it's not you, it's me.

Tom asks, "When's the last time you were someone's girlfriend?"

 

Seven or eight years ago.  No joke.  Not since college.  Don't get me wrong - if I had my choice, I'd have a boyfriend.  But I haven't met anyone who I wanted to be my boyfriend, and even if I had, I doubt he'd want me to be his girlfriend.  I've become so accustomed to being by myself that I'm not sure how to include someone else in my life now.  Give me 2 more years and I'll officially be a spinster.  Not because I'll be too old, but just because I'll be totally incapable of forming intimate relationships.

 

In the beginning, Frontrunner mentioned that he was just getting out of a long relationship and wasn't looking to jump into another.  He said he tends to be in long relationships (5+ years).  I told him I have a 3 date maximum.  It's true.  So for the time that we've been dating, Frontrunner has teased me about this 3 date rule and has been determined to break it.  We don't count the times we've spent hanging out with groups (which is many) and we don't count the times that we sat on the couch and watched TV.  So by that count, we've been on 2.5 or 3 dates.  (Once we had dinner and drinks, then met up with a group.  Does that count as 1/2 or 1?)  And sure enough, I've hit the wall. 

 

I feared we'd run out of things to talk about, and I feared that's what would lead to the eventual demise, and I think that point has arrived.  I like him.  I think he's sweet.  I'm attracted to him.  But I don't feel interested. 

 

I'm not ready to walk away from this yet, because he's a pretty great guy, and I'm an idiot. 

Supreme Court Conversations

Dahlia Lithwick and Walter Dellinger have a fascinating "breakfast table" conversation happening over at Slate.  They have it every year, and this year does not disappoint.

neurosis

Sancho asks, How are things going with Frontrunner?  The one word answer is, Terrific.

 

But I'm not very good at being in relationships.  This is a bit of an Insta-Relationship, which is not what I wanted.  From the start he's made it clear that he's not dating anyone else, that he doesn't want to date anyone else, that he wants to spend a lot of time with me, that he totally and utterly adores me.  The good thing about that is that I never have the opportunity to feel insecure.  The bad thing about this is that I've fallen into the trap of letting this happen - talking to him every day, seeing him as often as we can manage.  While I'm with him, I enjoy it.  I like being around him and we have fun and we have good chemistry.  Then I can't stand it anymore.  I feel smothered, I feel like I need space, I feel like it's too much too fast.  I'm not ready to be anyone's girlfriend.  I'm not ready to move my life around for someone else yet.  When you make too many accomodations, that means you incur a greater loss at the inevitable end.  I like him a lot.  I'm not ready to say that I'm in for the long haul.  We don't know each other well enough yet.  I'm afraid to invest too much because it hurts to unravel it all at the end. 

 

Despite my [reasonable] concerns, I'm letting myself get swept up.  I haven't been able to set the boundaries that I probably should have and so, when he doesn't call I call him.  When he says, We can hang out whenever you're free, I take full advantage of every free moment I have to see him.  I hate that I'm so weak.

exhausted

Work is very very hard today.  And it's only lunchtime.

 

Someone else please take over?  I need to go home and curl up under the covers for a while.  I am long overdue for a mental health day.

frontrunner

I'm down to one, and I think it's for the best.  I don't think the remaining one is destined to last very long either, but I appreciate having the opportunity to figure that out without fear of getting busted.  I don't have regrets about letting the other off the hook, although of course I feel bad about it because he is a really good guy.

 

One of the problems with the remaining one is that he seems to be a serial monogamist.  Generally that's a great characteristic - but I fear that this has become an Insta-Relationship, which is not what I want.  I don't want to be in the habit of seeing someone or talking to them constantly, incorporating them into my life, before really knowing if this is a good fit or not.  He does not seem to have the same reservations.  I like his audacity: he's clear that he's really interested in me, he is very affectionate, he really wants to introduce me to the people who are important to him.  In my opinion, it's too much too fast - at the same time I think, well hell, what's the harm?  He is aware of my three date maximum.  When he first referred to my 'three date rule' I thought he was, ahem, referring to something else.  What he was referring to was the fact that I have not been on more than 3 dates with someone in the past x years.  (He brought it up, this isn't something I'd volunteer or even care to discuss). 

 

We'll see where this goes.  He's a nice guy, very fun, and kind-hearted.  I don't think we'll ever make it out of the small-talk and makeout stage, but it seems like it will be fun for whatever it ends up being.

this sucks

I like spending time with him but then feel guilty about the other.  And so it goes, back and forth. 

fallacy of numbers

The LA Times has an interesting short piece on DNA evidence and the stats used to support / oppose DNA exonerations.  (From How Appealing). 

This is where you have to tell me what I already kind of know.

I am interested in two guys, both of whom I believe are interested in me.  I have kissed both of them, on different occasions.  They are acquaintances who see each other regularly, but I don't believe they are friends independently.  The friend that they have in common is the friend that introduced me to both of them.  To put it differently, they see each other at the same functions that I would see them.  Given my dating history, I won't have more than two dates with either of them before something goes horribly awry.  So you have to tell me, Can I try dating both of them?  Just to see how it goes?  Because unless you stop me, I'll probably try to, with inevitably disastrous results.

 

Apropos of nothing, I'm watching one of my favorite artists, Stevie Ray Vaughan, on PBS and boy, howdy - watching him perform makes me feel warm and lightheaded.  Can you believe it's been 20 years?  I can't believe it's been that long... SRV, your music is still alive!

something in the water?

Like, truth serum?  Over the past 3 months I have had an extraordinarily high percentage of clients go to the DA's office, the police precinct, and the court - without telling me - trying to demand that their side of the story be heard, making statements about their case and demanding that the other parties involved be arrested, making statements about their case and demanding that their case get dismissed, making statements about their case and asking for legal advice from the police and from court officers.  I have never seen anything like it.  I need to add a line to my business card, I think, saying "Do not speak to anyone other than me regarding this incident or this case.  No, really.  I mean it."

 

It's happened in the past, but has been rare.  The past few months, I'm discovering that every other client is writing out a statement, both incriminating and exculpatory, AFTER they've been assigned an attorney!  It's driven me to drink.  Right now. 

 

Reminds me of one of my favorite slogans:  "You have the right to remain silent.  USE IT."

No Hilton for Paris.

Paris is back in jail, for a full 45 days.

 

You've never seen a more satisfied bunch of public defenders as we were when this news broke.  We were outraged when Paris left early, knowing full well that any medical condition of our clients (cancer, kidney / liver failure, acute psychosis, TB, HIV, broken ribs / jaws / arms / legs) would never get them sympathy or early release.  I don't wish jail upon anyone, but any one of my clients would have gotten a 45 day sentence for violating every term of their release repeatedly - and race or class should not influence that.

Today's News.

The Boston Globe reports on a medical malpractice case in which the defendant was confronted on the stand by his own blog.  The case settled the next day.

 

Oral dissents give Justice Ginsburg a new voice on the court

 

NYPD does outreach to immigrants

Come to us with your problems, they say.  Trust us.  This irks me to no end.  Organizing a meeting of illegal citizens with Homeland Security is a Bad Idea.  Encouraging the very communities that have their civil liberties violated DAILY to work with the police just raises my hackles.  Despite my distrust for officers, I can respect the concept of informing undocumented residents that they can go to the police to report crimes, without fearing their immigration status will come up.  (Unfortunately, that is not true in all states, particularly the states who are deputizing their troopers as Homeland Security agents.)  But I don't like the idea that citizens should be encouraged to regard police as general problem solvers - because they aren't.  Police arrest people.  That's their 'problem solving.'  They won't help you with your immigration papers (or at least, they shouldn't be.  They are NOT LAWYERS!)  They don't get your family member / friend / significant other into counseling or into drug programs when you call them (another widely held misconception).  And people should not be encouraged to trust police officers to search them without cause - because police are roaming the streets, illegally shaking people down, lying about how / why they found the contraband / evidence, and walking back out of the courtroom to do it again.

attention!

Aforementioned male:

 

You kissed me.  That made me all warm and fuzzy.  And I pretty much haven't heard from you since.  This makes me cold and angry.  Listen dude, I was minding my own business when you came by and started distracting me.  You can't now just leave me to continue on my mundane life.  I'd rather not be interrupted in the first place.

I'm not complaining, but still...

For over a decade, I've strongly held the belief that if I weren't overweight, then I'd be knee-deep in boyfriends.  My weight has always been a source of consternation, followed by my secret dislike for my teeth, my nose, my hair, my eyes, my eyebrows, my feet, and my sadly shaped tuckus.  Thusly, when a member of the opposite sex shows interest in me, my first instinct is to think, "Thank goodness there is at least one person in this world that thinks I'm not a complete and total reject.  There may be hope after all."  Only after that brief respite do I start thinking about rational things like, Do I like this guy or not?  Does he like me or did he just want to get a closer look at the rack?

 

So from this place, you can imagine that I'm both delighted and very uncomfortable with the fact that not once, but twice this week I had the same two men fighting for my attention.

 

I'm bewildered.  It's not comfortable to be wedged between two men competing for your affection.  I like them both.  I'd be interested in seeing both of them again at some point.  Just preferably not in the same place at the same time.

delinquent.

If there are any readers left out there, well, color me surprised.  I haven't been too good with our communication recently, I know.  Things just get crazy sometimes.  I'm starting to accept that my life does not look like a Honda parked in the driveway of a 3 BR home with a backyard and a grill.  I'm envious of those lives, but it's not mine right now.  I've now embraced the fact that my life is work, work, gym, drink, drink, kiss, sleep, gym, work, drink drink drink.  Not necessarily always in that order. 

 

I've been out of town a lot lately, too.  As a matter of fact, since March, I've only been in town one weekend that I was not working.  This has resulted in me crashing pretty hard over the past few days - I feel like I can barely keep my eyes open after lunch, or after work, or after dinner.  That didn't stop me from drinking 2 out of the past 3 nights, however.  Aren't you proud?

 

This weekend is promising.  I'm in town, no plans to do any work, my roomies will be gone, the weather will be nice.  I should do spring cleaning, but I'll probably just watch a lot of the Food Network or sun myself in the grass.  But mostly I will just sleep, and I will love it.

another false confession

Exonerated by DNA evidence

 

Despair.

It's been a long time since I've cried at work, which is great!  And is attributable to several recent changes.  But today almost broke that streak - almost. 

 

I had a moment that shot right through the routine of my day, right through my professional wall, that grabbed me and pulled me under into the depths of despair and it left me unarmed for the remainder of the day.

 

Yesterday was a hard day.  It was very busy and very, very, very long.  Towards the end, there were a lot of cases that were the perfect storm - domestic cases, clients with prior records, weapons, blood.  Cases that clients explained indignantly as, "It was a verbal argument" followed by "I haven't caught ANY cases in YEARS" (6 months ago = Years?) "I haven't caught a felony in a LONG time man, someone should be respectin' me for that!"  I'm sorry, you have 15 convictions.  I want to tell you that you're a good person for not picking up a felony in the past 8 months.  I do think that is very good, and I commend you.  However, I have to focus on what the judge wants to focus on, not whether you deserve a gold star.  But hey, no felony!  Bonus!  You're right, the reason you aren't getting out is because I didn't fight for you.  I mean, but for me, you totally would've walked.  Why did you tell me it was a verbal argument if there was blood found all over the hallway to the door?  That would've been good to know before we walked out here, really.

 

In the middle of a day of these tiring and ineffective conversations, one client asked very directly, "Am I getting out?  Because I need an xray of my chest."

 

And then I died a little bit inside.

 

The idea that there are people being roughed around by "the law" and thrown to the ground, knees in their back, in a chokehold, tossed over the hood of a car - the very behavior being condemned when someone not in uniform does it - just drives me insane.  This guy was banged up, and he was in pain, and I couldn't do a damn thing for him.  Nothing.  The cops will never be accountable for it, because my guy's just a criminal to them.  I can't stop them from doing it to him again, which they will.  All I can do is say, "I'm sure there's excellent medical care in the county jail" if I'm lying or, "I'll see what I can do" if I can't bring myself to tell the truth.  I want to hold his hand and say, "I'm so sorry for your pain and injuries.  We'll get you through this."  But I can't bring myself to make empty promises, either.

 

So you think your public defender doesn't fight for you, doesn't care about you, doesn't want to beat the system.  You are wrong.  Your public defender fights for you until she's broken and scarred, cares for you and wants you to be successful, and rages against the system more than you know.  And when your public defender goes home at night, she cries for you.

torn

I got not one, but TWO wedding announcements today.  On top of the three weddings I'm attending this wedding season.  I had a great night being single and drunk though, despite the fact that everyone else is paired up and sober.

 

Single drunkards, rock on.

I have no shame

Today I had a 'first' in my professional career.

 

There is a critical witness who can completely exonerate my client.  I don't have detailed contact information on him, but I have a ballpark estimate.  So I put my card on the door of every. single. door. in the area.  And then posted a ghetto-ass scribbled note where everyone in that area has to walk by to see it, asking for witnesses to call my #.

 

It's a bit embarrassing, the method, but if it works then it's worth it, and if it doesn't work then at least I know I did all I could, and didn't let shame get in the way.

 

 

theme song(s)

If I had to pick one song in general, it would be "Hard Luck Story" by Whiskeytown.  The tagline of my blog heading is actually a line from that song.  It's a fun song.

 

If I had to pick a song that played every time I walked into a courtroom, it would be "P I M P" by 50 Cent.

 

If I had to pick a song that played over the closing scene of my work day, it would be "The World Spins Madly On" by The Weepies.

 

If I had to pick a song that played as I walked down the city streets on a night out, it would be "Dancin' With Myself."

6 yr old felon

Slate has this article on a 6 yr old kid who was ARRESTED and CHARGED WITH A FELONY for having a tantrum in class.  And even better, as far as I know, the charges have not been dropped.  If you look at the document, the kid was actually, really and truly, put in jail. 

 

It seems absurd and out of the ordinary, but childhood has been criminalized everywhere, everyday.  I cannot even begin to count how many times I've represented an adolescent sibling because their younger brother or sister called the police, saying they got in a fight.  And this isn't any unusual fight, where there were knives or anything involved.  Nope.  Just regular old arguing, sometimes some wrestling or pushing, and sometimes taking the other's property.  And the cops actually arrest people for that, and the DA never ever ever dismisses those cases.  It is happening all the time and no one seems to see how completely fucking absurd it is.  The judge issues orders of protection so the kid can't go home, the DA won't dismiss the case so the kid has to take a plea, and the cops are happy to arrest 16 yr old girls for pushing her 11 year old brother after he broke her cell phone.

 

NO ONE IN THE COURT THINKS THIS IS SILLY!  THIS IS FUCKING OUTRAGEOUS!  I only wish I could say it was unusual.  Unfortunately, the police and the courts are happy to criminalize this behavior.  I only wish you knew how often this happened. 

 

And to the school officials?  Shame on you.  You should not be in childhood education.