Tuesday, May 30, 2006

vacation reflections

I am still unsettled.  It took me days into the vacation to relax, and even at that, my vacation was more about searching for quiet and stillness.  When sharing a beach house with other young adults, sometimes that can be a struggle.

Spending time around couples who are young, fun, in love, and leading the life I thought I wanted to be leading right now is difficult.  Seeing them together is uplifting and inspiring.  I admire them for the relationships they've cultivated.  And then when I go to bed by myself, I am emotionally tired and very much alone.

I finally realized that I still feel powerless over my own life.  I have accomplished the things that I want to accomplish, for now, as far as concrete goals go.  I went to a palm reader for fun a few weeks back and left in shock.  You had everything all planned out, she said.  You've always had life planned out.  First this, then that.  But now, the things that you planned aren't working out.  One commenter in the last post wasn't so far off.  I do want to get married, get a house, get pets.  Have kids.  That's what I had planned to be working on right now.  But right now, it's not even on the radar, and I'm at a loss as to what to do now.

I think that I've convinced myself that I'm in the right location because I have the job I want, I work with people I like, I am around close friends who are also single and are in similar positions.  Being away from my new home for a while has made me realize that I don't have much interest in going back.  If I'm going to be lonely, I might as well be lonely in a quieter and more peaceful place.  I want to have a backyard and an old pickup truck and a quiet neighborhood.  I want to be near the people I know and love, but I'm not sure I can stay where I am.  I miss seeing trees and the ocean - the actual ocean, not just a commercial harbor - I miss swimming in green lakes ringed with pine trees, where fish will nibble your toes.  I miss burying my toes in the cool green grass and the wet dirt underneath it.  I miss setting up my lawn chair and grill and making drinks and drinking beers in the sunshine.  Living in a city has its attributes, no doubt, but the things that this particular city has to offer are mostly things I do not value deeply. 
Maybe it's time for me to move my life in a direction that feels less lonely.  Or maybe, at this stage in life, that's not really how things go.

A friend asked me how I ended up where I am now.  I thought I had the answer. 


Schulte said...

You wanna move to Utah and marry into my family a la Big Love?

Sanchovilla said...

Hold your horses Schulte, you'll have to get in line. WOTL, we've got plenty of what you're looking for in California, so come on over, the weather is great and we've got plenty of room!

Oh, for the record, if a fish ever nibbled on my toes in a lake, I would scream. Scream like a little girl.

la lawyer said...

I have to disagree with Sanchovilla (depending where in CA he's talking about). I'm in CA and I'm dying to get back to the east coast. It is nice to be near the ocean though.

I can really sympathize with you, though I'm a bit in an opposite bind. I'm living near my closest friends (though not my family) and my personal life is going really well, but I find my self dissatisfied like something is missing, and I'm just not where I thought I would be. I've been wondering if it's a bit of "homesickness" just for the areas where I feel more at home. But then I've also had fantasies about chucking it all and moving to some small little town where we could live on several acres and just lead what in my head seems like a simpler life.

ptlawstudent said...

I've been lurking around for some time and have been through what you are going through now. Thought I'd try and add a cent or two.

The sad fact is that from early on, here in the US, we drive kids to follow a path. From elementary to middle/jr. high to high school to college and these days it is on to professional school (MA/MFA/JD/MD/PhD).

Drive, drive, drive!

Then when the last piece of paper is received there is no direction for the drive. You get a job and those that have followed the drive ask, what now? There is no longer that set goal. Which is true and not at the same time.

I'll second what others have mentioned in prior comments, find something you want to do, an external activity, that can still house the drive. This is also where you'll start meeting folks for dating and opening a new network of friends.

There are things you can do to create a life and enjoy your city. At least till you decide where you'd rather be and what job you'd like there. If you aren't loving your city and yearn for something else the city will grind you down. No job will make it OK.

These are just a few cents I earned through some mistakes. Now the dollar mistakes are where life really gets interesting.

Good luck to you!