Wednesday, April 26, 2006
I've started to notice that I'm filled with an astonishing amount of self-loathing. This is not something I'd like to process on el bloggo. Well, of course it is. But then I'm disgusted with myself for being one of those people who writes inarticulately about her life ["like, ohmygod, I totally like this boy but he doesn't like me back" and "I'm like, just so hard on myself and like, my therapist says I should love me more? and love me for who I am? and like, that is so deep."] In the same way that I'll actually 'practice law' for about an hour and then spend at least an hour hating myself for being dumb. Another example: Sometimes I like to write, but know that I'm terrible at it, and end up feeling incredibly stupid and childish after I try. I also hate just about every part of my body for an independent reason. I didn't realize this until today when a friend of mine, exasperated at my matter-of-fact explanation as to why I need plastic surgery on my gut, finally said to me: "You seem to be fixated on flaws that don't actually exist." Then she listed all of the ones that I've discussed with her. I was embarrassed. I'm still pretty sure they exist, but I suppose I'll go back to secretly loathing them. Then this same friend, a few moments later, also caught me off guard by calling me out on something else I didn't quite realize about myself: I believe that I am virtually undateable. I do believe that there is little chance in me finding someone who would love someone as flawed as I am. And there, now I've gone and said all of those things that I said I wouldn't say in the beginning of the paragraph and whoa buddy, I'm going to end up deleting this later.
Posted by WomanoftheLaw at 7:35 PM