Sunday, July 20, 2008

when I'm nervous, I...

1. will loudly hum a nonsense tune to try to drone out the anxiety.  This coping mechanism is only used in certain nerve-wracking situations, and I've done it for years without really noticing that I did it.
2.  look up apartment listings in another city.  A specific city.  A city you would not consider an answer to the question, "If you were to quit your life and go somewhere else, where would you go?"  If I told you the answer, you'd probably give a short laugh and say, "Random."   This is my getaway plan.  An escape plan.  Plan B.  When I'm unhappy, I look at apartment listings and fantasize about what my life would look like there.  I derive a lot of comfort from knowing that at any time, I could end this, I could walk away from it, that I'd be strong enough to do it.  Strange thing is, I don't think that's what I want at all.  Not sure why I enjoy the fantasy so much.

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