Wednesday, April 26, 2006

like, seriously.

I've started to notice that I'm filled with an astonishing amount of self-loathing. This is not something I'd like to process on el bloggo. Well, of course it is. But then I'm disgusted with myself for being one of those people who writes inarticulately about her life ["like, ohmygod, I totally like this boy but he doesn't like me back" and "I'm like, just so hard on myself and like, my therapist says I should love me more? and love me for who I am? and like, that is so deep."] In the same way that I'll actually 'practice law' for about an hour and then spend at least an hour hating myself for being dumb. Another example: Sometimes I like to write, but know that I'm terrible at it, and end up feeling incredibly stupid and childish after I try. I also hate just about every part of my body for an independent reason. I didn't realize this until today when a friend of mine, exasperated at my matter-of-fact explanation as to why I need plastic surgery on my gut, finally said to me: "You seem to be fixated on flaws that don't actually exist." Then she listed all of the ones that I've discussed with her. I was embarrassed. I'm still pretty sure they exist, but I suppose I'll go back to secretly loathing them. Then this same friend, a few moments later, also caught me off guard by calling me out on something else I didn't quite realize about myself: I believe that I am virtually undateable. I do believe that there is little chance in me finding someone who would love someone as flawed as I am. And there, now I've gone and said all of those things that I said I wouldn't say in the beginning of the paragraph and whoa buddy, I'm going to end up deleting this later.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

"Woman of the Flaw"?

Anonymous said...

Not that this will probably make you feel any better, but you seem like an amazing person. I'm at a similar point in my life as you are, and I feel like you are just going through natural sort of stuff for this age. But really, you shouldn't fixate on the negatives. You are REALLY being too hard on yourself.

Mr. Vasquez said...

I think anonymous might be your therapist, but nonetheless I think you may need to concentrate on accomplishments or future accomplishments. There is nothing that makes me feel better then doing the things that I’m good at. Take up a task or something; start something new, something that you never done before.

BJ said...

Dude, I am waiting for Fresh Pepper to comment on this...

I totally agree with the second comment. I've been reading your blog for a long time, really like what you're writing and often feel that I can relate.

If I were you, I would probably reread stuff such as this now:
http://womanofthelaw.blogspot.com/2004/07/are-men-just-pluckier-here.html

Hang in there!

la lawyer said...

I haven't been reading for a super long time, but I would have to agree with anon2 that you seem like someone with an awful lot to offer. I think most women (and a lot of men) obsess over what they perceive to be flaws that others do not see.

And we all have those low days. I for one have been married once, had a few serious boyfriends and been at certain times in my life a serial dater, but there are still days when I would describe myself as virtually undateable.

CM said...

I never thought that someone who really knew me would actually keep liking me, either. Somehow, I was wrong.