I think about you sleeping, how you'll miss that morning tide. But my stomach is uneasy, and I choose to stay outside.*

Things were quickly resolved after the last post and things picked up where they had been. 

 

Until now.

 

And so there's this issue, maybe two issues, not resolvable, but both deal-breakers.  Perhaps I haven't been as detailed as I should be in my dating adventures, but this roadblock is a new one.  I would LOVE to tell you what it is, because I can guarantee someone will finally make me an offer for that book deal or sitcom that should be made about my dating experiences.  However, it doesn't feel right to share it, and I've only shared  my consternation with two or three people, and I'm going to keep it there. 

 

So yeah, it's a dealbreaker, or at least it could be, but I haven't broken anything yet and can't quite bring myself to do it.  I wonder sometimes if other people are in relationships more than I am because they have a higher tolerance for Things That Aren't Quite Right in a relationship.  I can't figure out if I'm that type of person or not.  I think I'm not.  I'm conflicted because I like spending time with him and I find him attractive, but we don't click.  We don't really have conversations, we just sort of take turns talking.  We don't have much of anything in common.  Things are comfortably casual.  I like seeing him, but I don't get butterflies in my stomach.  I haven't cut things off yet because I didn't feel like I had to.  But now that this new dealbreaker has come to light, and he's waiting to hear me say, I'm in or I'm out, I guess I may have to tackle this issue sooner than I expected.  How can I bring myself to say, "I like where we are now but realistically this is going nowhere"?  Damn it.

 

*Boom Bip, "The Matter (of our Discussion)"

regarding that last post

Disregard the "I can do good things at my job" because today came back and slapped me in the face on that one.

 

and by "uncertainty" I mean, he stopped calling. 

 

so that's that.

 

I did what any other healthy human being would do, and started drinking at lunchtime, and just stopped about an hour ago when I suddenly decided, out of the blue, that it was time for me to go home and cry.  Instead, I came home and blogged.  But the crying will probably come later.  Because I TOLD YOU SO - it hurts to unravel it all later.  There is probably a very good reason for the silence, but I won't be able to forget, next time (if) I hear from him, how it felt when I didn't.  And then we get to start from the beginning, where I'll keep him at arm's length until he tricks me into thinking that it might be ok to let go.

every day, I realize...

... that Sanchovilla is the only person who reads my blog.

 

... that I'm capable of doing good things in my job.  I've been filing motions like a madwoman, and I have piles and piles more of them to write, but you know what?  I'm winning at least half of them so far.  That's a damned good batting average.  The rest of the ones left to file - those are going to be late.  Because damnit, I need a mental break.

 

... when I'm not burnt out, I do very well with clients.  With people in general.  I charmed my way through prison last weekend, and let me tell you, I've never been such a successful flirt.  Who knew corrections could be so pleasant?  And my client was grateful for my visit and my concern.  I'm so glad I made the trek.  Last week, I managed to de-escalate? communicate with? an incredibly difficult client who has some undefined (and severe) cognitive issues and get him to agree to treatment.  And I may have even convinced the judge to sentence him to treatment, instead of the prosecutor's recommendation to the maximum sentence. 

 

... that the disrespect, derision, disgust, and dehumanizing manner in which others regard my clients is my greatest catalyst (followed closely by my own dorky interest in criminal and constitutional law).  I don't always enjoy my clients' company, but I'll snap quicker than a GlowStick if someone tries to strip them of their rights, their dignity, their humanity.  Alas, I'm not particularly eloquent or sharp-tongued when I'm pissed - but I spit fire.  Don't fuck with me, and don't dare, DON'T YOU DARE, fuck with my client. 

 

... that wanting to avoid the 'lows' of relationships is a totally valid reason to have avoided them so far.  It makes me feel yucky, this uncertainty.

where I've been.

It's 8 pm on a Friday night and it's a perfect summer evening.  The relentless rays of the sun are gone although it still hasn't set yet, and it's the time of evening that everything seems more vivid right after the rays of the sun have passed.  There's a wonderful breeze and it's a comfortable temperature, just warm enough to be fine with a t-shirt but cool enough not to break a sweat. 

 

I regret that I've settled into the evening on my couch with ice cream.

 

I wish I had great plans for a summer Friday evening, in theory.  But in actuality, I'm tired.  I left work late and then had to stop at the grocery store because I hadn't been in over a month, although that didn't matter because I'd never been home, and then I skipped the trip to the drug store despite the fact that I'm out of just about every toiletry just because I was tired and hungry and wanted to get home before I ran out of energy to cook the dinner I had planned.

 

I came home and made skillet-seared tomatoes with mozzarella and parsley, and the accompanying sizzled citrus shrimp never made it into a pan although they are now happily marinating in the fridge, for tomorrow perhaps.  Instead with my tomatoes I had some leftover black bean and corn salad, along with my favorite summer fruit beer, and dinner was good.  Now I'm sitting down on the couch with the apartment to myself and if I hadn't shuffled across the street to my neighborhood Kwik-E mart, I wouldn't even know what a gorgeous night I'm missing. 

 

I've been out of town a lot.  A lot of weddings.  Visits with friends.  Several unpacked suitcases are spilled across my room and there is no clean clothing in my drawers.  This weekend was the only weekend left in the summer that I'd be in town and not working.  That all changed today, when I couldn't get in touch with an incarcerated client about whom I am deeply concerned.  That means I'm heading out to the facility tomorrow - a facility that is not particularly close and is quite difficult to get to.  It will be an all day ordeal.  Most of my days recently have felt like I'm spinning my wheels.  Every single case I have, it seems, is scheduled for trial, and as we all know, our system is not even close to handling the volume of cases caught up in it.  Especially now that it's summer.  99% of my work will not come to fruition, but I have to be prepared just in case THAT client, THAT day, THAT judge, will be the 1% to actually happen.  Preparing (or not) 100 cases for trials that you know won't happen, in addition to trying to keep up with motions and paperwork and program referrals and phone calls, is exhausting. 

 

Although I'm tired, I'm not unhappy.  I'm actually feeling pretty good.  I'm better off when I have a lot of work going on at once.  It keeps my energy level up.  Dating life has slowed a bit, but in a good way.  Since he's out of town, I have the chance to spend an evening by myself, and it's been so long since I've had to make time for someone else that I never realized how much alone time I need to stay sane. 

 

I'm going to put the devil's ice cream back in my freezer, get off my tuckus, and see if I can get to some laundry and mail-sorting.  That won't make my habitat anywhere close to "clean" but it's a start.  And then off to bed to get up, get to the gym, and start another workday.