Turns out my client lied to me.
It was a valid defense - a critical one, actually. This case is a slam dunk conviction that has mandatory jail time with it. Since he's out on bail, a plea isn't really going to work, because the DA won't negotiate to another charge that isn't mandatory jail time.
I spent an entire day hunting down some witnesses - one was moderately helpful and the other one totally blew my client's case out of the water. Blew it out of the water, in that it became clear that my client was FULL OF SHIT. And not only that, but he almost got some innocent bystanders in felony-level trouble.
This client is not an ideal client. He couldn't care less. He never returns my phone calls, he sleeps in court, and when I ask him to step outside the courtroom with me he gets up, stretches, takes his time, yawns, steps outside, walks ever so slowly over to me, and just stares at me with this bored, "Why are you wasting my naptime?" look on his face.
I swore I would never be the type of attorney who would yell at her clients, but since I broke that resolution about, oh, three months into the job, I think this guy is getting an earful from me. I just wasted an entire day searching the ends of the Earth just to find someone (objective witnesses, nonetheless) who told me that my client made the whole thing up. That's one less day I get to spend on trying to legitimately resolve his case, or any of my other client's cases, for that matter.
On the plus side, if my client doesn't care, maybe I can stop being so nervous and frantic and all "torch the ends of the earth" about this case. I mean, think of all the uninterrupted sleep he can get in jail.