Thursday, October 27, 2005

and now back to our regularly scheduled program

What happened after that? Well, he did call when he came back into town, but then recanted everything he said that fateful night. We were nothing but coworkers, how was he supposed to know that I was interested, there was no understanding, sure there were feelings but neither one of us had expressed them, it was rude of me to leave without saying anything at all, and even if anything was between he and I, he didn't do anything wrong by approaching another woman he was interested in. (Apparently he forgot the 'i thought we knew each other / she was married' story). But yes, of course he's interested in me. That much is true. He felt that way, I wasn't imaging things, but he didn't do anything at all that should lead me to think that he was interested.

Oh yes. He actually said these things.

Stunned, I nevertheless agreed to meet him later that night. He came over to where I am staying to watch the baseball game, and I ordered (and paid for!) Thai take-out, and we sat here awkwardly for about 6 innings. I tried to engage him in conversation, I tried to get close to him, to no avail. He gave brief answers. He didn't move away from me but made no moves towards me. We sat next to each other on the couch in near darkness and he didn't so much as sneeze in my direction. Not until my friend came home did he finally start talking, and when he did, he went right back to arguing with me about how he wasn't wrong on Friday night. After the game, I walked him in the direction he needed to go in, but he insisted on walking me back for my own safety (in other circumstances, might have been sweet, but it was just annoying), and then didn't even make a MOVE near me. I finally, after he was making some awkward goodbye over and over again, hugged him and gave him a kiss on the cheek. I thought, here we go - this will break this awkward tension and that connection I felt on Friday will come back. Nope. He then kissed me on the cheek right near my lips, and we had an awkward moment as I pulled away just enough to allow him to actually KISS me, and he did not. We were sort of holding hands at that point, and he gave some weak statement like, "I want to stay, but the longer I stay the harder it will be to leave." Sometimes something like that can make you melt. I, on the other hand, was just frustrated. That was the end of that.

This is the Special Olympics of dating, right here.

I caught a lot of crap on Monday morning from the three people who were last with us. They refused to believe that nothing happened between me and Mr. Wrong. NM watched me like a hawk for my reaction when W walked in that morning, and when W greeted me casually. I called W immediately after work and told him about the questions I was dodging about what W and I did. W's response was, "What would make them think that?" Yeah, asshole, why would they think that you and I would go home together? Clearly we were just coworkers, right? Maybe not so clear.

This week hasn't been uncomfortable, but it has been odd. We can't talk at work without indicating that we somehow became more than acquaintances over the weekend. Since we never really talked before that, we have no reason to talk at all, really. We were tentatively going to get together Tuesday, but I just decided I didn't want to, so when I told him I couldn't make it because something came up, he said hurriedly, "Oh, no problem. No problem, it's fine." And that's pretty much been the extent of our interactions since then. A brief hello in the morning, on Monday maybe a brief wink or secret caress when one of us walked by, but nothing at all since then.

This is clearly going nowhere.

And here I am, sitting in front of the computer wearing nothing but my skivvies. It was SO COLD in this apartment forever, and finally they turned the heat on yesterday, and now it's blazing hot. I'm lonely, because last Tuesday's date now has a 'wifey' apparently, although he hasn't bothered to just tell me that he's seriously involved with someone else, or whatever, he just stopped calling or emailing. I think it was maybe one day after I saw him that he suddenly was totally head over heels into this other girl. And they are probably wonderful together, and he definitely was not going to end up being more than a casual date for me, but it was a blow to my ego nonetheless. And then Mr. Wrong pulls this crap, I have no idea what's going on, but you can bet that I'm not so much as lifting a finger to get his attention. We left work today around the same time and he stopped and waited for me (which surprised me) and asked where I was going. He had to meet someone somewhere, and was in a hurry, so I departed.

So my 'story' has gotten some pretty harsh remarks from some readers. I don't know what to say. I mean, I'm blogging about this because it's pretty unusual for me. I don't think it's unprofessional to date coworkers. Only married people or people who haven't been to and/or graduated from law school would say that. (Although if it's someone you have to see regularly it's probably doomed to be inconvenient and painful at some point). I spent a significant amount of time in my formative young 20s far away from eligible men. I'm now 26 years old and haven't had a boyfriend since I was 20. To be thrown in a group of people who share the same deep-rooted passion you have, and to be going through similar experiences, and to be meeting one another for the first time - something is bound to happen. Public defender work is unique work, and I can't imagine being with someone who, regardless of their profession, doesn't share my passion for serving this client population.

I'm pretty much convinced that no guy could ever genuinely be interested in dating me, so it takes a lot for me to even guess that a guy might be interested. When I finally come around to thinking, hey, maybe I'm not crazy, something happens to undercut that little step I took in the right direction. I go right back to feeling lonely and abandoned, and thinking that no guy could really ever be interested in me, because look, they all flee pretty quickly - to other women or just in the general direction of 'away.'

I'm sad that I still haven't found anyone to share my life with. It sucks that I'm buying yet another bridesmaid dress and I'm not even dating anyone. It really hurts to keep trying and attempting to date because you can't win a game if you don't even try to shoot the ball, but my shots keep bouncing off the backboard. Or they do that crazy thing where they whirl around the hoop and bounce right back out of the basket.

So, it's hard being out here in the dating world, a single 26 year old woman with not much in the way of relationships since I left college. When a night like the one I had last Friday comes along, it's something special by anyone's standards. Unfortunately, other than a nice story and a few scathing emails, I don't have anything to show for it.

4 comments:

Audacity said...

At least he's not spending the night with you and NOT making a move - that would be my story. I think you and I need to stop dating lawyers. Obviously, they are still awkward thirteen year olds when it comes to girls.

TSC Girl said...

Maybe he does like you but he backtracked b/c men in general are idiots and then you canceled on him so now he thinks you are not interested. Maybe not. I can ratioanlize anything which explains my personal life. Good luck, I am rooting for you. :)

Anonymous said...

Hmm, I think the "scathing" reaction you got had more to do with the drunken sudden hookup aspect that was lingering about your story. Dating co-workers is pretty natural given your similar interests.

Sanchovilla said...

I'm rooting for you too! I also agree with Audacity...stop dating lawyers. You should move on to Public Defender Investigators.

Actually, we're probably freakier than the lawyers so maybe thats not such a hot idea.