Scheduled some job interviews today. Got myself pre-approved for a bar study loan (which, p.s. deducts an 11.5% disbursement fee. THEY ARE TAKING $1000 AWAY FROM ME THAT I HAVE TO PAY BACK WITH INTEREST YOU DIRTY LOAN MOTHERFUCKERS).
Spoke to an incredibly helpful individual in regards to my fellowship proposal and I started to realize what I'm getting myself into. I started to think that I don't have the financial security to embark upon this late-in-the-game adventure. And there's a chance that while it's my dream job in my head, it could backfire. Although if I'm working for myself, how bad could it possibly be? I've never been smart enough to tread softly. Inadvertently, I'm stubborn and hot-tempered enough to get what I want. It's a good thing I've chosen to use these powers for good and not evil.
When I make my life decisions, it's rarely based on pragmatism. I generally view my decisions in life as strength or weakness. I'm strong enough to embark on this; I'm weak and can't go through with this. It's not always the healthiest way to look at how I live my life, but thanks to that attitude, I've done some healthy risk-taking.
And the other day, I managed to surprise myself - the thought crept up in my mind from a different angle, and it caught me off guard. But it looks like I tricked myself into recognizing the truth. That might not change my mind, but it's always good to be self-aware.
Part of what I love about law school is the reckless abandon with which we (unknowingly) celebrate each other's company. The constant opportunities for socializing are just what this girl needs.