Saturday, April 08, 2006

love will not find you tonight, part 2

Last night I went out on a second date with the guy from last week. We went to a nice bar that I had been to before. Like the last one, it was very dark and intimate, with couches, cushions, and candles around the room. The conversation started slowly, as we had covered just about everything in the 4 hours we spent together the previous week.

I was drinking slowly, too, because I'm just coming off a stomach virus, and I'm always tired on Fridays. I didn't want to drink myself into yawning on a date with a guy who gives me butterflies. But for all my efforts to drink slowly, he kept insisting that I keep up. He wanted me to have more and more drinks. We discussed our families, spirituality, the Seattle grunge scene, his livelihood, all in the midst of some really, really hot making out.

Before I went on the date, I was insistent that I wasn't going to make out with him at the bar again. No no, I was going to play hard to get this time. I wanted him to know that he'd have to work to charm me. Although I wasn't instantly attracted to him when I met him, last night I was insanely attracted to him. I really, really like him. He looked so good, and I could only ward him off for so long before I finally caved. We kissed, and kissed, and kissed, and there's a long period of time that we were kissing that I don't even remember, until the part where he suggested that we go back to his place and watch a movie.

Most of this sitcom's viewers probably realize that's not likely to happen at this stage in the episode. I, however, do actually believe that we'll watch the movie, then we'll probably make out on his couch a bit more, then I'll go home. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER.

We went back to his place and I know he likes scary movies, so I picked "Exorcism of Emily Rose" which I did really want to see. At first we were sitting on the couch. Then the light goes off. Then he wants me to lie down next to him. He has his arm wrapped around me; he wants to make sure I'm comfortable. I was happy. He definitely kept wanting to make out, but I tried to keep him in check while I was watching the movie. And like everything else, eventually he won and the movie was turned off.

Some more hot making out ensued on his bed. The making out was a little hotter than I had intended, but it was HOT. I was taken aback that this kind of quiet, smart, funny, cute, slender guy was pulling moves like he was pulling. But no doubt I was enjoying myself.

So the whole night sounds great, until the next 60 seconds: after we had stopped making out, we both nodded off for a moment. I got up to go to the bathroom and when I came back, something had changed. He was up, getting dressed; he was trying to help me find my shirt. It had suddenly become very, very apparent to me that he wanted me to leave.

There is little that is more upsetting, offensive, insulting than that.

I quickly pulled my shirt over my head, refusing to look at him. As I put on my shoes he asked, "Are you ok to go home?" I thought about my answer for a moment. No, he didn't ask me to stay. He asked me if I was sure I was ok to go home. I said tersely, again without looking at him, "I'm fine." As I slipped on my shoes he asked me again. "You sure you'll be ok? You know, this late at night." Again, I thought, What am I supposed to say? "Actually, is it ok if I stay here and spend the night with you?" I'm not going to ask that! So as I slipped on my shoes and turned and opened the door without so much as looking at him again, I said, "I'm fine" and I jerked the door shut behind me.

I walked down the hall to the elevator and every nanosecond I so very much wanted him to call after me, to follow me down the hall, to grab my arm. But he didn't. I got to the elevator and got in. I heard someone walking down the hall at a moderate pace. The doors closed before I could have my fears confirmed that it wasn't him at all.

I left his building. I called my best friend. I cried. I didn't have enough money to take a cab all the way back to my place, so I took a cab back to her place and was crying on her couch 20 minutes later, at 4:30 am. I cried because I was disappointed. I cried because I was afraid that maybe I overreacted and that maybe he wanted me to stay and was trying to get me to stay and that I'll never see this really, really great guy who gives me butterflies in my stomach again because I walked out the door.

He never called to see that I got home ok, even after I told him how I DID NOT get home ok after our last date.

Now it's 5 pm. He still hasn't called. I called a few friends for advice - no one picked up. Finally I called the friend who tells me exactly what I know I need to hear, but I can't bring myself to believe.

You should have walked out, she said. He should have asked you to stay. It's shitty that he was kicking you out. He could have come after you, at least to call a cab or go downstairs and make sure you get in a cab ok. 'But what if he wasn't trying to kick me out? What if he mistakenly thought I wanted to leave? What if he was trying to ask me to stay?' No no no, she insisted. If he wanted you to stay, he would have asked you to stay. He would have run after you. 'What if he didn't know I was upset? What if he didn't realize what was going on?' No no no, she admonished. He knew. He knew exactly what was going on. He could have at least called to see if you got home ok. He didn't. DO NOT CALL HIM. If you call him, you'll see him again, and the same things will happen, and just like with Tenacious D, you'll let him get away with this and you'll be upset anyway. If he calls you, fine. But if he doesn't, then at least you know now rather than later that he isn't for you.

Every girl I've spoken with agrees that it was the right thing for me to walk out. I mean really, what other choice did I have? I wonder what the men out there think. What happened?

The entire time we were together on both dates, I couldn't help but feel the nagging from that little (ok, really loud) voice of insecurity in my mind. I couldn't help but think, "Why me? Why is he with me? Why is he so into me? Why would an attractive, smart, funny single guy be so focused and psyched about ME?" To be able to continue forward despite that anxiety and that insecurity takes effort - and I did it anyway. I liked him. I liked talking to him. I liked kissing him. And it's so harsh to get the realization that in the end, oh yeah, he really isn't into me. That whole time that you finally managed to get past your insecurity was actually a mistake. I feel like I'm back to being a 100% insecure, nervous, risk-averse 20-something with no ability to formulate or even simulate healthy relationships with members of the opposite sex.

I can't help but hate myself for doing what will ultimately end this otherwise really good dating experience - even if it actually was because something in the dating experience went amiss.

I wish he would call.


Blonde Justice said...

I agree with the latter friend, he just sucks.

(As a side note, I read the first 6 or so paragraphs thinking, "Aaaw, I wish I was single!" And the rest thinking, "God, I'm so glad I'm not single.)

But, here's the other thing, when he's asking, "Are you ok to get home?" what other answer options are there? One, you can say yes, and leave, which is what you did. Two, you could say, "No, can I stay?" which you already considered. But what are the other options? What if you had just said, "What's the hurry?" or "I'm not sure, maybe you should make sure I get home safe." (And then, I think the ball would be in his court to decide whether that means put you in a cab or escort you all the way home.)

I sort of think he should have had to escort you all the way home, just as a lesson. Oh, next time you'll think twice before kicking me out in the middle of the night, when you see what my trip home looks like at this hour.

Fresh? said...

I don't get it, did he have other plans at 4:30 am? Another date? Why would you not want a girl to stay?

Men are idiots.

Mr. Vasquez said...

alright, I think it all depends on if you went all the way on his bed. If you guys just made out and then you decided to leave then I think he was being polite, but if you did just had sex then yes he really wanted you to leave.

notguilty said...

I think men are freaks, that's what I think.

I've seen you in person, there is no reason why a guy wouldn't want you to stay.

Except for the fact that the are truly dumb.

You were right to leave, but I would have said you should have asked him to AT LEAST call you a cab.

DistractedandDistraught said...

Wow. I think you're lucky you got out alive. The total switch in his behavior is just ODD. The two of you had been making out all night, you went back to his place, then. . . get out? That makes zero sense. Fresh is right--he clearly is an idiot. And possibly psycho--perhaps the voices in his head or his vision of "mother" convinced him to get you out of there. Consider it a win, and don't accept his call without an explanation and apology.

Sanchovilla said...

I know I'm jumping on the comment bandwagon a bit late on this one, but I feel the need to defend men everywhere...

The entire time we were together on both dates, I couldn't help but feel the nagging from that little (ok, really loud) voice of insecurity in my mind. I couldn't help but think, "Why me? Why is he with me? Why is he so into me? Why would an attractive, smart, funny single guy be so focused and psyched about ME?"

He probably is really into you. Maybe he just thought he was moving too fast with someone he really, really likes?

after we had stopped making out, we both nodded off for a moment. I got up to go to the bathroom and when I came back, something had changed. He was up, getting dressed; he was trying to help me find my shirt.

Maybe he was doing the same thing here that you did. Maybe he sensed assumed(wrongly) that when you went to the bathroom after nodding off that you were trying to facilitate an exit?

He could have come after you, at least to call a cab or go downstairs and make sure you get in a cab ok.

Although this dude might have the skills to wine and dine you, he is obviously lacking in the common sense and ettiquete department.

Your friends are right. HE should have called you BUT if he still hasn't, why don't you call him and ask him what happened?

If you can't call him for yourself, at least call him for me. Stop being selfish and think about your readers. As always, I want to know what the hell was going on in this dude's head.

superfluous sentiments said...

You know reading your post makes me so mad for you about this guy. This is that typical, "He's not really into you.." sort of bullshit that really pisses me off about a guy. I mean, he was making out with you and everything and he knows better to ask you are you alright to go home when he made the first move to get his stuff, etc... I mean dropping the hint of leaving... that pisses me off. I would NOT call his ass. I like blonde justice's comment about escorting you home. I just wouldn't want to put myself in a situation of calling him to further make me feel bad.

Let me say this, I dated this guy for 9 months... a law student - me a pharmacy student. We were together every weekend, etc... a couple, I thought. Then around Christmas I ask him, "What are we?" The proverbial question of unanswered things I needed to know but thought I knew by actions only... NOT. Men don't equate intimacy with love. Women do at times. He answered, "I thought we were just hanging out..." Oh my GOD. Hanging out? I don't hang out like that with my FRIENDS. I bawled like a baby in front of him. Begged for another try... Oh it was pathetic. Then, after it all ended, I rebounded with another guy (who is now a lawyer, go figure... wasn't one at the time) and MARRIED his ass. After that one failed - put him through undergrad and he heads off to George Washington U Law, I move on with a new life, etc... and picked up where I left off before the big mistake of letting myself let this guy hurt me = vulnerability = rebound = mistake...

MEN SUCK ASS. Except my husband now.. but that was just a fluke. :) Hugs to you... he's a jerk... just brought back some raw memories.

Blonde Justice said...

I was just listening to one of my favorite songs, and I was thinking, it could've been worse.

You got up
to wash your face
when you came back to bed
you could have found that someone had taken your place.

When you think you've got things bad, just remember, it's all relative. =)

Twenty Something Law Girl said...


I'm with the majority of the posters. He wanted you to leave. At least based on the post, he's a jerk, not a misunderstood sensitive soul.

I asked my fiance why men do things like this and he said that men think that as long as they don't say "I love you" or something similar they aren't being dishonest and anything you do with them is at your own risk, because they didn't promise anything.

Seriously. I almost killed him. And I love him very much. That said, I think we women have to embrace the truth and stop making excuses or trying to puzzle some kind of reason out of scenarios like this. While women usually get emotions caight up in sex, most men seperate the two and don't feel guilty about it.

Seriously, men suck.

Anonymous said...

What the hell did you expect - his wife works the night shift at the hospital and gets home at 5:00 AM. Had to get the whore out of the hhouse before the woMan of the house gets in.

You should have done him when you had the chance. BTW ever here of HIV?

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