Tuesday, March 18, 2008


This blog is something I've come to just poke at now and again, like a super fancy kitchen utensil that you only need for one recipe that you make twice a year.  Otherwise it sits on the shelf, and I wish I had the energy or the zeal or the words to do something with it.
Maybe I will eventually.  Just not lately.
Part of the reason might be because I feel driven to leave the job.  Not right away.  Not next month, or even in 3 months.  But I need to get a feel for what's out there, because I need to leave, and the idea of leaving my job is really difficult to grasp.  I thought I'd be here a long time.  And I thought when I left, I'd just go to a public defender in a different part of the country.  Work has been so difficult for me lately - so tedious, so not law-based, so much paperwork and scheduling and administrative bullshit that it makes me feel like my law degree has just led me to be a fucking secretary with six figure debt - that I'm losing my shit.  It never even occurred to me to do anything other than public defender work - and not even as a contract attorney.  When I tentatively mentioned to a friend I was considering hittin' the long dusty road, she started talking civil rights firms and big government work.  No no no, I waved it off.  Just PD work, not that other stuff.  Why not? she asked.  And then I stopped for a moment.  I guess I don't know why not, other than I just never really considered it. 
If I'm not a public defender, who am I? 
Am I ready to leave before I feel like I ever really got started?
My mentor told me, it's times like these that you need a big win.  I don't know if just one will cut it - I think I need a few really big wins to get my revved again.  I feel so far gone already.


Skelly said...

Yes, been through something similar, came out the other side (after some odd detours). Came back to p.d. practice in a better place. It'll turn out okay, wherever this feeling takes you. Good luck

♥ [Curvy] ♥ said...

:-) I hear ya.

(love your blogs btw)

take care.

Dee said...

Ah I feel your pain. At least you were motivated enough to write your post. I say if you enjoy public defending you will likely continue but don't be afraid of considering a change. Lots of things are going on out there. If you don't feel comfortable talking about it at least let it play around in your mind a little bit and search for opportunities. Something could just pop up. If not keep venting. It has a role to play.