I was working a full day in court. I had been spending a lot of time in that courtroom, so I became buddy buddy with the court staff that week. There was one officer in particular that I rely on to change my clients from the "not ready to see the judge" to "ready to see the judge" status. Essentially, I rely on him so heavily to make my job happen that he could REALLY make or break my day.
He and I get along well. I am not in any way attracted to him, but he makes me laugh, and he definitely makes work more enjoyable. He's middle-aged, married, children. This court officer had mentioned that we should lunch together. I always lunch with my coworkers, because it's valuable time to pick their brains and benefit from their years of experience. I didn't think much of it, because it's not uncommon for court officers and attorneys to lunch together.
But something changed... he was doing a lot of, um, TOUCHING me. Rubbing my arm, my back, petting my hair, etc. To make a short story long, I started avoiding him and he kept getting more passive aggressive with me. It made me nervous, that I rely so heavily on him in order to get my work done, and he was clearly not pleased with me. Things were awkward, until we had a confrontation.
"I don't see what the problem is," he hissed several days later, as I passed him in court. The way the officer reacted made me believe that I made the right decision. There was definitely something weird. I was being super friendly to him, because I could tell that he was not happy with me. "I just wanted to have lunch, that's all. I don't like eating lunch with all those other people. It could have been just the two of us." When I left court that day, I think we were ok. He asked me for a kiss on the cheek, and I reluctantly complied.
Coworker Jack snorted in disgust when I told him about it afterwards. "You don't want to hang out with him but then you stick your tongue down his throat? No wonder you're having creepy guy problems. I don't feel bad for you."
Way back in February, one night at a bar, I was hard-core macking on a guy that I thought was totally hot. We chatted for a good part of the night, on and off. I was really, really hitting on him. It was messy. I was messy. Anyway, several times, he patted me on the head. Yes that's right. He PATTED MY HEAD. How patronizing!
I saw him again recently and mentioned to a friend that I thought he was hot. My friend, on a later date and unbeknownst to me, told him that I thought he was hot. What does he say? "Whose your friend? Her? Yeah, I'm single. Tell her to come up and talk to me sometime."
I saw him shortly thereafter, and then my friend disclosed the aforementioned conversation. So I caught this guy looking at me a few times, but I just walked out in disgust. Yeah, you're hot. But you know what? I hit on you once and you PATTED MY HEAD. I'm so over it.
One commenter asks, What's the big deal? Well, there's isn't really a big deal. I'm just sort of annoyed. I've had a pretty good summer, once I went through the withdrawal of dating anxiety. At some point, I guess I came to rely on having men drama in my life. On Memorial Day, I finally resolved to just STOP. Just take a break. Get all the bad vibes out of my system. Get my head on straight. Reach some sort of emotional equilibrium. Enjoy myself. And you know what? It worked. I had a fun summer. I hung out with friends. I went to baseball games. I took some time off. I read books. I watched movies. I hung out with my roommate and the dog. I spent a lot of time outdoors. And I really, really enjoyed it.
Perplexing #s 1-4 all happened in the SAME WEEK. I started wondering, is it me? Is it something I did? Did I somehow do something that makes people think I'm in love with them? What am I doing that's so inappropriate? Am I doomed to lead a life of awkward interactions like these? And what about #2? Was I wrong? Or was he actually interested in me? Why didn't he come back? Did something come up, or did he never give it a second thought? What the fuck is #4's problem? Is this change of heart a mere ploy to get some action? How could it be anything more than that? There can't be any genuine interest. What am I supposed to do next time I see #1?
The only reason I wrote about all of these things is because I was annoyed. I managed to have a good couple of months and straighten myself out, without any of this weird anxiety. Suddenly four people interfered with my chaos- and anxiety-free emotional state. It was uninvited. And suddenly I found myself doing exactly what made me take a break to begin with - I began analyzing, fretting, worrying, examining, thinking. I was knocked off my wagon of emotional peace and contentment, and I don't like it one bit.