This blog is something I've come to just poke at now and again, like a super fancy kitchen utensil that you only need for one recipe that you make twice a year. Otherwise it sits on the shelf, and I wish I had the energy or the zeal or the words to do something with it.
Maybe I will eventually. Just not lately.
Part of the reason might be because I feel driven to leave the job. Not right away. Not next month, or even in 3 months. But I need to get a feel for what's out there, because I need to leave, and the idea of leaving my job is really difficult to grasp. I thought I'd be here a long time. And I thought when I left, I'd just go to a public defender in a different part of the country. Work has been so difficult for me lately - so tedious, so not law-based, so much paperwork and scheduling and administrative bullshit that it makes me feel like my law degree has just led me to be a fucking secretary with six figure debt - that I'm losing my shit. It never even occurred to me to do anything other than public defender work - and not even as a contract attorney. When I tentatively mentioned to a friend I was considering hittin' the long dusty road, she started talking civil rights firms and big government work. No no no, I waved it off. Just PD work, not that other stuff. Why not? she asked. And then I stopped for a moment. I guess I don't know why not, other than I just never really considered it.
If I'm not a public defender, who am I?
Am I ready to leave before I feel like I ever really got started?
My mentor told me, it's times like these that you need a big win. I don't know if just one will cut it - I think I need a few really big wins to get my revved again. I feel so far gone already.