victory

Victory, to a defense attorney, can have varied meanings.  Getting a max misdemeanor sentence to avoid a felony conviction and felony time can be a victory.  Getting a conviction without jail can be a victory.  Not getting deported is a victory.  Sometimes only an acquittal or dismissal is a victory.

 

This week, I had some victories.  I didn't win.  But in the end, the law prevailed. 

 

[yay!]

Kansas v. Marsh

Slate is running another dialogue between Dahlia Lithwick and Walter Dellinger regarding the Supreme Court.  They've been discussing Kansas v. Marsh, in which the Supreme Court found that it is not unconstitutional to execute someone if the mitigators equal the aggravators. 

 

I've had the pleasure of reading this opinion (please refer to previous post) and reading it along with the Breakfast Table discussion on Slate.  It's rather interesting.  Each concurring / dissenting opinion sets forth a different approach by which to examine this question.

 

One thing that struck me was a footnote in the dissenting opinion of Justice Stevens, in which he mentions that perhaps the Supreme Court should have taken into account WHO was appealing when granting cert.  It was the State of Kansas, not the defendant, who appealed the ruling of the Kansas Supreme Court (striking down the death penalty statute as unconstitutional).  If the 8th and 14th Amendments are designed to protect individuals, is that "interest entirely absent when the State is the petitioner", as Stevens claims?  Interesting way to look at it.  I don't think that avoids the fact that the U.S. Supreme Court, not the Kansas Supreme Court, is the final arbiter of federal Constitutional claims.  Otherwise, states could start claiming that the 4th Amendment requires that all warrants must be executed by clowns...  but aside from clown hypos, I find something compelling about Stevens's argument.  Emotionally or intellectually or legally compelling?  Not sure which.  But compelling nonetheless.

extra crispy.

I'm trying to follow the adage of, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all."  No one wants to hear other people whine.  You will note that my blog has been a little quieter over the past two months or so. 

 

I read a post at Audacity that moved me to share with you how I'm feeling right now. 

 

I am really, truly, actually, matter-of-factly burnt out.  Not busy; burnt out.  I yell.  I have zero patience.  I am annoyed.  I wake up in the morning and I'm no longer excited about going to work.  My anxiety level goes through the roof when I see that I have voicemails waiting for me in the morning. 

 

It took me a little bit to figure out that I was burnt out.  Once I accepted that, I started to wonder why.  I think there are several reasons.  First, I took this job because I wanted to advocate for people who would not otherwise have their voices heard.  Second, I thought I was going to be making extensive use of my trial skills.  Third, I thought I was going to be absorbing, receiving, debating, firing off law and criminal procedure from day to day.

 

The reality of my days? 

 

- No trials.  No hearings.  I spend every day begging and charming.  There is no law involved in resolving the overwhelming majority of my cases.  I smile, I kiss ass when it needs to be kissed, I beg, I plead, I cajole, I negotiate.  No 4th, 5th, 6th Amendment.  Just smiles and begging.  Please reduce the charge.  Please give him probation.  Please let her do a program instead of jail time.  No caselaw.  No statutory interpretation.  Just... begging.

 

- Please give me the discovery you didn't give me before.  Please give me the rest of the discovery.  Nope, really, I still want all that discovery that I know you have and aren't handing over.  Please stop pretending like it's ok to hand over that stuff (and still!  not even all of it) the minute before a hearing / trial when the court set a date over a month ago for final discovery.  Judge, please hold the prosecutor accountable for this.  No?  Ok thanks. 

 

- I am overwhelmed by the number of cases in which I see police misconduct.  The 4th, 5th, 6th Amendments, the exclusionary rule, giving truthful testimony under oath - I'm not so sure I've seen a lot of it in the courthouse or on the streets.  It exists in textbooks, and as far as I can see, nowhere else.

 

- Plus all the stories that I'd love to share but don't for fear of recognition / retribution.  There are plenty.

 

I am not fighting the system that crushes the lives of my clients.  I just help it run smoothly.

 

I feel like every day has become an exercise in futility. 

 

As a social worker, I felt helpless - like I had the insight and the access to create change, but not the authority to do so.  I left social work and went to law because I believed in the awe-inspiring and benevolent power of the law to create change in people's lives.  I have such great reverence for The Law - for the Bill of Rights, for Constitutional Law and Criminal Procedure.  There's something so powerful about these concepts and their evolution.  It was the intersection of sociology and the law drove me to do indigent defense.  I love my job because I get to work with actual human beings whose lives are real and important, and in theory, through advocacy, I can help protect the importance of their lives and liberty with the powerful tools of law. 

 

I feel like I've been wholly unsuccessful.  That may not be true, completely.  But right now, I feel like I haven't been able to really humanize my clients.  I haven't been able to really make their individual voice heard.  I really have not been able to use the law the way it should be used to protect the rights of individuals against invasive government intrusion.  I feel helpless and overwhelmed.  What can I do?  What is it that I, as one single, new, underfunded attorney, can do?

 

I've been so burnt out that I've withdrawn socially as well.  I don't blame my job for my social withdrawal - to be honest, I think it's my dissatisfaction with my social life that is hurting my job, and not vice versa.  But I was so overwhelmed and so distant and distracted.  I was just not present.  And it got so bad that I finally realized I was missing out on a lot of what was going on in other people's lives.  My best friend's wedding.  The pregnancies of two other friends.  Things that I want to be involved in, in which I want to play an active role, and yet I could not scrape up the energy to participate in the way I really want to.  I realized that I couldn't look back with regret on all of these things that I value so much.  So I took a time out.

 

I don't have the Ultimate Answer, but after a lot of consideration, I have finally identified several things I could try to do in order to reconnect with my life, both personally and professionally:

• I want to start volunteering with kids again.  I did it for years.  I love children, I love the trappings of childhood, and I have enough free time to dedicate myself to doing something, other than work, that is personally fulfilling to me.  I think I am going to start by reading bedtime stories to children in the hospital.
• I am going to stop being so stingy with my time.  When my caseload numbers suddenly shot up and when the cases themselves got complex, I started doing a lot of prioritizing, because I had to.  Now, I am going to let the client whose case has already been dismissed, but who keeps insisting on coming in to say hi, come in and say hi.  I will start calling clients I have not spoken to in a while, just to check in.  I will acknowledge that even the small cases are big cases.  I anticipate that a frustrating number of my clients won't have accurate contact information, and won't call me back, but this is my job, I get paid to deal with the frustration of this system, and they don't.  I can at least try. 
• I will resume reading US Supreme Court cases and state Supreme Court cases regularly, because I like to.
• I'm going to take more weekend trips to visit people who are near and dear to me. 
• I'm going to take more weekend trips to be outside and to be present in nature, in the world around me.  I'm going to get out of the city and make my way to the woods and just breathe.

I hope that these things will get me in touch with what's important to me and what brought me here.  I might not get around to reaching all of the goals on this list, but just identifying concrete steps I can take to rejuvenate myself is a good way to stop feeling helpless and hopeless.  I want to give my clients the best attorney that money could never buy.  And I want to make sure that my life, too, is fulfilling and rewarding, and that I am a good friend, sister, daughter, confidante, citizen, community member to others.

does it come with a pay raise and a fancy chair?

Over the past two months or so, I've developed a truly unbelievable caseload.  I bet all public defenders say that.  But I have the most bizarre assortment of headache-inducing, logic-defying, clients-who-I-no-longer-even-represent timesucks.  Where does the time go in a day?  I'm afraid to answer my phone or check my messages, because I'm over a week behind in returning phone calls.  I'm doing triage, putting out fires, for former and current clients, and it's hard to do when I have 20 cases scheduled per day in court.  Every case presents a new and bizarre twist, and juggling so many of them, I can hardly keep them straight.

 

I've been bemoaning my fate to all who will listen, and by listen I mean, not run away when they see me coming.  When consulting a colleague on a case that involved a former client of his, I weakly cracked an exasperated joke about the defense of absolute innocence that all of my clients seem to be invoking lately.  You know, the "every single person made up every single detail of that story," type of defense.

 

He responded cheerfully, "Don't fret.  You're going to promoted to the Innocent Defendant's Bureau soon!"

 

Ha.  The Innocent Defendant's Bureau.  I like it.

Urban lingo

It seems that we associate a certain language to crime, and I wonder how much of it is accurate. For instance, the Baltimore Sun ran several articles that made mention of how John Mohammed referred to Malvo as "son" in his cross examination. The article pointed this out as an example of how Mohammed was a father figure to Malvo and manipulated him. I don't doubt that Malvo was manipulated by a man that he considered a father figure. I disagree, however, that the term 'son' is illustrative of that fact. I find that African-American men refer to one another as such quite often - regardless of age or role.

The New York Times has been covering a trial in New York City that has been charged as a hate crime based on the use of a word: you know, the N word. The crux of the case seems to be this: is it a slang term used in a ghetto-fabulous way, or was the attack solely racially based? That is, can people of different races assault one another without it being a hate crime? If so, does the N word change that? In all cases? How can you tell?

I think that's the tricky part with hate crimes. It's hard to tell what someone's motivation is. And, if in New York City, the only evidence is the use of the N word, is that sufficient? Perhaps the jury will let us know.

vacation reflections

I am still unsettled.  It took me days into the vacation to relax, and even at that, my vacation was more about searching for quiet and stillness.  When sharing a beach house with other young adults, sometimes that can be a struggle.

Spending time around couples who are young, fun, in love, and leading the life I thought I wanted to be leading right now is difficult.  Seeing them together is uplifting and inspiring.  I admire them for the relationships they've cultivated.  And then when I go to bed by myself, I am emotionally tired and very much alone.

I finally realized that I still feel powerless over my own life.  I have accomplished the things that I want to accomplish, for now, as far as concrete goals go.  I went to a palm reader for fun a few weeks back and left in shock.  You had everything all planned out, she said.  You've always had life planned out.  First this, then that.  But now, the things that you planned aren't working out.  One commenter in the last post wasn't so far off.  I do want to get married, get a house, get pets.  Have kids.  That's what I had planned to be working on right now.  But right now, it's not even on the radar, and I'm at a loss as to what to do now.

I think that I've convinced myself that I'm in the right location because I have the job I want, I work with people I like, I am around close friends who are also single and are in similar positions.  Being away from my new home for a while has made me realize that I don't have much interest in going back.  If I'm going to be lonely, I might as well be lonely in a quieter and more peaceful place.  I want to have a backyard and an old pickup truck and a quiet neighborhood.  I want to be near the people I know and love, but I'm not sure I can stay where I am.  I miss seeing trees and the ocean - the actual ocean, not just a commercial harbor - I miss swimming in green lakes ringed with pine trees, where fish will nibble your toes.  I miss burying my toes in the cool green grass and the wet dirt underneath it.  I miss setting up my lawn chair and grill and making drinks and drinking beers in the sunshine.  Living in a city has its attributes, no doubt, but the things that this particular city has to offer are mostly things I do not value deeply. 

 

Maybe it's time for me to move my life in a direction that feels less lonely.  Or maybe, at this stage in life, that's not really how things go.

A friend asked me how I ended up where I am now.  I thought I had the answer. 

the real world sucks.

And I don't mean the MTV show.  I mean the real world.  Lowercase t, lowercase r, lowercase w. 

 

I left work at a reasonable hour and I took tomorrow off.  I have the whole night to myself.  What to do?  Hmmm.  I did a little window shopping, came home and ate dinner, made a batch of hummus [really disappointing, I have never found a good recipe], had a beer, checked the blogs, and now here it is.  7:30 pm.  I'm watching the first episode of Friends and guess what?  Aniston TOTALLY got a nose job somewhere along the way. 

 

So what am I supposed to do the rest of the night?  I could clear out the laundry room.  That's a task and a half.  I could finish unpacking my room and prep it for this weekend's painting.  I could watch TV all night, again. 

 

I'm bored, and lonely.  I get up in the morning, go to the gym, go to work, come home, make dinner, watch TV, go to bed.  Every once in a while, some weekend plans turn up.  I mostly feel like I'm going through the motions, the routine, but I have no purpose.  This is not as much fun as my mid-twenties were supposed to be.

 

How am I supposed to occupy my time for the next, oh, 30 years?

answers.

People enter some pretty interesting questions that get them to this site. I think it's my job to give people some answers. Addressing specific inquiries I've received recently, I give you... ANSWERS.

You're pretty.

I think he's perfectly comfortable with me, despite the fact that I might not be able to feel him, but I have to ask: what's he doing wrapped around me anyway? [ok, that was a question, but this person actually made a statement and didn't ask a question. so this is like jeopardy.]

It's illegal.

Probably because you're beating her when you give her these 'instructions.'

Pantyhose judo is the answer.

An excellent hobby.

Well, they have a wedding ring, and beyond that frankly you shouldn't be inquiring.

Clearly you're a mailman.

locked down

1,000 Incarcerated Per Week 04-05

From the article:
"The jail population is increasingly unconvicted," Beck said. "Judges are perhaps more reluctant to release people pretrial."
The report by the Justice Department agency found that 62 percent of people in jails have not been convicted, meaning many of them are awaiting trial.
The racial makeup of inmates changed little in recent years, Beck said. In the 25-29 age group, an estimated 11.9 percent of black men were in prison or jails, compared with 3.9 percent of Hispanic males and 1.7 percent of white males.

false confession

The New York Times has an article on an inmate who is being freed after DNA tests concluded that he falsely confessed to the crime.

 

It is interesting to note that all courts denied the defendant's applications for DNA testing.  The reasoning was that the defendant knew too much about the details of the crime to be innocent.  Even though the DA opposed the testing, the DA then ran the tests on their own and discovered that indeed, the defendant was not the killer.

 

How could someone who knew so much be innocent?  Mr. Warney says that the cops fed him the information as they interrogated him.  I can't believe anyone is surprised.  Mr. Warney knew all the details because the cops gave it to him.  That's what convicted him, and that's what kept him behind bars, wrongfully, for years.  And that's why the courts continuously denied Mr. Warney's application for relief.  And if the DA hadn't had some change of heart (or a confession by another person) then Mr. Warney would continue to be a wrongfully convicted killer.  Mr Warney was expected to die in jail because of his fragile health.  Thank goodness something happened before the legal system killed him.

falling off the wagon

After weeks of struggling to maintain my dignity, and somewhat succeeding, I had what I thought was a moment of strength and I emailed The Ouster. It was just small talk - i heard a song by his favorite group, which I hadn't heard before, and was totally caught off guard by it. I wrote the email, made small talk about music and other things, and sent it with a sense of finality. Now I'll know, I thought. He won't respond, and no more strings.

Except he responded.

And then I responded. ("WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT EMAIL HIM BACK" this same friend told me. I told her that she and I both knew I was going to ignore her very wise advice.)

And then he emailed back and asked me if I wanted to get together this Saturday.

Of course, I really want to see him again. I also still have very strong reservations about embarking on date #3 that looks a lot like dates #1 and #2. That is, a date that looks like drunkenly making out at the bar and / or getting booted after he's decided he's had his fun. I won't be able to see him this weekend because I already had something [really lame] to do and couldn't break plans. Not that I would for him anyway. So when I emailed him back, I let him know that this weekend was bad but asked him about next weekend. He hasn't bothered to respond. Now I have to wait.

I also caved and met up with Tenacious D last night. It was immediately disappointing and mostly a mistake. He's a good person, but still hasn't actually taken me out on a date despite all my pleading, and when I try to talk to him about why it's disappointing that he hasn't so much as asked me out in the past two months, he tells me it's because I'm always busy and out with other people. I don't like being told that it's my fault, but I can see that he must feel that he's giving me space that he wishes he didn't have to give me. Last night was awkward and I couldn't even stand to kiss him because I realized that it was really and truly done.

I was doing so well for a while there! 3 or 4 whole weeks... then, crash! kapow! Back to the same bad habits.

Moussaoui sentenced to life in prison

MIRABELLI IS BACK!!!

on being a public defender: to plead or not to plead?

It's not an uncommon dilemma.  Nonetheless, it haunts and perplexes your typical public defender.  What should you advise your client to do?  Take the plea or not?

 

I have two cases that are troubling me.  In one case I have been actively pursuing an alternate sentence.  My client has been in on bail for two months.  It is his first offense.  At first, the district attorney's 'offer' was a guilty plea and 6 months jail.  Then it was a guilty plea and 8 months jail.  It is clear from the nature of the charge that my client needs rehab.  I tussled with the DA over whether it should be residential and finally the DA and the court agreed (for logistical reasons) that an intensive outpatient program would be fine.  So my office has been working to get some community resources together to help my client get his life back on track - with employment, housing, treatment, and continued support.  Once this program is in place, my client can plead guilty and get out of jail, with the agreed sentence being whatever program is put together.  This case has taken a lot of time and energy, and I was well on my way to resolving this case when an attorney asked me harshly, "Why are you giving him a criminal conviction on a first arrest?" 

 

I don't know if I have a good answer.  I had asked the DA to consider an alternate disposition to try to avoid giving my client a criminal record, but my request was flatly refused.  That was back when we were looking at months in jail.  Suddenly I wonder if I'm wrong, and I've been working the case in the wrong direction the whole time.  Maybe he should go to trial instead - even if convicted after trial, the sentence would either be a similar drug program or jail time that my client would probably have already completed by that point.  But it would certainly mean that he wouldn't be getting out for another few months, at least.  And the facts / evidence pretty much points to "conviction."

 

My other case is also a first arrest.  If she agrees to pay restitution, she will avoid a conviction.  It's a good deal.  My client insists that she didn't do anything, and is angry that she was even arrested in the first place.  She believes that this is a vengeance issue, but after I did some investigation and advised her that she doesn't really have a good defense, and that the District Attorney seems to have a pretty solid case, she said "If that's what I have to do then I'll do it."  Should I tell her to just pay the money and be done with it?  Pay it, get no conviction, move on with your life?  If she really didn't do anything and this was just vengeance, then this won't be the end of the issues, I can imagine.  I just don't know what to tell her.

despite the fact that my 2nd iPod just crapped out

iTunes does not have the Local H version of "Toxic," which I love. I don't want to have to get online to listen to it when I need my fix.

Who can help me out?

thank you and good night.

Thanks for your kind words on my last post.  I should close comments on posts like that because it actually makes me feel crappy when people write and say, "Cheer up!" or "You're great!" or "You're so pretty!"  I don't want people to think I'm fishing for compliments.  I just occasionally write something to share with you what goes on in my head.  Now you know.  As an aside, I don't think any of those things I reported below are unique to me.  I think lots and lots of smart, attractive, confident, fun, capable young women feel this way.  Some days are better than others.

 

This week has been an interesting week.  At least half a dozen times this week I've thought, "I can't believe I get paid to do this!"  I am deliriously happy in this job.  There are good days and there are bad days.  But I know I'm in the right job when I'm thankful to get a paycheck for it, because I'd do it without a paycheck if I had to.  (You know, if I were independently wealthy and jobs like this didn't pay... then yeah, I'd totally do it anyway).  I have a few really interesting cases with interesting legal issues and interesting clients.  And I LOVE that this is all mine.  The clients are mine, the motions are mine, the strategy is mine.  I marvel at the fact that I get money in my bank account twice a MONTH instead of twice a YEAR and I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO PAY IT BACK!

 

This job rocks.  I hope you love your job as much as I love mine.

 

There will be an end to my navel-gazing at some point.  I'll write something substantive one day.

 

(But ooooh, I must look good today, because I've had two marriage proposals from strangers.  It's been a while!)

like, seriously.

I've started to notice that I'm filled with an astonishing amount of self-loathing. This is not something I'd like to process on el bloggo. Well, of course it is. But then I'm disgusted with myself for being one of those people who writes inarticulately about her life ["like, ohmygod, I totally like this boy but he doesn't like me back" and "I'm like, just so hard on myself and like, my therapist says I should love me more? and love me for who I am? and like, that is so deep."] In the same way that I'll actually 'practice law' for about an hour and then spend at least an hour hating myself for being dumb. Another example: Sometimes I like to write, but know that I'm terrible at it, and end up feeling incredibly stupid and childish after I try. I also hate just about every part of my body for an independent reason. I didn't realize this until today when a friend of mine, exasperated at my matter-of-fact explanation as to why I need plastic surgery on my gut, finally said to me: "You seem to be fixated on flaws that don't actually exist." Then she listed all of the ones that I've discussed with her. I was embarrassed. I'm still pretty sure they exist, but I suppose I'll go back to secretly loathing them. Then this same friend, a few moments later, also caught me off guard by calling me out on something else I didn't quite realize about myself: I believe that I am virtually undateable. I do believe that there is little chance in me finding someone who would love someone as flawed as I am. And there, now I've gone and said all of those things that I said I wouldn't say in the beginning of the paragraph and whoa buddy, I'm going to end up deleting this later.

They don't love you like I love you.

For those of you who might not have noticed, I rarely update my blogroll - as a matter of fact, there are many blogs I read daily that I do not have on my blogroll. However, there is a new addition that must be acknowledged:

IAN BROWNE HAS A BLOG!!

Ian Browne writes for RedSox.com. No one adores Ian Browne more than I do. NO ONE. Welcome to the world of blogging, Mr. Browne. Glad to have you with us! Love the blog!

"spark"

I've been doing a lot of dating recently. I thought that getting to a point in my life where I was actually dating would be fulfilling. That's not actually true. What I did not realize is that, from a statistical / probability standpoint, it is more likely than not that the date will be less enjoyable than a night of "What Not To Wear" on the couch with the dog and a pint of ice cream.

I recently went on a date with a guy who was nice.

He was nice. And he didn't pay for dinner.

But above all, there was no "spark." I don't feel inclined to kiss him, or want him to kiss me. At what point does the existence or absence of "spark" become a dealbreaker? I am trying to decide, if he asks, whether I'll go on a second date. Should I give it one more try? Should I cut my losses early? Should it be more than that one factor in deciding whether or not to do a second date?

thinking

I wonder how other people perceive me. I need to examine this more closely - in general, and in regards to my dating life.

There are certain types of girls / women who make me incredibly insecure in the dating world. What is it about them and why does it stab at my insecurity?

What do other people think of me? How do I come off? How do I make others feel when I interact with them? What does it take to click with me? What about other people draws out certain characteristics in me?

I asked a friend about how people perceive me and I was surprised with what I heard.

I'm taking a small break. I am going to relax, chill out, unplug, make plans with people I have not seen in quite a while. After a few days of that, I hope to feel clear and refreshed. And less bruised.