Monday, June 25, 2007

neurosis

Sancho asks, How are things going with Frontrunner?  The one word answer is, Terrific.
 
But I'm not very good at being in relationships.  This is a bit of an Insta-Relationship, which is not what I wanted.  From the start he's made it clear that he's not dating anyone else, that he doesn't want to date anyone else, that he wants to spend a lot of time with me, that he totally and utterly adores me.  The good thing about that is that I never have the opportunity to feel insecure.  The bad thing about this is that I've fallen into the trap of letting this happen - talking to him every day, seeing him as often as we can manage.  While I'm with him, I enjoy it.  I like being around him and we have fun and we have good chemistry.  Then I can't stand it anymore.  I feel smothered, I feel like I need space, I feel like it's too much too fast.  I'm not ready to be anyone's girlfriend.  I'm not ready to move my life around for someone else yet.  When you make too many accomodations, that means you incur a greater loss at the inevitable end.  I like him a lot.  I'm not ready to say that I'm in for the long haul.  We don't know each other well enough yet.  I'm afraid to invest too much because it hurts to unravel it all at the end. 
 
Despite my [reasonable] concerns, I'm letting myself get swept up.  I haven't been able to set the boundaries that I probably should have and so, when he doesn't call I call him.  When he says, We can hang out whenever you're free, I take full advantage of every free moment I have to see him.  I hate that I'm so weak.

2 comments:

Tom said...

When's the last time you were someone's girlfriend?

Sanchovilla said...

Wow! This sounds really great!

If you're really concerned about things going too well for you in this new relationship, let me help you out.

I'll ship out a plane ticket tomorrow...You can come to California for a fantastic and meaningless (emotionally) weekend fling and go back to (insert city here) where you can explain to the Frontrunner what you did this weekend.

That should set you back a few years...slow that relationship right up!

Seriously, LET yourself get swept up...life is way to crappy and short to be lonely...I wish I could listen to my own advice sometimes.