaders for the communities in which my clients live. It's demoralizing to me, and I want to know where Dr. King's fight went. I want to know what it would take to bring it back. Have we been so successful in creating racial and socio-economic apartheid in our country that we've taken the fight out of those who we oppress? We've been so successful in marginalizing the marginalized? </div> <div> </div> <div>Tomorrow, our first African-American president will be sworn in. And I hope that in this historic event, where young people are flooding the inauguration just to be a part of President Obama, to just be part of his movement, to be in his presence and to be inspired by him, that this reinvigorates Dr. King's fight. President Obama can empower these communities in a national, cohesive way that no one else has in some time. I'm just a lawyer, I'm not inspiring anyone to action. I'm so excited to see a leader who is capable of empowering communities, to inspire them to action. There can be no better way to follow the celebration of Dr. King's life and legacy than by the inauguration of such an inspiring leader. For racial and socio-economic justice - finally, a leader. </div> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105917.post-88605721149247861172009-01-10T20:02:00.001-05:002009-01-10T20:02:53.815-05:00It's been two months already?<div>I am shocked, SHOCKED, to discover that I haven't written an entry is more than two months. Has it been that long? </div> <div> </div> <div>I don't have much to write about specifically, right this second, except I'd like to point out that either the PD blog community is dwindling or I'm not doing a very good job of following it. When I was in law school, and maybe just a baby attorney, I was reading so many PD blogs and one at a time these blogs are going defunct. It makes me feel sad. It felt like a good community to be a part of, even if only virtually. </div> <div> </div> <div>I guess I'm not really doing such a good job of keeping the community going myself, but I hope to fix that soon enough.</div> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105917.post-80553603239728393412008-10-26T15:56:00.001-05:002008-10-26T15:56:01.945-05:00calling all motion writers<div>I'm looking for a really good analysis, scientific or legal, that supports why DNA samples are testimonial evidence and thus protected by the Fifth Amendment (unlike blood, or hair, which are physical evidence and thus not implicated by the Fifth Amendment). I cannot possibly do a thorough review of the millions of scientific articles on the endless possibilities of the information we can get from DNA, but I hope to use this information some day to write a motion in limine. </div> <div> </div> <div>I think it's fun to argue that 40 years of clearly established Fifth Amendment jurisprudence was wrong. </div> <div> </div> <div>If there are any non-lawyers reading this, how do you feel about the fact that the government has the right to get your fingerprints / blood / hair and use it against you as they see fit? Do you think the government should be able to use your body to prosecute you? Do you think the right against self-incrimination should be involved in that determination at all?</div> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7105917.post-16878451552655139902008-10-25T12:45:00.001-05:002008-10-25T12:45:11.762-05:00But my dream's not coming true.<div>The kid next to me at the coffeeshop said that to his dad. I'd guess the kid is somewhere between 3 and 4. I love listening to a child's thought process. He was so upset that his dream wasn't coming true - when his dad asked what dream he was referring to, he kid said, "My dream of having sea animals." His dad admitted right, it wasn't coming true, but maybe it would someday.</div> <div> </div> <div>I was sitting at the table, finishing the best latte in the entire city, and my delicious goat cheese and onion quiche, and trying to slowly process the phone call I got from my brother the night before. I was in a cab on the way to a honky tonk dive bar, a few glasses of wine and a few good Gillian Welch songs already in me. My brother got his deployment date. In about a week and a half, he said, he would be in the midst of the most volatile area of Afghanistan. He wanted me to know what arrangements were made. Who the life insurance beneficiaries are. Who has power of attorney. That our mother would be the first one notified, but he was going to try to change it. He wanted it to be me. And if it wasn't, he assured me there would be plenty of money in his account, and could I please make sure to get to my mother within 24 hours. He didn't think she could handle it.</div> <div> </div> <div>Of course. Of course. I got you. I understand. Consider it done. Absolutely I'll make sure to. I could only respond in calm affirmations. I got this covered, don't worry, I'll make sure it's taken care of. I know he's scared, there's nothing I can do to make it not scary, all I can do is make sure that he knows I've got his back, on this side. </div> <div> </div> <div>I'm tired. I feel like I take care of a lot of people. Why am I always the one to take care of it? When is someone, anyone, going to start looking after me? Before, it was a decision that my brother made that we selfishly and protectively tried to talk him out of. He was so mad that we all tried to convince him that he was making a terrible decision, joining the military. When he snapped one day on the phone, yelling, "Why can't any of you just appreciate that I'm doing an honorable thing?" all I could say was, "If anything ever happened to you, and we never tried to stop it, we'd never be able to live with ourselves." But he went ahead, and after we couldn't stop him, all we could do is support him 100%. And now this means not just accepting his choice, but taking on responsibility for his choice. His choice means making sure I have some time set aside, if I ever needed to go home on a moment's notice. His choice means I need to take care of my mom, several hours away, while trying to take care of myself. His choice means I have to decide what and when to tell my father, with whom my brother hasn't spoken in years and to whom he still refuses to speak. His choice means that if something happens, I have to keep it together, take care of them, help them, make sure they're ok. That responsibility sucks, and I didn't ask for it.</div> <div> </div> <div>I'm not saying that I don't want to take care of my family with every ounce of my being. Of course I do. I'm freaking out, though. Why isn't my punkass little brother still living nearby, going to school, or working, or otherwise misbehaving in ways that cause us fits of anxiety? Why couldn't he have decided to move to Thailand or Costa Rica and farm? Couldn't he just have gotten another tattoo or piercing or stupid mechanical toy like a snowmobile? Why did he have to decide to enlist? There's nothing I can do to control this. I can't make sure he's safe, I can't keep him from harm, but I'm supposed to keep it all together on the other end. It's shitty. I hate it.</div> <div> </div> <div>So now I feel fiercely protective and mindful of my family, mindful of my role to keep them calm and ease their worries, while still trying to cope with that anxiety and worry myself. On top of feeling the weight of hundreds of clients' problems on my shoulders, on top of constant worry and anxiety about my friends' drinking, or unacknowledged depression, or general recklessness; in addition to the regular old lesser worries about getting everything done in a day, not gaining weight, paying bills, or wondering if I'll ever be married and so desperately wanting kids. I wish someone was making a phone call to say, Please look after her. I don't know if she can make it through this one alone.</div> <div> </div> <div>But I'm not really alone. I have friends and family who love me, and we'll get through it together. We'll work out our worry and our anxiety together, we'll look out for him the best ways we can, and we'll look out for each other too. I love you, little bro, make sure you take care of yourself and be safe. You're smart and resourceful and sensitive to others, I have faith these things will carry you back home safely. </div> <div> </div> <div>The old Chinese curse, "May you live in interesting times" rings true. I have lived through interesting times, and I'm hoping to live in less interesting times. Boring family sitcom-type times. I think I've encountered some fairly turbulent decades, and I keep dreaming of a time when I'm cruising at a steady altitude, turbulence free, where I can undig my nails from the armrest, relax my shoulders, and maybe even let my head rest gently against the seat. That's my dream. Not coming true right now, but maybe like the kiddo's sea animals, maybe one day. </div> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2