Sunday, February 24, 2008

an unfolding sense of one's place in the world

That's how my tarot card reading began and ended.  I was asking a lot of questions for one reading.  I wanted to know where I was going next, what I'd be doing next, who'd be there with me.  Will I be lonely?  Will I find someone to marry?  Will I have children?  Will I be a lawyer?  Will my life look the way I think I want it to look?
The thing I like about tarot cards, cynic that I am, is that it's not about whether they're true or not. (Although I have had some strangely accurate readings).  The tarot cards reflect back at you want you need to know.  This time it was no different.  The tarot reading didn't answer any questions about the entire unfolding of the rest of my life, just as the reading didn't tell me what to eat for breakfast.  but what the reading made clear is that I have no idea what the hell is going on.  It reflected back to me my own confusion about where I am and where I'm going.  Do I believe that tarot cards predict the future?  No.  But I think they tell you what you might already know.
I'm still searching for answers. I am pretty sure I don't have them.  I think I've identified that I'm ready to start planning some changes.  A new geographic location, and new practice.  (I like my job, I don't like my current practice.)  I have absolutely no insight was to what I want as to either location or practice.  And I haven't met anyone I want to marry, or have children with, or consider real estate with.
I'm young, but not so young to be this incapable of figuring out my place in the world.  Nothing is unfolding for me, as of yet.  I don't know if I'll go, and if I do I don't know where it will be, but I've decided that whatever this is, it requires a 2 year plan.  Two years from now I have to be living intentionally, and not so passively.  I have to be active and investing my time in something, instead of just continuously waiting for something to grab me and shake me to life.

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