Woman of the Law

Big day at the Supreme Court today

2010-10-06T08:27:00.001-05:00

two hot button cases - can defendants sue when prosecutors intentionally hide evidence for the purpose of securing a conviction against an innocent man? and what limits does the First Amendment place on these horrid people from Kansas who protest at military funerals?

Wish I were still in law school and could watch some liveblogging. But I'll be in court doing a crossword waiting for my case and watching the wheels of justice turn ever so slowly.

can't do a love song like the way it's meant to be

2010-09-26T19:44:00.002-05:00

I took a long break, but I think I'm interested in dating again. Only, I'm not really interested in dating itself. I have a renewed interest in just going about my life merrily and bam! meeting the love of my life in some wonderful happenstance. Since that's happened all of never times in my life I recognize how completely unrealistic such an idea is.

I recently met an amazing couple who have been married for several years. I enjoyed speaking to both of them very much. I asked how they met, and they told me they met via internet dating, and while it wasn't love at first sight, it was like at first sight. I hate internet dating. I did it years ago and it was a complete failure. I don't think there's any way to figure out via internet whether this person is someone you would like in real life. I met a guy who liked baseball and the same TV shows as me and being in the same room with him was painful. I met another guy who was in med school and was really nice and yet there was nothing about him that made me want to ask a follow-up question.

After speaking with this wonderful couple I met, I went onto the internet service they used and put up a profile. A picture, some basic facts. I got one note from a potential suitor and when I read it, my mind immediately fast-forwarded to the boring and disappointing personal interaction we were destined to have. It started just like all the others. I know this place. I've been here before. I didn't respond and instead immediately cancelled my account without responding. I just can't do it again. I have dating PTDD. post-traumatic dating disappointment.

A friend encouraged me to 'just get out there' and meet people. I do tend to be a homebody, so going out more than once a week is remarkable for me. But as my friend said, "This is a numbers game" and he's right. I've tried that approach before though, just dating anyone who asked or who was willing, and that's how I ended up going on a string of completely unsuccessful and unrewarding dates arranged via internet. The problem as I see it, is that there is no built-in social network to meet new interesting people at my age. Maybe years ago, this social network was "The Bar" but come on now, that's for young'uns. see also, I'm kind of a homebody, id. I've met many friends of my own friends, and they are all coupled up already. I long for the days of dating excitement, when going to the movies in groups was the height of the dating & social scene. In youth there are endless opportunities. The territory is uncharted - the trails of hand-holding and kissing and lengthy making out with all your clothes on were trails yet to blazed. I'm in my early 30s - those trails done been blazed already. Now it's like walking a worn path through the grass - go out, make small talk, perhaps disinterestedly permit kissing to occur, then go home and wish I had spent the night in my pjs watching Inspector Gadget episodes on Netflix Instant Play [this is truth - check it out!] OR - go out, get a little tipsy, make out with either 1. random guy at the bar or 2. guy you are friends with and are only making out with because y'all are drunk and in the same place and no one else is available. In either situation it turns into dodging the inevitable persistent guy attempts to get you to home, either his or yours, and trying to duck all that pawing and unwanted approach towards ahem, the final frontier, and then you just wish you had stayed home in your pjs watching Fraggle Rock on Netflix [also true]. Sigh.

It's all so tiring.

I long for that interest in someone - an interest that garnered excitement at seeing them or talking to them again. I think the excitement departed somewhere back there along with the hope. I rarely meet or start speaking to a guy and think, 'Now this is someone I want to talk to again' - or even better, 'I would really like him to just kiss me once, right now, and then go back to talking about all these wonderful things we have to talk about.' I rarely meet guys, period, without concurrently meeting their female companions. I wonder where all that excitement went. Is it that our social patterns have developed in a way that have left us devoid of anything interesting to talk about? Are we too worn down by work or general life responsibilities to have that inner shining light that attracts people to us? I don't feel that inner light anymore. I do think that's really what the whole "you can't love someone else until you love yourself" thing is getting at - if you are happy and interesting, then that will attract happy and interesting people. But um, we're all pretty boring, aren't we? This is the first thing I'm trying to work on - remember what I loved about life before the job became my life. To crib from Fever Pitch, I may love the job but has the job ever loved me back? I need something other than just being a public defender to make me a whole and happy person. I'm still working on figuring out what that might be. Most of my free time is spent doing solitary activities - watching shows on Netflix, cooking, reluctantly getting to the gym occasionally. I can't really think of a way that I would enjoy translating those things into social activities on a regular basis. But anyway, I think the key to future relationship happiness might be to stop being so lost. I've tried that for about a decade and it hasn't worked out but I'll keep working on it.

I did once have the perfect date. Only it wasn't a date. I had a boyfriend and he was a womanizer. That evening is worth its own post, but I look back fondly on that event often and think, "That's how it's supposed to happen." I saw him once about a year after that, in a group setting, and I was hoping he'd come up to me and recall that night, or want to pick up where that left off. Not only did we not acknowledge each other, but I don't even think he remembered me, and I think he may have had a girlfriend there. So tragic. In the most appropriate words of Dire Straits, when you gonna realize it was just that the time was wrong?

So I'm trying to find that hope inside to extend. For now, just hope that there will be a date that is fun and interesting. And maybe there's something even better than that out there, eventually.

someday

2010-08-19T22:47:00.001-05:00

i'll talk to that guy who wheels around that upright bass in the soft case, listening to his iPod. I want to know where he's coming from and what he does, whether the bass is his living or his love, or both, and how.

keeping a straight face

2010-06-25T10:21:00.000-05:00

[nota bene: legal analysis is oversimplified for the purposes of this story]

In the jurisdictions in which I practice, there are loitering statutes that are very stringently enforced. I think it's a broken-window type thing, where they don't want riff-raff hanging around in "high-crime areas", being up to no good, but it also gives the police a reason to search and arrest people who are literally doing nothing - suddenly doing nothing is not only reasonable suspicion, but also a crime. Often people have a valid explanation for their presence which results in inadvertent burden-shifting - defendant has to prove that in fact he was not committing a crime because he was [talking with a friend he ran into outside the store, waiting for a ride, etc]. Generally on these types of cases, we as defense attorneys try to elicit and verify as many of these facts as possible.

As I was going over one of these cases recently with a client, I was reading to him the 3 different [quite amusing, but not to be divulged here] reasons he provided to the police when they stopped him.

Client: Naw, that's not what I said.

WOTL: Ok, so what were you doing at about that time on that date?

Client: I was meeting a guy to haul trash for him. They were doing some construction in the building and he was going to give me a few bucks to clear out the basement.

WOTL: This guy lives in the building?

Client: Yeah.

WOTL: Apartment number? Floor?

Client: Uhhhhh, 5 East.

WOTL: 5 East? You're sure?

Client: yeah.

WOTL: The police said you told them 4 North first, then 3 West.

Client: No, no, no. It's 5 East. I'm positive.

WOTL: Okay, what's the guy's name?

Client: Um, Donovan. Donovan McNabb.

WOTL: ................ [slowly] the guy you were doing work for is... Donovan... McNabb?

Client: [exasperated by his attorney's sheer stupidity] I told you, he asked me to haul the trash out! That's why I was there!

CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE

Do you:

1. Share this with on the record in an attempt to show the judge how clearly misguided and false the allegations are against your client, while trying not to giggle?

2. Send out an investigator to immediately find this witness, assuming that there must be many, many Donovan McNabbs in the world and that the name is mere coincidence, and not a bold-faced lie?

3. Gently suggest that perhaps community service would be the quickest way to put this case to rest?

And of course, if you're a public defender, the answer is: all of the above. Yeah, I sent my investigator out, and yeah, couldn't find Donovan McNabb, and yeah, I fought on the record for my client with mostly-feigned righteous indignation while sharing that story and yeah, no one believed it for a second and yeah, my client resolved the case with community service.

Judges can get really fired up when you argue these things on the record, and then they start cross-examining you as though YOU were the one who came up with that brilliant nugget. I love that part of my job is standing there defending this with a straight face. Yup. Donovan McNabb. That's my story. Stickin' to it.

politicking

2010-06-08T18:55:00.001-05:00

I am going to start by saying: I voted third party in the last election, and will probably continue to do so as I do not feel particularly strongly affiliated with the current political parties. So I was disgruntled before it was cool to be disgruntled. I exude a pretty sincere form of surly, and my attitude towards politics is consistent with that.

Now you know. And now I opine the following:

Obama is not a socialist. And unless I'm missing a huge piece of this legislation wherein the government announced it is taking my paycheck and instead paying me in labor credits, the health care bill is not an indication of socialism. At least, it's not any more socialist than TANF or Social Security or Medicare. I feel compelled to announce my opinion on this matter because I recently had a conversation with young, very smart, incredibly well-educated people who announced that Obama is a socialist, and gave the health care bill as an example. I thought this was an accusation lobbed mostly by sensationalist political media folks, because that's what they do. But when I discovered that people I regard as smart, good people were saying such things, well, it somehow validated this as an opinion that real people hold, and I felt compelled to respond, because I have an opinion too.

Stating that someone is a socialist puts a label on a person that just makes everything categorically BAD, therefore making it impossible to argue any actual merit. I wonder how we came to accept such firmly entrenched notions that socialism and communism are bad. You cannot be a government employee if you are a Communist. CANNOT. PROHIBITED. I am neither a socialist nor a communist; I have pretty strong libertarian leanings - but I balk at the categorization of other people's political beliefs as being "bad" or "prohibited." So by labeling this bill, or the President's support for it, as a "socialist" act, all that gets us is a label that it is "bad," without ever getting to what about the bill makes it bad. Or socialist. If the health care bill nationalized health care, in the sense that all medical providers were now declared government employees, and all hospitals became federally owned, etc... well that sounds like socialism, at least as I understand socialism.

But ok, there are different forms of socialism, and maybe what we don't like is the manner in which government has regulated health care now, and maybe that's socialist. I can almost accept that belief, except that government regulates a lot of industries. So what about this health care bill crosses the line from regulation, which Congress is doing every day in many areas of commerce, into socialism?

I actually care very little about the answers to these questions. My point is, the fact that you disagree with the health care bill does not = socialism. It's just name-calling. Name-calling avoids intelligent discussions about potential valid disagreements. I like intelligent discussions about valid disagreements because I have learned the most from them, and also have found them to be persuasive. When I hear a person whom I respect opine in a way that sounds logical, that challenges me to opine in an equally logical manner, and it challenges me to think about why I disagree with such logic, and whether I should. So what I hope and expect from my smart and well-educated peers is just that you can tell me why you disagree with the health care bill, and not just throw around bad names for it. Especially since I think it's a silly (as in unintelligent) premise that "socialist" is an insult.

up next: why BP is not "Obama's Katrina." [I started writing on this, but the Glee season finale is coming on soon. so maybe tomorrow I'll finish that thought...]

no hollow promise that life would reward you

2010-04-28T18:52:00.001-05:00

Not Guilty posted a letter written to her from a colleague. It's a letter of tough love. Toughen up, it advises. Being a public defender isn't gracious, doesn't earn anyone's respect. To continue to do this job and be good at it, you can't want other people's respect and admiration.

These things are true, and it's what I struggle with most as a public defender. You don't have to like me, or what I do. But I want respect, and acknowledgment. I'm struggling with one particular case right now where the entire courtroom is so far against my client that my voice is like a dog whistle. The court reporter is typing my words but no one hears them or pays them any mind. The entire case is riddled with reversible error, as every single one of my meritable claims has been just flagrantly dismissed without consideration. I am one ignored word away from being held in contempt or filing a flurry of, I don't even know. Writs of mandamus? I am a smart, personable attorney. I work hard to be good at what I do, and I will advocate vigorously for my clients, to the boundaries of the law. Is it so hard to acknowledge that I have a place in this courtroom? That I have a voice? That I submit and argue well-thought-out legal arguments? You must ignore me because I'm right and you don't want me to be. Otherwise, you're just being an ass.

I feel that the practice in my jurisdiction is completely disgraceful. I am dismayed by how few judges I have any respect for. I am angered by how unprofessional and unethically uncivil the prosecutors in my jurisdiction are. I am not asking to win every case, I'm not asking that you tell me I'm pretty every day. All I ask is that you listen when I speak, that you respond thoughtfully while demonstrating a grasp of basic legal principles, and conduct yourself in a professional manner. I do the same for you.

I love being a public defender but I hate what that is on an hour-by-hour basis. I am self-aware enough that I can admit that I need to feel respected by the people I work with. I need to feel smart (not smarter, just smart). I expected my clients wouldn't like me, and that judges would get angry, and that prosecutors would give me a hard time. But I never thought I'd be like this. It's all so yucky.

I think I can finally admit that I am not cut out for this, at least as it is here in my jurisdiction. Maybe a different jurisdiction would be better for me. Or maybe it's just that I don't have that thick skin required to do this job, anywhere, and do it well.

new blog reinvigorates PD blogosphere!

2010-02-17T19:36:00.001-05:00

Public Defender Revolution

the future of this blog

2009-11-24T08:43:00.001-05:00

Well, it's happened. I have been discovered. I think once the anonymity of the blog collides with real life, it's probably time to stop. Maybe it was time anyway. Not sure exactly what I'm going to do from here, but for now Woman of the Law is on pause, and maybe the next time you come here this blog will be gone. We'll see.

Unfortunately we've seen the PD blogging community slowly disappear, so I hope a new generation of PDs finds a way to keep blogging, or be involved with one another, because it's been really great to have conversations with other PDs out in the world. See y'all on the flip side!

where my pd peeps at?

2009-11-20T23:25:00.001-05:00

Today was one of those days that I will look back upon, as being one of the most important days of my career. I have a horrible, terrible case with an innocent client facing life in prison and it feels like I might not sleep for the next few years. Only a real pd knows this misery. Right now I need to huddle up with my public defender community, arms on shoulders, pull our heads together, talk it out, yell it out, scream it out, cry it out, march together, fight together, win together. If I could invite all of you over, we would eat pizza and drink beer and wine and definitely something stronger, whiskey sounds good, and when it was all over I'd feel ok, I'd have a plan, I'd feel stronger having had you here to support me.

new book on why the system sucks

2009-11-13T12:30:00.001-05:00

Has anyone read the book "Ordinary Injustice" by Amy Bach? I'm uncertain whether I'd like to - I already hear enough of what a hack I am. I'm not sure that I disagree with her premise - I guess I'd have to read the book to find out. Any PDs out there going to wade through it?

goings on

2009-11-10T19:41:00.001-05:00

I won but not the way I should have or wanted to. So I didn't feel good about the win, because it didn't feel right, although I think in the end I should have won for the right reasons. There were many reasons I should have won, those just weren't the right ones. How crappy is that? I get a win and can't be happy about it, on principle. But I suppose my opponent now knows a bit what it feels like to be a P.D. - to be on the losing side for the wrong reasons.

I am applying for jobs, more for geographical purposes than anything else. This is a huge deal. I do not feel ready for change, only because I'm scared. I'm afraid that I'll end up without a job somehow, or that I'll feel as though I've made a terrible decision, or that I'm making decisions that bring me no closer to the right path. I am totally and completely afraid. Also, I am dismayed how many people want my law school transcripts or want me to write an essay about what life experiences I have that make me a good public defender. Um, well, I am a public defender. I've been a PD for 4 years. I found that to be very good preparation for being a public defender. I thought it would be easier to make a lateral move - but it's the exact same process, 4 yrs later.

to those about to rock [1L year]

2009-08-30T21:48:00.001-05:00

I noticed a spike in visitors, and noticed that there was a significant number of people searching for advice on being a 1L.

I wrote this over 4 years ago for those entering law school [yikes!] and it's a good thing I wrote it then, because I don't remember what it felt like to be a law student as much anymore.

Good luck to all entering those hallowed halls. Just remember, you're worthy.

on being a public defender

2009-08-27T10:56:00.001-05:00

I have exactly, precisely, $10.92 to last me the next 8 days.

Dear ABA Law Journal

2009-08-26T06:43:00.001-05:00

Thank you for your emails to me as a blawger. It's nice of you to write me things of interest. What I want you to know is that there is very little you do that is of interest to me. Your monthly magazine, your website, all those things are about and geared towards a very specific subset of lawyers; namely, the big firm - corp counsel types. Our profession is so much broader than that, and you perpetuate this narrowing of the profession that begins with law school.

So about this Rebel project you have going on? Thanks for letting me know, I'll be sure to check on it, but I'm already disappointed. Your rebel is a corp counsel who doesn't hire firms if they have a poor track record regarding diversity. That's commendable. It's not rebellious.

Thanks for continuing to marginalize attorneys working in the public interest. Neither you nor my clients see me as a real lawyer.

even the annoying ones

2009-08-25T21:40:00.001-05:00

I just noticed that he wore the same shirt on the past three court dates.

He drives me absolutely insane, but he wore his nice shirt. Because he probably has only one.

He tap dances on my last nerve, but I'm so proud? humbled? pleased? to be his lawyer. I'm glad that something pushed through the barrier of my annoyance and tapped me on the shoulder to remind me that yeah, he's a huge pain in the ass, but he's a human being who has a lot of life battles, and I'm so glad that I could stand by him. Because the prosecutor with the shiny shoes and the judge with his season tickets and the detective with his nice suit and badge will come in, and I get to be the only one privileged enough to fight for the guy with only one nice shirt.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for letting me be your lawyer.

I only have one nice suit.

for those who were PDs but then weren't

2009-08-10T19:34:00.001-05:00

for those who left, or those who left and returned to the profession...

What do you think? What made you leave? How do you feel now that you left? Did it change the role that work plays in your life? And for those who came back... why? And how do you feel about your return?

reflecting on envy

2009-07-22T11:21:00.001-05:00

Sherry at Rhubarb Pie recently wrote about how it felt to learn that someone that you knew once and were in the same place as once is doing something 'important' or 'prestigious', leaving you to wonder, well, what about me? Read her blog entry, I feel as though I'm not properly summarizing her thoughts and am projecting my own a bit.

The exact same thing happened to me last week. I found out that an acquaintance I knew once, who was on the same place as me once, is doing Big Things or at least has a Big Title. It sounds smart, and prestigious, and important. And it made me think, why not me? People around me have said, You could do the same thing! But that is not true. I'm not sure why. And I envy his title of importance, and the respect it commands. I want it.

There are a few things this makes me consider. What is it that I feel as though stands between me and a Big Title? Aside from the fact that I probably don't want it - why do I feel as though I couldn't have it? I can't answer that question, but that's an important question, and I think I need a few good answers. Do I feel as though my socio-economic class (prior and current) limits me? Do I feel as though I'm not in fact as smart as I've led other people to believe I am?

I'm self-aware enough to know that it's important to me that other people think I'm smart. I don't want to be smartER than everyone else. I just want a room full of smart people to think that I'm smart and interesting, too. I'm not athletic or artistic. I think other people find me generally pretty funny but I'm not always very social. My thing has always been grades, and getting good grades. (maybe less so in law school, the great equalizer). There are no grades now. So who am I and what do I use to evaluate myself? Who am I? What am I? Now I'm not smart or important and I regularly wonder in my day to day job, "I went to law school for THIS?"

Now, let's turn back to the fact that most jobs with Big Titles are not jobs that interest me. On paper, the job I have now is the job I want. But there are these wispy intangible things that makes this job not completely fulfilling to me. I don't really want any other job, I just want this job to make me happier. I'm not sure how to do that. I also wonder if perhaps I'm putting too much importance on my job being 100% fulfilling, and that maybe I should be more focused on making my personal life more fulfilling and stop expecting my profession to dictate my life. That goes back to wanting to be smart, I suppose.

My envy has me thinking about these things.

Henry Louis Gates Jr. arrested for yelling in his home

2009-07-21T07:58:00.001-05:00

Gates suspected of breaking into his own house, then arrested for yelling.

The ability of police to escalate situations is just downright commendable. There wasn't a crime committed until the police were present. I'm still unclear what exactly the crime was that occurred when the police arrived. (Certainly the observation, "This is what happens to black men in America", referring to the fact that the police entered Gates's home because they thought he was breaking in TO HIS OWN HOME, is not illegal).

How do I know the police are lying?

1. The second officer doesn't corroborate the first officer's account.

2. No one ever yells, "I'll talk to yo' mama outside!"

just got dumped

2009-07-05T13:33:00.001-05:00

which may be fodder for renewed posting. Still trying to figure it all out.

on being a public defender: you should also be something else

2009-04-07T19:22:00.001-05:00

I've been working hard at trying to value myself through something other than my job. I'm working hard trying not to rely on my job for deriving my sole source of pride or accomplishment. The reason for that is because this job sucks. I am a smart, hard-working, personable attorney. However, no matter how much time or favorable law or civility or hard work I bring to the job, the outcome feels so predestined. I often feel that I could accomplish the same results by caring less, working less, using the law less, being less prepared, and having nothing more than a high school diploma.

My work environment is part of the problem. Because the volume tends to be high in my jurisdiction, there are a lot of prosecutors, a lot of lawyers, a high turnover rate for judges and prosecutors and defense attorneys. I take my professional reputation very seriously, and it's important to me that the people who interact with me can at least respect me if they don't like me. I'd rather they didn't like me, actually, but just respected me. Recently, I've been offended by some judges because I expected that they saw how hard I worked, that I had integrity, that I afforded the court and the proceedings appropriate deference and respect, and that therefore when I needed some leeway (more time to find witnesses, or file a motion, or when I didn't appear on my own cases one day because oh, I WAS OUT SICK ONE DAY THIS ENTIRE YEAR) that this leeway would be granted. Not being the type of attorney to abuse these things, I thought I was owed at least that. Apparently I hold no such regard in the eyes of others.

The law is not often on my side, so when it is, I expect you not to do disingenuous legal gymnastics to avoid ruling in my favor. You can so easily rule against me within the bounds of the law, every single day. Why thwart the law unnecessarily?

I've known this before, but I recently have had to remind myself of this constantly: this job cannot be my life. A job this abusive and demoralizing and sad and illogical cannot be what I base my happiness and self-worth upon. I've invested so much of my life in social justice and social causes that I'm not sure what else I enjoy. I'm reading a lot more now, which is great, and I'm trying to make exercise a non-waivable priority, and I'm getting into music a lot more than I have been in recent years. I've been to two museums, one choral concert, and one play in the past 6 weeks or so. I cook a lot more.

The other thing I can't quite explain is that I would rather that other people in the courthouse didn't know who I really am. With these social networking sites, or just being within close living and working proximity to my adversaries and to judges, I've suddenly realized that I don't want these people anywhere near the real, complete me. I don't go to the bar when I know everyone else is going to be there anymore. I thought at first that maybe knowing each other better would be good, but I don't trust it. I don't trust that these people wouldn't use it to their advantage, or take the opportunity to further estrange us. (Ever had a prosecutor sidle up alongside you and be all, "But you know your clients are all guilty right?" Awesome.) I'm jealously guarding parts of myself from the courthouse, and hoping that doing so will let these parts flourish instead of stomping them out, the way the courthouse has managed to stomp out any incentives for me to be a good lawyer.

if you don't have anything nice to say

2009-04-05T17:37:00.001-05:00

don't say anything at all.

I'll be back.

MLK Day

2009-01-19T11:09:00.001-05:00

I was writing another PD-related post but had to stop and say something else.

I'm watching a special on Dr. King right now in light of the holiday. Dr. King is so incredibly captivating. His voice, his energy, his quiet power is just so incredible - and this is just from watching old video. I can only imagine what it would have been like to be in his presence.

Watching him motivate crowds of young African-American children, young African-American adults, watching these crowds fight for education and racial / economic equality, watching the police attack these crowds of black youth - these images leave me so conflicted. I can't help but think that my job is a symptom of what we've still failed to accomplish of Dr. King's cause. I know how frustrated urban youth are with the police. And yet where is their fight? I feel frustrated that there is no bigger movement to fight this fight. I feel overwhelmed by the burden of fighting this fight as one person, trying to fight it one case at a time. It's like trying to stick fingers and toes in the cracks of a dam. I want my clients to feel empowered to do something about how they are treated by the criminal system. I want my clients to feel empowered to do something about socio-economic stratification that is so glaringly apparent in urban areas. I'm fighting this fight as best I can, both in my job and in my personal life. But why am I fighting? Who am I fighting for? I feel like I'm fighting for a good number of people who want me to fight for them, but aren't interested in fighting for themselves. Occasionally when my clients or their families voice complaints about rampant police lies and misconduct, or racial disparity in criminal consequences, I encourage them to be pro-active, to engage their communities and their political representatives. I tell them that they know better than anyone else who is being victimized and how. I want them to feel like this is something they are capable of changing, to work on changing the dynamic instead of just reacting to it.

I can take a look around a courtroom filled with 100-200 people, and see maybe one white face. I want to take a look at those faces and see a movement like Dr. King did. I fear that the same room of people would be so much more likely to take today and go see the movie Notorious, and who would rather fight for the opportunity to live a lifestyle of a rap star, or of gang violence, or drug money. I fear that rap stars play too prevalent a role as leaders for the communities in which my clients live. It's demoralizing to me, and I want to know where Dr. King's fight went. I want to know what it would take to bring it back. Have we been so successful in creating racial and socio-economic apartheid in our country that we've taken the fight out of those who we oppress? We've been so successful in marginalizing the marginalized?

Tomorrow, our first African-American president will be sworn in. And I hope that in this historic event, where young people are flooding the inauguration just to be a part of President Obama, to just be part of his movement, to be in his presence and to be inspired by him, that this reinvigorates Dr. King's fight. President Obama can empower these communities in a national, cohesive way that no one else has in some time. I'm just a lawyer, I'm not inspiring anyone to action. I'm so excited to see a leader who is capable of empowering communities, to inspire them to action. There can be no better way to follow the celebration of Dr. King's life and legacy than by the inauguration of such an inspiring leader. For racial and socio-economic justice - finally, a leader.

It's been two months already?

2009-01-10T20:02:00.001-05:00

I am shocked, SHOCKED, to discover that I haven't written an entry is more than two months. Has it been that long?

I don't have much to write about specifically, right this second, except I'd like to point out that either the PD blog community is dwindling or I'm not doing a very good job of following it. When I was in law school, and maybe just a baby attorney, I was reading so many PD blogs and one at a time these blogs are going defunct. It makes me feel sad. It felt like a good community to be a part of, even if only virtually.

I guess I'm not really doing such a good job of keeping the community going myself, but I hope to fix that soon enough.

calling all motion writers

2008-10-26T15:56:00.001-05:00

I'm looking for a really good analysis, scientific or legal, that supports why DNA samples are testimonial evidence and thus protected by the Fifth Amendment (unlike blood, or hair, which are physical evidence and thus not implicated by the Fifth Amendment). I cannot possibly do a thorough review of the millions of scientific articles on the endless possibilities of the information we can get from DNA, but I hope to use this information some day to write a motion in limine.

I think it's fun to argue that 40 years of clearly established Fifth Amendment jurisprudence was wrong.

If there are any non-lawyers reading this, how do you feel about the fact that the government has the right to get your fingerprints / blood / hair and use it against you as they see fit? Do you think the government should be able to use your body to prosecute you? Do you think the right against self-incrimination should be involved in that determination at all?

But my dream's not coming true.

2008-10-25T12:45:00.001-05:00

The kid next to me at the coffeeshop said that to his dad. I'd guess the kid is somewhere between 3 and 4. I love listening to a child's thought process. He was so upset that his dream wasn't coming true - when his dad asked what dream he was referring to, he kid said, "My dream of having sea animals." His dad admitted right, it wasn't coming true, but maybe it would someday.

I was sitting at the table, finishing the best latte in the entire city, and my delicious goat cheese and onion quiche, and trying to slowly process the phone call I got from my brother the night before. I was in a cab on the way to a honky tonk dive bar, a few glasses of wine and a few good Gillian Welch songs already in me. My brother got his deployment date. In about a week and a half, he said, he would be in the midst of the most volatile area of Afghanistan. He wanted me to know what arrangements were made. Who the life insurance beneficiaries are. Who has power of attorney. That our mother would be the first one notified, but he was going to try to change it. He wanted it to be me. And if it wasn't, he assured me there would be plenty of money in his account, and could I please make sure to get to my mother within 24 hours. He didn't think she could handle it.

Of course. Of course. I got you. I understand. Consider it done. Absolutely I'll make sure to. I could only respond in calm affirmations. I got this covered, don't worry, I'll make sure it's taken care of. I know he's scared, there's nothing I can do to make it not scary, all I can do is make sure that he knows I've got his back, on this side.

I'm tired. I feel like I take care of a lot of people. Why am I always the one to take care of it? When is someone, anyone, going to start looking after me? Before, it was a decision that my brother made that we selfishly and protectively tried to talk him out of. He was so mad that we all tried to convince him that he was making a terrible decision, joining the military. When he snapped one day on the phone, yelling, "Why can't any of you just appreciate that I'm doing an honorable thing?" all I could say was, "If anything ever happened to you, and we never tried to stop it, we'd never be able to live with ourselves." But he went ahead, and after we couldn't stop him, all we could do is support him 100%. And now this means not just accepting his choice, but taking on responsibility for his choice. His choice means making sure I have some time set aside, if I ever needed to go home on a moment's notice. His choice means I need to take care of my mom, several hours away, while trying to take care of myself. His choice means I have to decide what and when to tell my father, with whom my brother hasn't spoken in years and to whom he still refuses to speak. His choice means that if something happens, I have to keep it together, take care of them, help them, make sure they're ok. That responsibility sucks, and I didn't ask for it.

I'm not saying that I don't want to take care of my family with every ounce of my being. Of course I do. I'm freaking out, though. Why isn't my punkass little brother still living nearby, going to school, or working, or otherwise misbehaving in ways that cause us fits of anxiety? Why couldn't he have decided to move to Thailand or Costa Rica and farm? Couldn't he just have gotten another tattoo or piercing or stupid mechanical toy like a snowmobile? Why did he have to decide to enlist? There's nothing I can do to control this. I can't make sure he's safe, I can't keep him from harm, but I'm supposed to keep it all together on the other end. It's shitty. I hate it.

So now I feel fiercely protective and mindful of my family, mindful of my role to keep them calm and ease their worries, while still trying to cope with that anxiety and worry myself. On top of feeling the weight of hundreds of clients' problems on my shoulders, on top of constant worry and anxiety about my friends' drinking, or unacknowledged depression, or general recklessness; in addition to the regular old lesser worries about getting everything done in a day, not gaining weight, paying bills, or wondering if I'll ever be married and so desperately wanting kids. I wish someone was making a phone call to say, Please look after her. I don't know if she can make it through this one alone.

But I'm not really alone. I have friends and family who love me, and we'll get through it together. We'll work out our worry and our anxiety together, we'll look out for him the best ways we can, and we'll look out for each other too. I love you, little bro, make sure you take care of yourself and be safe. You're smart and resourceful and sensitive to others, I have faith these things will carry you back home safely.

The old Chinese curse, "May you live in interesting times" rings true. I have lived through interesting times, and I'm hoping to live in less interesting times. Boring family sitcom-type times. I think I've encountered some fairly turbulent decades, and I keep dreaming of a time when I'm cruising at a steady altitude, turbulence free, where I can undig my nails from the armrest, relax my shoulders, and maybe even let my head rest gently against the seat. That's my dream. Not coming true right now, but maybe like the kiddo's sea animals, maybe one day.

best compliment ever.

2008-10-14T21:36:00.001-05:00

"I'm gonna pay you to keep on as my attorney, now that the case is over."

One satisfied customer!

Can I call ya Joe?

2008-10-02T21:34:00.001-05:00

I didn't watch the first Presidential debate. I frankly don't care. I'm watching the VP debates only because I'm hoping Palin speaks in random phrases like she did with Katie Couric. So far she's stringing together sentences pretty well, equally as important sounding but nevertheless empty as any other candidate.

I'm glad Gwen called them on the fact that neither answered her question. They did that more than once in the beginning.

You know what grinds my gears? This silly, hollow "bipartisanship" debate. It's a straw man argument. Gwen Ifill just actually asked them what they'd do about the sudden rise in bipartisanship. I'm sorry - We are in a debate that is by design for two parties only, and for each party to disagree with each other and explain why. We are only permitted two points of view, and we must choose from one of those two points of view based on the decisions made exclusively by the respective political party. The one eventually chosen party is supposed to fall within party lines and if not, that chosen one is not doing what they're chosen to do. Right? A two party system is bipartisan. I hate all this pretending. Let's point to Democrats voting Democrat or Republicans voting Republican and call it a bad thing, while demanding exactly that.

Democrats don't support gay marriage. Huh. Guess there's no choosing candidates on that issue. If gay marriage was your issue, who are you voting for this year?

I love when Joe Biden speaks in the third person. It tickles me. No one loves the third person more than Woman of the Law.

Sorry, I was facebooking during the foreign policy part. Which was a big part of it, I know. But it's like the Charlie Brown teacher voice to me. Whow whow whow whow....

Say it ain't so Joe...? Holy moly.

We need STANDARDS but flexibility in standards for No Child Left Behind. Yes yes. Flexible standards. Excellent.

Sorry, I think Palin is durn cute. She did well. Not just "did well, considering she's an idiot." I am appalled to think that she is in any way qualified to be VP but I love the splash she's put in this election.

I miss you Hillary.

Ooooh! The Dick Cheney VP question. LOVE IT. GREAT question Gwen Ifill! Biden knocked it out of the park, more in his response than in his initial answer.

I think Ifill just asked what each candidate's Achilles Heel is. I don't think Palin understood the question, because she had the opportunity to say her weakness is her Washington outsider status, and then using that as her strength. Instead, she's just babbling again about her executive experience. mayor, maverick, team, blah blah blah. *shudder*

O.M.G. Biden just teared up. So did I. About 5 seconds before he choked up I was already there.

Anyway. No one answered the Achilles Heel question. I think a Moot Court board or an appellate court or the like should do these debates. ANSWER THE QUESTION, CLAIRE. That's a Breakfast Club reference. Wink. Thanks, I know, I'm pop culture brilliant. My Achilles Heel? I'm a lazy mofo. LAY-ZEEEEEEE. (That's not to say I don't do my work well - I do - but I structure myself in such a way to do so. In my personal life, I have to remember to do the same, otherwise I'd never pay bills or clean the house or return my library books.) Thanks for asking, Gwen.

Wait. What's the question now? It's not on the bottom of the screen.

Oh! There it is. Did you have to change your mind due to changed circumstances? Palin's answer is NO. Liar. Much like the "what promise have you made that you can't keep"? She said 'nothing.' I really respect that Biden had a legitimate answer to each of those questions. That's straight talkin'. Palin? Never been wrong. That's a scary person.

OMFG. Another bipartisan question? Ugh. Ick. Yack. Biden's answer was better than the question.

Palin - the mainstream media is not your problem. I promise. It's a problem for you equally as much as any other public figure. So stop. You're just a whiner.

Closing remarks. Eh. snore.

For me.

2008-09-04T18:12:00.001-05:00

I've priced it. I'm renting an RV for 10 days and traveling the Southwest US. Not sure exactly when, but before Dec 31 2009.

political articles

2008-09-04T07:53:00.001-05:00

His wife, Martha, added: "Alaska is a state very, very close to Russia. That gives her foreign policy experience." I disagree. Does that qualify every governor who borders Canada or Mexico as having "foreign policy experience"? Does that qualify every governor who borders an ocean as having excellent naval defense strategies?

Palin's blue collar lifestyle not so attainable for others, Slate discusses.

Timothy Noah of Slate predicts Palin's speech will be great but only because we know nothing else about her.

John Dickerson reacts to Palin's speech. Can you tell I read a lot on Slate?

The NYTimes considers why being Governor of Alaska might actually be different and potentially more qualifying.

The one other thing I disliked about her speech was that I felt as though she spent more time attacking the adversary and not as much time talking about her plans or solutions to problems. I think the Dems did a little better at focusing more on 'what we're going to do' although they did of course include some 'but the Republicans can't get it right' stuff as well.

Palin's speech

2008-09-03T22:26:00.000-05:00

I think she's likeable. I think her speech was good. I think that her speech could very well have rebounded the McCain campaign. I think that her speech makes it clear that Hillary Clinton would have been a better choice for Democratic presidential candidate.

I disagree with Palin on a fair number of specific issues, assuming that what I've read about her political stances is correct. The one conflict I couldn't get around was Palin's repeated accusation that Democrats would increase taxes and create bigger government, government that makes decisions for you - and then in another breath, would promise to advocate for special education (generally a government-administered entity), deride people who would question the importance of civil liberties (they aren't important if they're criminals ie terrorists, government is right don't question it). Plus the decisions that she thinks the government SHOULD be making for you - ie abortion. I appreciate her small-government stance, but I don't know that what she was saying was very small-government, really.

Giuliani makes my skin crawl. Ewww. He is creepy, and I just felt that most of his speech was slimy. When people started chanting "Drill Baby Drill" it really disturbed me. I'm not sure who Giuliani was referring to when he said "THEY say Palin won't have enough time to spend with her children." It wasn't the Democratic party. That's a weird thing to say.

I wondered what the hell McCain was thinking when he selected Palin, but I respect his decision, and I respect him for standing by it.

I can't wait to hear what everyone else is saying.

purging

2008-08-27T18:22:00.001-05:00

It's taken me almost five years, but I am finally parting with my fat clothes. I couldn't ever part with them because of my two strongest anxieties: money and my weight. I was about two sizes larger several years back, but I'm at about my average size now - I'm still not skinny, but I'm maintaining my current weight without too much wrangling, and although I'd love to be two more sizes smaller, it's unlikely. I've had a large box of these clothes that no longer fit for about five years now.

I didn't want to get rid of them because if I did gain weight, I would not be able to afford a new wardrobe. Most of these clothes are nice clothes - actually nicer than most of the clothes in my current rotation. I don't own a lot of clothes, I rotate about the same three or four pairs of capris in the summer, three or four pairs of pants in the winter, and about 10 different t-shirts regardless of the season. But I had all these crappy, pit-stained, superlarge shirts, plus some really nice collared shirts, slacks, skirts, just taking up space that I don't have in my current urban [read: tiny] space I share. I am throwing out three garbage bags of the gross shirts, and I have four garbage bags of clothes to be donated - two to a women's work wardrobe type organization, and two to Goodwill.

Someone wisely pointed out that there's a difference between being broke and poor - I'll always be broke, but I don't ever ever want to be poor again.I still have the anxiety, that if I throw them out I have no safety blanket, I'll have nothing to wear, no way to get new clothing, and I'm just throwing money away. I cling to these things because I can't take those things for granted. I'm always afraid of being poor again.

I wore the same pair of sneakers for an entire year. Every single day. And they were hand-me-downs from a friend. I patched up the crotch of two pairs of my jeans, the only two pairs that really fit, because that's all I had that year, I didn't have any way to replace them, and so I had to make do. Once in eighth grade, our teacher required us to bring two very specific school supplies. They'd cost about $8 total now, but I remember being yelled at, at home, that we didn't have the money for those things, so too bad. I remember being lectured that public school is supposed to be FREE, and since when did we have to provide such things? Then I went to school and got yelled at there, too, in front of the class, for not having those supplies as the teacher required. I remember going on a field trip that included a stop at a food court, and being the only kid who was eating a brown bag lunch in the food court. In high school. Even more embarrassing, one of my teachers came over and insisted on giving me money to buy an ice cream or something. I don't think on these things too often, but those memories and the discomfort and the embarrassment is seared into me, something that may heal but will always leave scars.

My family is almost 10 years removed from that type of poverty, and I'm so happy to see that was a finite period of my family's life, but I'll never be able to shake it off. I will never completely stop worrying about having something appropriate to wear for an occasion, or being able to buy food, or being able to pay all the bills every month. There will always be that chill in my bones that I'll never quite be able to warm. And now that the economy's bad, and I have hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt, I'm paranoid that I'll wake up tomorrow and won't have a job, and won't be able to get one, and won't have any way to pay the bills or put a roof over my head. That gut anxiety never goes away.

Other poor kids know what I mean. You'll always be the poor kid. Even though I went to good schools, and I've managed to traveled a little bit, and I appreciate red wine and a good meal, I don't feel like everyone else when I do it. I feel like an imposter. I don't belong in fancy clothes, or a fancy hotel, or planning fancy vacations. I'll always be the girl wearing her friend's hand me down sneakers. I'll always be the girl wondering how everyone else lives life so easily, when having so many more things now just means anxiety about losing those things. Poor kids are always looking over their shoulder, wondering when life is finally going to catch up and take away the cloak of security that you clutch so hard your knuckles turn white. Poor kids are always worrying about when the time will come to be poor again.

Getting rid of those clothes meant having to trust that even if things go badly, I'll still be pretty ok. Even if I have to get rid of the gym membership and even if I'm eating nothing but rice and pasta and gain back all that weight, I won't go without clothes, or have to visibly sew tattered clothing to keep it together. I'll never completely trust that there is anything at all preventing me from being that poor again, but at least I was able to let a little more of that go.

I'll always love you, Hillary.

2008-08-26T22:14:00.001-05:00

It's been a month. I've been hanging out, relaxing, which isn't always the stuff of blogging. I've taken a lot of time off to do not much at all, which is a refreshing change from taking time off to run all over the place. I've been baking as much as the weather will allow. I've been reading as many issues of The Economist and Real Simple as time will allow.

I waited and waited and waited and finally, Hillary came on to stage at the Democratic National Convention. I somehow managed to not watch any of the Olympics, despite my best intentions, and I haven't managed to be able to read a book, and I didn't even know that the DNC had started until this morning. But once I found out that Hillary was speaking, I glued myself to the TV. I do love Hillary. I don't think I realized how much I am in awe of her ability to be a strong, respected woman in a man's world. I am so moved by her legacy. I love her.

Even though I didn't expect it to happen, and even though I'm not sure it would have been a good idea, I felt put off by the Democratic Party's snub of Hillary, with choice of Joe Biden as VP. I don't know much about him, he seems like a sufficient political candidate. I don't think Hillary should play second fiddle to anyone, and as I said I don't think Hillary as VP is a very good idea. But I think Obama and the Democratic Party owe Hillary, big time. If Hillary was the Democratic Candidate, I'd vote Democrat this year, as I have in every previous election. I feel completely alienated from the Democratic party and national politics, and with Hillary not being the candidate, I'm voting third party, even though Hillary is urging me otherwise. Sorry Hillary.

Hillary, you inspire me. Keep going, sister. Keep going!!

Louisiana death penalty case

2008-07-23T20:19:00.001-05:00

The issue in Kennedy vs. Louisiana was whether it was unconstitutional to execute someone for raping, but not killing, a child. My opinion? Hmmmm.

I have a variety of thoughts on this topic. I'm a defense attorney, and a former social worker for abused and neglected children, and did an internship with incarcerated youth, and worked with kids in an educational setting. I've done a variety of jobs with kids, and with law, and some with both. When I was a social worker, I remember a coworker of mine saying, "Why put kids in foster care? They'd be better off if we took them out back and shot them." I was appalled, as a newly minted Bachelor of Social Work, and regarded my coworker's comment with disgust. How dare she say such a thing! It didn't take long for me to see that, although hyperbolic, she might be on to something. Kids were being abused in foster care, or being put into facilities or foster homes that weren't providing these kids any sort of nurturing or care. The fact was, ripping them from the only dysfunctional household they knew and putting them in a new dysfunctional setting with strangers was not the solution to the problem. Hell, putting them into a functional relationship with strangers wasn't always the solution, either. (Who saw "Gone Baby Gone"?)

But what I also saw was the type of impact and the long term effects of abuse and neglect on a child's development. The most severe behaviors were often present in children who had been sexually abused or exposed to inappropriate sexual behavior. When I fled social work for law school, I left with the impression that there could be no greater harm to a child than sexual abuse. It messed them up so bad that I thought that maybe my coworker's seemingly appalling comment was true in more ways than one.

That's not to say that kids can't recover, that kids can't cope, that they're all doomed. There are strong, functional human beings out there who are survivors of child sexual abuse. But I can't shake the impression that the children who were most troubled were the ones who had been sexually abused. So that's my feeling about child sexual abuse.

With respect to the death penalty: I am against the death penalty. There are a variety of reasons. My opinions began to form in high school, when I was assigned to write a report on the death penalty. When I started the report, I was for it - when I finished the report, I was against it. I was most influenced by the estimated percentage of people on death row or executed who were at some point later exonerated. Then in college I began learning about social stratification, and the influence of race and class on punishment, and the gaping disparities in "justice." Then in the real world, I realized that I wouldn't trust my government to do any damned thing right that actually mattered, and I don't think my government has any business killing its citizens. So my opposition to the death penalty is based on the likelihood of error, the likelihood that marginalized groups of people are more likely to receive the penalty, and my utter distrust of government and bureaucracy.

Understanding from whence I come, let's turn now to the issue at hand - is the death penalty an appropriate penalty for the crime of child sexual assault? I read a few amici briefs, and when it was released I read the opinion of the US Supreme Court. Social workers submitted a brief, indicating that it was generally in a child's best interest that child sexual abuse NOT be punishable by rape. The social workers pointed out that it provides perpetrators with an incentive to kill - if you're going to be executed for raping, why not go ahead and kill the only witness against you? It'll be the same sentence. The brief also discussed the continuing victimization of a child witness who has to testify, probably more than once, against a person who is probably related to them, and faces execution. I don't really believe that the death penalty acts as a deterrent; however, I was most interested in the discussions in that brief. I'm pleased to see that the Louisiana public defenders put in a simple brief - simply put, they absolutely would not have the resources to provide effective assistance of counsel if every child rape was death-eligible.

The opinion itself was not a good one, in my opinion. It reminded me of Kennedy's opinion in Lawrence v. Texas, and more recently, Kennedy's opinion on abortion restrictions. Not so much law, mostly just talking about feelings. In the TX sodomy case and in the abortion case, there was potential to use and strengthen an existing legal framework, and Kennedy did not. The Louisiana child rape case was an equally unhelpful opinion, but what makes it different is that Eighth Amendment jurisprudence is like jello. What kind of 'legal standard' is "evolving standards of decency?" Or "proportionate sentencing"? These are hardly standards. So really, what else can Kennedy do except talk about "How do we feel about this?" When Kennedy is talking about feelings about the Eighth Amendment, it seems to be precisely what the law demands.

In the end, the Supreme Court decides that our feelings as a nation say this isn't a good punishment for that crime. I don't think that's really what the Supreme Court said. I think the Supreme Court said that we don't like the death penalty very much at all, so there isn't much reason to keep it in a case like that. I suppose they were being narrowly tailored to only decide the case in front of them, but I wish they had just done what they said - strike it all down because we don't like it so much anymore. I don't like when the Supreme Court takes on the role of deciding what we want or what's best for us - I think it's patronizing, and if I can't trust my government to kill someone I don't know if I trust my government to decide when it's capable of killing someone - unfortunately, that's precisely the type of decision that Eighth Amendment jurisprudence demands with respect to the "evolving standards of decency" decision.

But what about whether it is proportionate? Is murder worse than rape of a child? I can't say that I believe that. I don't really recall how the Supreme Court decided that issue. I'm sure that everyone would prefer to have their child alive instead of dead. However, the consequences of living through trauma like that can be staggering and irreversible, as I saw in my time as a social worker. With respect to whether the punishment is proportionate to the crime, I don't know that the Supreme Court got it right.

For all that the opinion said and didn't say, I didn't like it. However, I can't say that I think the Supreme Court, legally, got it wrong. Or right. I just don't know that there was an easy way to answer the question. I respect the Court for not punting, and finding some procedural appellate error that could have been used to avoid the death penalty issue. It's a hard question, and I don't think there's a good legal answer to it. Maybe that means it shouldn't be a legal question, but a legislative one. Nevertheless, the Eighth Amendment makes it a legal question, albeit with not so much law to lead the way.

Those are my thoughts and reflections. What do you think? I'd love to hear your opinion.

when I'm nervous, I...

2008-07-20T17:59:00.001-05:00

1. will loudly hum a nonsense tune to try to drone out the anxiety. This coping mechanism is only used in certain nerve-wracking situations, and I've done it for years without really noticing that I did it.

2. look up apartment listings in another city. A specific city. A city you would not consider an answer to the question, "If you were to quit your life and go somewhere else, where would you go?" If I told you the answer, you'd probably give a short laugh and say, "Random." This is my getaway plan. An escape plan. Plan B. When I'm unhappy, I look at apartment listings and fantasize about what my life would look like there. I derive a lot of comfort from knowing that at any time, I could end this, I could walk away from it, that I'd be strong enough to do it. Strange thing is, I don't think that's what I want at all. Not sure why I enjoy the fantasy so much.

a political thought

2008-07-10T21:21:00.001-05:00

I think Edwards and Obama pushed the Democratic race to the left more than it would have been, but now that it's just Obama, I think Obama moved right back to the middle where Democratic voters thought he wouldn't go. This Slate article by Doug Kendall, "Obama veers to the right, but does he need to take the Constitution with him"? is a smart, to-the-point discussion of Obama's position with respect to judicial appointments and recent Supreme Court rulings, and good advice as to how to say what he really means, or to say what the voters want to hear. Although he uses Obama specifically, I think his discussion is smart on a much more general basis.

Heller makes me happy

2008-06-26T10:14:00.001-05:00

Oh, the life of a law geek... I am PUMPED.

I have a lot of thoughts on the Louisiana death penalty case as well. My personal beliefs are quite separate from my legal agenda in both instances, and I think my makes me a social pariah. No one really wants to converse with me about each of the cases, so i'll have to blog about them because I'm so happily geeked out. But not now. I have a gun trial scheduled for next week and gotta get started on some motions.

put up or shut up

2008-06-09T20:09:00.001-05:00

I have no idea whether this will resolve anything, but I'm dusting off the resume and looking for PD or PD-similar positions. I don't know if I'm really ready to move yet, but it can't hurt to look. Or apply.

Send me some leads if you got 'em!

wish list, week of June 9th

2008-06-08T06:31:00.001-05:00

1. Wish that just one of my five scheduled trials will happen, and wish that one will be one of the two I've prepped.

2. Wish that trial won't go past Friday so I don't freak out all weekend.

3. Wish my client with two potential alibis will call me so we can hammer out the times a little better.

4. Wish the US Supreme Court would rule on the DC 2nd Amendment case.

5. Wish that I get to sleep in one day.

weddings

2008-06-07T21:14:00.001-05:00

I watched from the balcony as my dear dear friend twirled below us in her wedding dress. She was born to wear a wedding dress. Every part of her is long, slender, modest, graceful. She's a few years older than I am, and was a supervisor and mentor to me years ago. There is something about her that always seems so centered, so at peace, even when she's struggling. I spent most of the wedding admiring her, her quiet grace and quiet beauty that is cooling and soothing. I was there on the balcony a long time, thinking.

There's something really difficult about coming back to people who knew you once, who knew a big part of you, when two things are true: first, when that part of your life no longer seems relevant, or that it seems to have moved past you; and two, when the part of your life you're in now doesn't feel right. So here I am with a large cup of chippedy chocolatey ice cream still trying to just figure it out. How can I be at this stage of my life and still not know where I am supposed to be or what I am supposed to be doing? It seems to me that I've worked very hard to be at this stage in life so how, how in the world can this be so unfulfilling and bewildering?

During the cocktail hour I had been catching up with an older former coworker of mine. He was thrilled to hear how I was doing, what I was up to. He gushed about how great I looked and how amazing I was. At the end of the conversation he looked directly at me, dropping the small talk face, and with a kind but serious voice said, "You're letting off this great energy. You're warm, solid... there's just something there that is such a great aura about you." Instead of brushing it off with a nervous, "Thank you" I made a split second decision to respond as honestly and as openly as he was. And so I responded, "Well thanks, but I couldn't feel further from that. I feel like a mess. I feel worn out, I feel broken, I feel hardened, and I feel kind of lost." He was surprised, said he couldn't tell. "Whatever it is, it's still in there! I can see it!" he said.

At the end of the night, I made sure to seek him out to say goodbye. I gave a hug and was about to leave when he grabbed my hands and looked directly at me, seriously, and said, "I know you said you're feeling really cut up, but it's still in there, you've got it. You're great. You're really, really doing great."

And then I cried.

best day of a girl's life

2008-05-28T10:10:00.001-05:00

I unintentionally dropped a dress size. I was shopping for a dress to wear to a wedding (always a bridesmaid / attendee / drunken reveler, never a bride) and was disgruntled that nothing fit appropriately. Lo and behold, it turns out I'm one size smaller. In disbelief, I asked the sales clerk if they had recently changed any of the sizes, as several stores have done over the past few years. She says no, and I celebrate.

My celebration was quickly followed by panic that I won't be able to actually maintain this weight until it's time to wear the dress, and now I'm miserably obsessing over my weight.

There is no getting over it

2008-04-24T20:41:00.001-05:00

Justice Scalia says to 60 Minutes about Bush v. Gore, "Get over it."

It irks me so, so bad. I don't care that it's Bush v. Gore that we're talking about. The fact that a Supreme Court justice would hand down a decree of constitutional law and then, in response to public scrutiny, dismiss it with the wave of a hand... ugh.

I know that judges are in an unenviable role. Local judges have to worry about making decisions (to release or not to release? bail or no bail? suppress or not to suppress?) that look bad to the public and make great tabloid-like headlines in the newspaper, even if these judges are making decisions that are legally reasonable. But that's part of being a judge. Being a judge means making tough decisions. That's what a judge does. Our system is an adversarial one, so two parties take opposing positions and the judge rules. Now, some of the judges I work with prefer not to make decisions, and that type of judge is the one for whom I have the least respect of all. WE ARE NOT HERE TO AGREE WITH EACH OTHER. I hate judges who want everyone to just talk it out. Well, I think the cop's a fucking liar. You may be surprised to learn that the prosecutor disagrees. So, no consensus. Now your turn judge. Oh, don't want to weigh in? Don't want to have to decide who wins this round? Thanks, judge, my barista at Starbucks makes harder decisions in a day than you do.

I have several cases that haunt me, cases that I know I was legally in the right, cases in which my clients lives were devastated. And when I get up there to yell about how unfair it all is, the judges have the response equivalent to Justice Scalia's - Get over it. So here's my response, here in this empty little tin can of the internet I'm shouting into - NO I WILL NOT GET OVER IT. You know what? You made the decision. You made a bad decision. You made a decision that ruined innocent people's lives. YOU DEAL WITH IT. Don't tell me to shut up to make the problem go away. Because I'm going to come back every day on every future case and remember what you did. And you are going to try to make my life miserable because I can't let you forget that I think you fucked up. I'm not going to get over it, never ever. And neither will these people whose lives have been ruined. You made the decision. The responsibility of the decision lies with you.

I know it's hard sometimes to make the legally correct decision. But if what you're doing is truly following the law, it shouldn't be so hard to take responsibility for that, right?

Justice Scalia's "get over it" response to a decision he made, interpreting constitutional principles, just infuriates me. Every decision the Supreme Court makes is a big one. His job is to clarify the most essential rights of our existence. To try to evade or dismiss as trivial the impact or response to those decisions is not only patronizing but appalling. This is your job. If you cannot accept the responsibility of your professional actions, then you don't belong there.

There are cases that haunt me, and I will not get over it. And maybe, judge, you shouldn't "get over it" either.

superrelationships, monogamy, and please stop asking.

2008-04-04T12:55:00.001-05:00

A few years back, the Utne Reader had a cover article about SuperRelationships. I found the article compelling because it explored the question of whether we expect too much from relationships. This is a question to which I keep returning. Is it realistic to expect so much from one person? Can we expect that one person will "get" every aspect of us?

In October, I was at a wedding and catching up with a friend I hadn't seen in some time. I was telling my friend about my recently acquired boyfriend. I felt compelled to explain that I wasn't sure that he was the love of my life, because even though he was my boyfriend, I feared that people would infer too much from it. I then began confessing that as much as I adored my boyfriend, I also felt drawn to a coworker with whom I got along very well and who shared a similar sense of humor and approached work much in the same way I do. I was confused by what seemed to be conflicting feelings - how can I feel that way towards one if I feel the way I feel towards another? My friend shared something that I thought was so insightful and intelligent that I reflect back upon it often, particularly when the issue of relationships come up in conversation.

What my friend shared with me was her belief that perhaps our society is so wildly monogamous that we cannot accept that there might be one person, not our significant other, who gets one part of us so much better than anyone else, and we feel guilty when that happens.

Over the holidays, I again found myself in a discussion about my current relationship status. When asked whether it was serious, I responded that I couldn't tell. I knew I cared very deeply for my boyfriend, and I felt that his laid-back, upbeat approach to life balanced out my high-anxiety, intense, sometimes moody self. I liked spending time with him, but liked that we both kept separate spheres, and were able to join or not join the other when we felt like it. What I didn't feel, however, was that firecracker emotion, that tingle in the back of my neck, the excitement that comes when you meet someone who sparks some dormant or quiet part of you. I wasn't sure that he really "got" me, and that we didn't have enough in common for that to ever realistically happen. So things were good, they were really good, but I wasn't sure they were great, but I also wasn't sure that any relationship ever has that capacity. My friends shared their stories, of friends who were together but then broke up, no reason other than it just wasn't The One. It was good, but it wasn't great, and good isn't good enough. And here we are, embracing or about to embrace our 30s, and still no answers or discoveries with respect to The One.

It came up again last week. A friend who was considering some of her own relationships started asking whether I saw myself marrying my current boyfriend. She asked if I was happy, or just content, and was being just "content" settling for something less than love that we each deserve?

I don't have answers. I do sometimes wonder about my relationship, and it pains me to admit that. But for as much as the questioning around me increases, my own questions subside. The longer I'm in this relationship, the more I see that he gets me much more than I gave him credit for. He might not debate my socio-political philosophies with me, and we may never be capable of having such esoteric discussions. But there are other people with whom I can have those discussions, and I don't know anyone else who can calm me or keep me company in the day to day drudgery of life the way that he can.

If we expect the superrelationship, then we are looking for one person who gets every part of us, to the exclusion of the people around us who are very capable of providing those connections. I have seen couples who are good examples of superrelationships, but I am not sure it's for everyone. And it's not that I don't wish the best for myself or others who haven't found a superrelationship, and I'm not even sure whether I think there is a superrelationship for everyone or not. But I think it's ok to be in a committed, long-term relationship with someone who gets most of you, and respects that the rest of the parts of you will continue to explore and develop, sometimes or even oftentimes with other people in your life.

So am I going to marry the boyfriend? I don't know. I'm not anywhere near that place. The question makes me uncomfortable. Would I be, if I were in a superrelationship? Maybe. There's no way to tell. I'm not in a rush to resolve the question. There's so much more fun to be had first. I know we're good together right now, and right now I think that's enough.

What do you think? Are we expecting superrelationships and supermonogamy? Are we expecting too much? Or are we discarding a formerly economic and social contractual approach to marriage and relationships in favor of a true, deep, one-of-a-kind bond approach to marriage?

ask and ye shall...

2008-03-27T16:43:00.001-05:00

I just pled with fate and this blog's audience for a big win. Right after that I had a trial, and right after that I had an utterly innocent client convicted.

Kick me while I'm down.

sorry.

2008-03-18T21:25:00.001-05:00

This blog is something I've come to just poke at now and again, like a super fancy kitchen utensil that you only need for one recipe that you make twice a year. Otherwise it sits on the shelf, and I wish I had the energy or the zeal or the words to do something with it.

Maybe I will eventually. Just not lately.

Part of the reason might be because I feel driven to leave the job. Not right away. Not next month, or even in 3 months. But I need to get a feel for what's out there, because I need to leave, and the idea of leaving my job is really difficult to grasp. I thought I'd be here a long time. And I thought when I left, I'd just go to a public defender in a different part of the country. Work has been so difficult for me lately - so tedious, so not law-based, so much paperwork and scheduling and administrative bullshit that it makes me feel like my law degree has just led me to be a fucking secretary with six figure debt - that I'm losing my shit. It never even occurred to me to do anything other than public defender work - and not even as a contract attorney. When I tentatively mentioned to a friend I was considering hittin' the long dusty road, she started talking civil rights firms and big government work. No no no, I waved it off. Just PD work, not that other stuff. Why not? she asked. And then I stopped for a moment. I guess I don't know why not, other than I just never really considered it.

If I'm not a public defender, who am I?

Am I ready to leave before I feel like I ever really got started?

My mentor told me, it's times like these that you need a big win. I don't know if just one will cut it - I think I need a few really big wins to get my revved again. I feel so far gone already.

unfinished

2008-03-04T21:10:00.000-05:00

I can't stand it a minute longer. I'm so angry I want to cry. I'm storming out of the courtroom, where I've just wasted an hour of time sitting there doing nothing, precious time better spent researching a legal issue or analyzing a case or writing a motion or talking to a client or interviewing witnesses. Just an hour today wasted, as I've started to realize that NOT appearing on time has made me a better lawyer. The wind is cold and I can't get a handle on my scarf that's whipping around in the air around me. Fuck this. Fuck this. FUCK THIS. I'm not meant for this. I'm not built to just sit there and watch people in black robes and suits say stupid, stupid things over and over and over again. I hate it, I can't stand it, I don't have the patience for it.

Back in the office, I return to my chair, the chair that sees more of me than does my boyfriend or my bed. On the screen, right where I left it, that motion I've been painstakingly writing, one slow sentence at a time, researching as I write. I cut, I paste, I cite, I move the paragraph, I'm clicking, I'm typing. Every once in a while a flash of his small quiet face comes to mind. Juvenile charged as an adult. So quiet. Can't get him to talk. What ever happened to him that made him so quiet? So tiny. I click, I type, I type, I highlight. I remember back when I saw him, when he first sat down across from me in the activity room. The activity room filled with silence, with false institutional cheer on the cement walls. He, in the jumpsuit, not expecting me. He was expecting the other one, the middle-aged paunchy grizzly soft male attorney he had before. Instead he got me, an edgy, young, eternally scowling female.

When considering sentencing, the court is required to first consider rehabilitative options

and as I typed the sentence I wondered how that was going to be true. He had never been in trouble before. I couldn't quite figure out what was to rehabilitate. It was a bad decision, made quickly.

an unfolding sense of one's place in the world

2008-02-24T09:19:00.001-05:00

That's how my tarot card reading began and ended. I was asking a lot of questions for one reading. I wanted to know where I was going next, what I'd be doing next, who'd be there with me. Will I be lonely? Will I find someone to marry? Will I have children? Will I be a lawyer? Will my life look the way I think I want it to look?

The thing I like about tarot cards, cynic that I am, is that it's not about whether they're true or not. (Although I have had some strangely accurate readings). The tarot cards reflect back at you want you need to know. This time it was no different. The tarot reading didn't answer any questions about the entire unfolding of the rest of my life, just as the reading didn't tell me what to eat for breakfast. but what the reading made clear is that I have no idea what the hell is going on. It reflected back to me my own confusion about where I am and where I'm going. Do I believe that tarot cards predict the future? No. But I think they tell you what you might already know.

I'm still searching for answers. I am pretty sure I don't have them. I think I've identified that I'm ready to start planning some changes. A new geographic location, and new practice. (I like my job, I don't like my current practice.) I have absolutely no insight was to what I want as to either location or practice. And I haven't met anyone I want to marry, or have children with, or consider real estate with.

I'm young, but not so young to be this incapable of figuring out my place in the world. Nothing is unfolding for me, as of yet. I don't know if I'll go, and if I do I don't know where it will be, but I've decided that whatever this is, it requires a 2 year plan. Two years from now I have to be living intentionally, and not so passively. I have to be active and investing my time in something, instead of just continuously waiting for something to grab me and shake me to life.

on being a public defender: apparently we're all liars.

2008-02-10T20:44:00.001-05:00

It's strange how much judges and prosecutors really believe that we lie, lie, lie all the time. I often don't get involved in the "truth" or "what really happened" because no two people tell the story the same way. This is how defense attorneys get to use the government's evidence to create their own defense without ever having to put on a witness. It doesn't matter what I think really happened - if the evidence leads to the inference that there was a self-defense issue, then I get to argue that. The flip side of that is, I have no interest in spinning falsehoods. I don't need to create testimony or create evidence to create a false 'story.' The government (usually in the form of the police department) gives me all the false evidence I need.

It really gets to me when participants in this very system seem to embrace and support the belief that defense attorneys are liars. Often times when a prosecutor is confronted with a big booboo, the first response is to accuse the defense attorney of somehow craftily tricking the prosecutor into doing something. It's strange. Or when I file a notice of intent to introduce a particular defense, the prosecutor gets all *wink wink nudge nudge* "but you know he really did it."

I can almost accept that prosecutors feel this way but when JUDGES articulate this, it disheartens me to the point of wanting to throw in the towel. Why do I even show up for work every day? If even JUDGES think I'm a flat out liar because I represent people who have been accused of crimes, if I'm guilty by association for representing clients who are assumed guilty because they wouldn't have been arrested if they hadn't done something wrong, why do I even need to get out of bed in the morning?

And when the government loses, it's always, "The government failed to prove each and every element" but when a defendant loses, it's, "Defense counsel hardly makes out the requirements of XYZ" or "Defense counsel's tenuous argument that ABC..." I get called a bitch, I get all the adjectives, but the government never gets told that they are silly, ridiculous, and a colossal waste of time. Furthermore, even if my argument is tenuous, can we please just leave out the bitchy adjectives as a way of acknowledging that IT IS MY JOB to challenge these issues? That even if it's a loser of an argument, it doesn't mean that I should just fail to challenge evidence whatsoever? I mean, it's like having a trial and not saying a word because I know I'll lose.

Last week I had an oral argument on a suppression issue. The prosecutor alleged a certain set of facts that, for the most part, I agree with. Where we differ is that I introduced an entire previous set of facts, that existed BEFORE this second agreed-upon set of facts, that strongly negates the prosecution's conclusion as to what the second set of facts means. I discovered this first set of facts because I kept looking for a witness until the witness, in a very reluctant and hostile manner, told me what he observed. Other objective individuals were able to verify different parts of this first set of facts, and I was so delighted to have discovered such great exculpatory material. (although, sadly, if I can't ever get the witness in to testify, as is probably the case, then my client is in big trouble).

The government opposed my motion to suppress, mostly on the grounds that they deny the first set of facts existed because they say they looked into it and could not find any evidence this first set of facts existed. The judge denied my motion and in the decision, the judge constantly referred to this first set of facts with words like "allegedly" and "defense counsel would have you believe that..." The judge almost solely used the government's inability to discover my evidence (which is very strange, because it is technically THEIR evidence if they believe their own facts to be true) to deny my motion. Basically, if the government says it never happened, then defense counsel is clearly fabricating this entire thing. [Seriously, why would I MAKE UP facts? I'll argue inferences but to create an entire scenario based on sheer imagination? Why would I lie? See above.] I was so insulted that the judge, in no uncertain terms, called me a liar. If the judge had denied my motion because there were not enough facts to support it, that's one thing. But to characterize my argument the way the judge did...

I have a lot of words that come to mind in reaction to that decision, but the words I'll choose to use here are, "I'll see you at trial."

on being a public defender: reasons prosecutors make me scream

2008-01-16T16:35:00.001-05:00

Most defense attorneys believe that, in general, prosecutors are unjustifiably arrogant about their roles and their individual capabilities. I've become accustomed to the bravado of the courtroom and accepted the fact that they think the same of us. Really, it's not personal. We're just doing our jobs.

But a surefire way to quickly and vehemently enrage me is to make it personal. And when a prosecutor personally seeks me out to admonish me about how to represent my clients, violence ensues.

It often goes something like this:

P: Why won't your client take a plea?

D: He's not guilty. He has witnesses. As I've told you 4 times before, no plea.

P: Ok, so what if I drop the plea down [one more notch]?

D: Go ahead. Still not guilty. Still has witnesses. Still wants a trial. Still no plea.

P: But I just don't understand why he won't plead to XYZ. I mean, you know he did it, and you have ALL THESE OTHER CASES WHERE YOUR CLIENTS REALLY NEED YOU. It just doesn't seem right to waste our time and the court's time with a case like this.

D: [jaw drops. violence ensues.]

I've had prosecutors tell me, several times, that I am doing all of my clients a disservice by wasting time and resources litigating certain issues. Generally the issues I have encountered as a "waste of time" are issues such as 1. a demonstrated alibi, acknowledged by the prosecutor; 2. a procedural error by the prosecutor that results in an automatic dismissal of my client's case. I've also been told that 3. defense attorneys are doing their clients a disservice by not making them do treatment programs when the clients need them.

I get angry when a prosecutor tells me I am wasting their time because my client refuses to concede guilt. It is downright horrifying how much the "innocent until proven guilty" is one big *wink wink nudge nudge* in the courtroom. I have two cases in particular where the judge has actually said as much on the transcript. I really should have ordered those.

But I get nearly BLACKOUT angry when a prosecutor admonishes me about the time I won't be able to spend on all my other cases that REALLY need my time. And I get nearly blackout angry when a prosecutor tells me that I'm preventing her from helping other defendants because I'm wasting her time by litigating issues on that case. Or when a prosecutor admonishes me for 'letting' my client get rearrested, or 'letting' my client out of jail without a program in place in the community.

I'll set aside the prosecutor's belief that I have some sort of moral influence or flat-out control over my client's life choices - that "reason Prosecutors make me scream" we'll leave for another day. But I cannot comprehend how a prosecutor can, with a straight face, argue that a case is not worth the court's resources and then adamantly refuse to drop the case. I cannot comprehend how a prosecutor can tell me that I am actively hurting my client's best interests by NOT advising my client to take a plea when I have at least a 75% shot of complete dismissal. Or really, the point is, I cannot comprehend how and where a prosecutor gets off by TELLING ME I'M DOING MY JOB WRONG.

You don't have to be an attorney to know what I'm talking about. There are people in life who always seem to think they have some higher authority. People who are never wrong. People who tell you, when you feel a certain way about a subjective issue, that you are wrong. And these people are frustrating because they are locked in some small little world where things are so certain, and you are here in this much bigger world where things are not so certain, and there's nothing you can do to get them to step outside that tiny little world of theirs to take a look around at all the other things that could be.

I have received several very, very unprofessional calls or personal tirades from prosecutors calling me a liar and a cheat. One example (and the most memorable because it was the first and most volatile) originated because they forgot to show up for a hearing scheduled by the court. When ordered to appear, they were not prepared and then accused me of fabricating the hearing myself. However, when asked by the judge earlier that morning, their office told the judge that they were ready to proceed on that very hearing. I think what really happened is that they lied about being ready to proceed, and since the left hand didn't know the right hand lied, the left hand argued back that I made up the fact that the case had been scheduled for a hearing. The tirade was so unprofessional and filled with personal insults that I considered making a complaint with the ethics committee.

I've also been accused of making up, wholesale, a conversation I had with a prosecutor. When confronted with my screaming rage and evidence of one actual conversation in particular, the prosecutor admitted that conversation occurred but never once apologized for calling me a liar or for openly insulting not only me personally, but my professionalism and ethical duty.

There are occasions when a prosecutor's behavior is so unprofessional and ignorant that it merely reinforces the stereotype of their unjustifiable arrogance. The real evidence of arrogance is when they think it is their place to call me and 'supervise' me personally by telling me what I, personally, should be doing for my clients and why. Why do prosecutors think they know what's best for defendants? That seems so strange to me. They know nothing other than the charges written on the paper - often times they don't get around to speaking to witnesses - and yet they profess to know what's best for my client. Furthermore, it's no secret that my job is to represent my client's express interests. So if my client doesn't want to do what the prosecutor is suggesting, why does the prosecutor think that I am somehow a horrid attorney for working on getting my client the disposition my client wants? It would be one thing if the prosecutor was discussing the "worth of the case" which really means, what this looks like on paper without regard to the actual specific facts of this case. But in these instances, when accusing me of "wasting time and resources" the prosecutor makes it personal - makes it about me specifically, and about screwing over a specific defendant, and as a result I'm personally being a bad, bad attorney to all of my other clients.

This is not meant to personally insult or accuse every prosecutor of being a douchebag. There are only a chosen few prosecutors that I believe have zero redeeming qualities, and that designation was well-earned by them individually. Most prosecutors I respect / contempt on a case by case basis, and the prosecutors I respect are not the ones who do me favors but the ones who are professional, reasoned, and capable. (In other words, if you're insulted by this post, it's not really about YOU. Unless it is. In which case, you should really REALLY think before you say something - "Is this about the facts of the case or is this me telling someone else what to do because I think I know more than everyone else?")

resolve: to find or be found.

2008-01-01T20:23:00.001-05:00

I think I'm lost.

I recently went to a small political gathering and had the opportunity to discuss world politics and the presidential primaries and Benazir Bhutto's assassination and the economic and political influence of South America with a handful of people. Although I had signed up to attend, I was dreading actually attending. Who did I think I was? I hardly follow politics anymore, I'm resigned to voting third party just as a big Fuck You to our current system of government, and frankly, I'd rather do nothing at all than get all gussied up to speak with smarmy politicians. But I got there and I met earnest people doing interesting things with a variety of professions and interests and I nearly burst with happiness. I started to remember what it felt like to talk about Big Ideas and thinking about Important Things.

It made me downright giddy. I loved academia, I loved having a physical location dedicated to thinking and talking about Big Things. By the end of law school I was sick of talking and thinking and ready to do. But now "doing" is something I've had enough of, after two years of doing it and doing it and doing it well (Thanks LL Cool J) and I'm ready to start thinking again. I want to muse, to discuss, to learn. I want to stop talking about work all the time, or thinking about work all the time. I want to feel like I'm being an active participant in the world and not just going to work and coming home.

I feel like I somehow, somewhere along the way, stopped really living. I've just sort of been getting by, figuring that one day I'll stop being so busy and then have the time to live the way I want my life to be. There have been a few reasons for this. First, I met someone. Having a boyfriend was a great reason to not doing anything anymore. I have someone to lie around and watch TV with all day, someone who will order in takeout and lie in bed late into the day. Second, work took up so much of my time that in the absence of work, I wanted to do as little as possible. Third, I just sort of forgot what makes me happy, and never really thought to stop and update that list.

I learned last year, but somehow forgot again, that work cannot be the only thing in my life. It has always been important to me to work a job to which I am personally and deeply committed. But I need to remind myself that it's also ok to remember that it's just a job, in the sense that there is no way my job can encompass everything that's wonderful about the world. (As a matter of fact, being a public defender tends to encompass a lot that is deeply tragic about the world.)

I feel some long bouts of self-imposed isolation coming on. Or in the alternative, I need to switch up my scene quite a bit. Too much of my personal life is invested in work and coworkers, and too much of my work life has eclipsed any semblance of a personal life. I am ready to get out there and really participate in the world, to learn new things about people and ideas, to try things I've never done before. I'm going to commit to keeping my life and the people around me positive, and to give myself permission to release the things that are not positive, as painful as it may be. I have to keep learning and seeking and moving forward, and I'm ready to cut a bold path for myself in the world.

keep me motivated to work less.

2007-12-10T16:07:00.001-05:00

I very suddenly just realized that I've lost myself and it's time for me to get me back.

It was a very busy fall, which came after a busy summer. My work days and work weeks have been longer because I've just been trying so hard to keep up. I seem to regularly be working 8 am to 7 pm, plus at least one day on the weekends. I'm chasing the idea that I'll actually achieve a point of being "caught up." With doctor appointments, family commitments, and just generally needing time to do laundry and eat on top of my work schedule, I haven't had much time to be social, or read a book, or make a phone call just to say hello. I miss cooking. I miss baking. I miss watching football. I miss dancing like crazy to a jukebox that my friends and I have dominated.

My solution to the problems are:

1. Leave work by 5:30 p.m. at least 3 days a week.

2. I will not work on the weekend unless I am on trial.

3. When my friends ask me to go out, "I really just need a night in" will be the occasional answer, not the usual one.

These rules won't last forever, but I think I need them at least until mid-January, when shit hits the fan all over again.

I baked a double batch of snickerdoodles last weekend. This weekend, I think it's going to be rugelach and peanut butter chocolate bars. This week I hope to push out some florentines and some sugar cookies. If nothing else, baked goods will motivate my friends to come find me, which is the beginnings of a renewed social life.

the best compliment ever

2007-12-08T21:35:00.001-05:00

Last night I was introduced to someone who, after telling me her name, looked at me with wide eyes and said, "You look JUST like P.J. from My Boys!" I stared back at her, my introduction smile frozen, wondering if someone had told her to say that to me. She said it again, this time with an apology: "I'm sorry, do you know the show? It's on TBS? You look exactly like her to me." I finally shook out of my stupor and beamed. "I love that show! She's my favorite! That is the best thing that anyone ever said to me!"

Internet audience, I look NOTHING like her. But I texted all of my friends who watch the show and told them I had just received the best compliment of my life. One friend's theory was this: I act and sound so much like PJ that it is easy to be mistaken for her. I like that theory. I accept it because it makes me happy.

I know the past two months have been lacking any substance here on the internet. In real life, there's been enough to keep me busy but nothing noteworthy in the sense that the story can't be told in a witty paragraph or so. I had a series of bizarre medical ailments. Work has been bonecrushingly overwhelming so I've been working many nights and all weekends I haven't been socializing much at all and since I'm just dating one person now there are no new funny-then-sad dating anecdotes.

I have started a few posts, about deep personal thoughts and struggles, about specific examples of raging injustices I see every day, and my thoughts on the legal profession and criminal defense in general. Some of them I scrapped until the cases are really and truly over - some of them I just can't seem to write the way I want to communicate it. I think about scrapping blogging completely, but I can't walk away from a forum where I can write something and know that a few someone's are listening.

Between now and my next post, which could be a while, you should definitely catch up on the past two seasons of My Boys. Your life will be better for having watched it.

everything needed to be done yesterday; or, how to win $20k and lose it 8 seconds later

2007-11-27T20:48:00.001-05:00

I shuffled into the house from work around 8:30 p.m. It was another 12 hour day, one of the many 12 hr days of the six-day weeks I've been working since, oh, August? I was tired. I was resigned to spending the rest of my natural life sitting at my desk and getting nowhere. I've been engaging in the 60-hr a week fallacy for months now. The idea that if I can just work late for this short period of time, if I go in on both weekend days and work late every night, then everything will be in place and maybe I can work a regular 50 hour week or maybe, if it's a holiday, a precious 40 hour week. And that day was no different. A 12 hr day worked, still no feeling of accomplishment or belief that I've actually made a dent in the ever-increasing pile on my desk. I had 3 hours before I went to bed, and exactly 12 hours before I was to start a trial that I hadn't really prepared because I had 8 other trials also scheduled.

When I walked in, I had two pieces of mail awaiting me. One, my bank statement, telling me exactly how little my 60 hr week gets paid, which is exactly how little my 40 hr week gets paid. Two, a flyer with a scratch contest. If I scratch the right number, I get $20,000 or a 10 day Aruba vacation (I could certainly use both). I scratch the number.

It matches.

I look again.

They match.

I look again. There must be a catch.

"No purchase necessary!"

No fucking way.

"MUST CLAIM PRIZE BY...."

Yesterday.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2007-11-22T12:30:00.001-05:00

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. I love that Thanksgiving is an entire day dedicated to eating and watching TV and socializing in a lazy way. I wonder if there comes a time in your life when spending Thanksgiving with your friends, your family of choice, instead of your family or origin, becomes acceptable, or more rewarding. I can't imagine not spending Thanksgiving with my mother, as I'm sure she'd be devastated if I told her I couldn't make it back. She is proud of the fact that we have never once missed Thanksgiving as a family. I'd hate to be the one to break her streak. And it's nice to come back home and see people who come back for the holidays, to catch up and hang out, the only time we're all in the same place at the same time.

But. The hassle of holiday travel. Lugging the suitcase up and down the stairs. Wrestling onto the bus / train / plane, stowing a bag. Sitting in traffic. Getting the time off work. Not being able to shake work-related anxiety. Dreading the return to my house, left in disarray in a packing frenzy, returning to a refrigerator left empty in preparation for the time away, returning to a pile of work that's a week behind. It seems like just having one or two days off work, to fill my own house with smells of Thanksgiving baking, spending it with the friends in the city who have such limited free time generally, watching football, lounging around, being able to really actually relax - that would be Thanksgiving.

Ah, the vacation conundrum. Take time off to keep yourself busy with other things than work, or take time off and sit on your couch doing nothing all day, doing nothing to learn more about the world or to try something new. After two years of work, it seems that I'm the latter type - as much as I'd love to do new and exciting things, at the end of the day, the only energy I have left goes to uncorking a bottle of red wine and planting myself on the couch.

I'm thankful to be with my family, to have a job that I love so much that it empties me, to have friends who, after all these years, I still see and enjoy and connect with. I hope that your Thanksgiving is wonderful in the ways that are important to you as well.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I AM a real lawyer!

2007-10-25T15:38:00.001-05:00

I am writing not one, not two, but THREE legal memos in an effort, on three different cases, to persuade the judge to see it my way.

Gosh, I can't remember the last time "law" ever came up in conversation in court. The conversations are usually about one of two things: 1. What a bad and horrible person my client is based merely on the charges, and 2. why every single one of my clients who is charged with something should take the very fair plea being offered (to which I always respond, "It would only be fair / generous / reasonable if he were GUILTY, judge." And then they usually snort or snicker with disdain.)

With all this law stuff, I'm starting to feel like a real lawyer! The only reminder that I'm a fake lawyer is the difficulty I'm having with cogent legal writing. It's true that if you don't use it you lose it.

I'm looking forward to hearing "Defense application denied" without any rational factual or legal explanation at the end of these hours and hours and hours of work.

nooooooooo!

2007-10-23T20:21:00.000-05:00

Tim Wakefield left off World Series roster.

Words cannot express my devastation.

When the Red Sox released a charity wine, I bought Caberknuckle. And I waited. And waited. For months. For the right moment. Then the moment came, just like I knew it would. The ALCS. I wore my Wake t-shirt. I pre-gamed with my bottle of caberknuckle and a select few Red Sox fans. I kept the bottle to add to my Red Sox shrine, right next to the Mr. Potato Head. And Wake pitched an awesome game (at first). I only regretted that I hadn't secured a second bottle, for when Wakefield helped win the World Series.

But alas, it is not meant to be. #49, you'll always be my #1.

I have a really good story

2007-10-23T20:11:00.001-05:00

But I can't tell you until the case is over. Which isn't going to be anytime soon, and is unfortunate because it was a good one.

So instead I'll tell you this one. I was on my way out of the courthouse when I saw my friend and coworker across the lobby. He looked like he was filling out a form for a client, and it was lunch time, so I figured I'd wait with him and then we could get lunch. His client and his client's friend were sitting with him, both young males. As I approached, one of them said not-so-quietly under his breath to my friend: "Ooooh look who's comin to see you..." The other one was trying to get the attention of another young female, who had clearly come to court to find a friend or family member that had been arrested. He kept saying, "Hey. What's your name. Hey. You're cute. Hey. What's your name? My name is Roger. What, we can't trade names?" and she kept ignoring him. Then the other kid got into it, just as my friend was finishing up their paperwork. Finally I ask, smirking, "Are you really trying to pick up chicks in court? That seems like a terrible idea." And the first one replies, "No way man! It's perfect. They're upset, they're vulnerable, their man just got 10 years, it's perfect timing!" and the second one says to my friend, nodding in my direction, "Well look who came up to you!" Ha.

vacation won't help.

2007-10-08T18:46:00.001-05:00

Showing up to work every day has become difficult. I have a staggering caseload, an all-time high number not only for me personally but the office caseload is at an all-time high as well. Taking time off only exacerbates the problem - because then I come back to work and the same number of cases is there, except a week behind. Or covered by another attorney and not done as I had preferred. There's no way to keep up, and no way to predict what will actually happen as scheduled. So I'm maybe 30% prepared for everything, fully prepared for nothing, and stressed about everything.

When something DOES go as / when scheduled, I can then finally fully prepare and abandon my other cases in pursuit of representing one or two people fully.

And that's how my day goes, day after day after day.

I was supposed to call Mr. Smith to remind him to keep his appointment. I was supposed to see if Ms. Lynch actually maintained her treatment program as she promised, otherwise her case will become a lot more complicated. I promised Mr. Williams that I'd visit him at the jail, because we really need to discuss important elements of his case, but I just could not leave the office. I meant to finish adding to that DWI motion but I never did, so I guess that issue will be overlooked one more time until I have the time to argue it adequately. Besides, why argue it fully if the judge denies it every time I peripherally mention it? I'm not sure whose phone calls I've returned and whose I still need to return. It never goes away!

I am really looking forward to when the weather gets cold, in hopes of arrest numbers going down, and more time for me to curl up on the couch with a cup of tea and a book. Instead, the AC is still running, I'm still sweating profusely, and the work still goes on, and on, and on...

three

2007-09-26T18:16:00.001-05:00

Today I took two pleas for clients who I believe were absolutely innocent and who were begging to take the pleas, and I took one plea for a client who was guilty and was indignant and enraged with the system about taking a significantly generous plea offered today only.

I don't like to fault my clients for not liking the legal process. I don't particularly care for it either. But I'm not a miracle worker. I cannot get you out of jail just because you don't want to be there. I cannot get your case dismissed just because you don't believe you should have been charged with a crime. I cannot convince a judge to give you a 6th try at a program when you showed up once and failed to show up 4 subsequent times, despite repeated admonitions from all parties as to the ONE YEAR IN JAIL alternative. I cannot beat your case at trial, which you so badly want me to do, if you never once return my phone call and skip every appointment I try to set up for us to prepare your defense.

One of the innocent clients had a case that I was sure was a slam-dunk acquittal. He just didn't want to sit through a trial. He wanted it over, Now Now Now, and took the plea that would have gotten him out instead of waiting a week to walk out an innocent man. The other client I believed to be innocent had no way of winning at trial. There was no doubt in my mind he would have been convicted. The judge was giving him a really hard time about taking the plea. We had to try it several times. I was getting frustrated - my client could only allocute so much because he was innocent. He couldn't say every detail because he just didn't know the details that he would have been expected to know, had he committed the crime. I started to fear that my client would be forced to stand a trial he didn't want, to be convicted of a crime he didn't do, and experience and significantly harsher and longer penalty as a result. In the end, it worked out. But I didn't feel good about it.

I know I'm getting burnt out when I start minimizing my role in this crazy system. (i.e., I am not a doctor, I am not an immigration attorney, I am not the person who decides your bail.) I am completely overwhelmed by my caseload and the intense needs of handfuls of my clients.

on being a public defender: Taking a punch and getting back up again.

2007-09-10T17:25:00.001-05:00

I made the sign of the cross when I first came out of there, instinctively, the way my 2nd grade CDD teacher from Puerto Rico did it, with a kiss at the end right before the Amen. I spent the rest of the afternoon sitting in the hallway. On the wooden bench outside the courtrooms, in the hallway. I was one of four attorneys. Then one of three, then one of two. Until I was the last one there on the bench, having handed over my one hope, the one thing that had convinced me that we could win. I tried to read but couldn't. I couldn't talk. I was relentlessly thirsty. My nerves were shredded. Everyone else had left for the day some time ago. I sat there, alone, on the wooden courthouse bench in the institutionally lit hallway. I sat in the quiet courthouse, hearing the occasional echo of footsteps at the other end, nervous but confident that we would prevail. There could be no other way. Silence. Anxiety. Pacing. More water.

And when the news finally came, that things didn't go our way, that justice would not be done, I was there, alone, in silence.

I fled the deafening silence, reentering the rest of the world, the world I had forgotten existed because I had been so consumed by this. I called the boss to report the defeat and confessed that my next move would be to curl up in a ball and weep softly. By the time I got back to the office, just a few minutes later, I walked into an office with the boss and the three best trial attorneys one could ever want and they had another plan hatched for me. A plan of action, not inaction. A plan of attack, not retreat. And long after the lights had been turned off elsewhere and the courthouse had emptied, the plan of action became action. Then I turned off the lights and joined my people at the bar.

Satisfied that I had done something, but still achingly disappointed, I joined my fellow PDs at the bar, where they circled their wagons around me. They helped break that lonely, agonizing silence of the courthouse hallway by cracking open a few $2 PBRs, by aiming goldfish crackers across the table into mouths, and by offering that incredible support of people who know just the right way to help you move on.

Things I've been doing instead of posting

2007-09-03T19:38:00.001-05:00

Traveling. Not in the, Let's see the world! type of way, but more in the, I have a wedding / birthday / commitment / family gathering that I have to be at this weekend, last weekend, next weekend, and the weekend after that.

Working. Of course. It never ends. Current caseload: 120.

Playing skeeball and turning in my tickets for plastic rings and fake tattoos.

Getting in as much baseball as I can before the season ends. Let's go Red Sox!

Creating a Facebook profile. How embarrassing.

Trying to see if I'm capable of being "in a relationship." The jury's still out on this one.

Getting in as much lobster and BBQing as I can before the season ends. Yum, crustaceans.

Edy's Butter Pecan ice cream.

My Boys, 10 p.m., Mondays, TBS.

Having a one-woman party on the first weekend evening I've actually been home in months, by unintentionally discovering that my CD player miraculously cured itself and started playing a mixed CD that was created 7 years ago, leading to dancing and singing and searching for other long-forgotten CDs, and in the process coming across pictures of happy memories that were good reminders of why we are all here and what it all means.

Things I have not been doing instead of posting:

Going to the gym.

Writing those motions.

Cleaning the house.

Doing laundry.

Cooking.

These are not defenses.

2007-08-30T08:07:00.001-05:00

I've heard a lot of interesting legal theories lately. The ones that I've heard with bewildering frequency:

WOTL: "Ok, so you're being charged with marijuana possession. It says you had it in your right hand."

Client: "Naw, man! I didn't possess anything! I was with my friend, and these two other guys my friend knows came over. I just took a hit and was about to pass it to one of the other guys. Then the cops came out of nowhere and arrested me! Not even anyone else! That ain't right."

WOTL: "So the marijuana was in your hand when the police came up to you?"

Client: "Yeah, I guess."

WOTL: "So you possessed it."

Client: "Uh, yeah."

WOTL: "Let's talk about the plea bargain."

Client: "I don't think you know this, but the charges have been dropped."

WOTL: "No they haven't."

Client: "Yes they have. Maybe you didn't bother to check, but the case is dropped. He/she told the DA they're dropping it."

WOTL: "'Dropping charges' is like the Tooth Fairy. Doesn't exist. Only the DA can drop the case, and the DA is recommending 6 months jail."

WOTL: "It says you possessed cocaine."

Client: "Well that's not right. How much does it say I had?"

WOTL: "Two zips."

Client: "See? They gotta drop the charge because it was just personal use."

on being a public defender: destroying my youthful good looks

2007-08-15T12:25:00.000-05:00

Not quite being at the point where I can coexist peacefully with the burgeoning wrinkles under my eyes, or the (GASP!!!) dreaded vertical wrinkle emerging from my upper lip (only grandmas have those!) because I am only 27 damnit, I figured I'd start accusing.

Hereinafter, every blemish shall be labeled. Did you ever have a family member or teacher that did that? One that used gray hairs as a consequence of bad behavior? Like somehow, my misbehaving or anxiety-inducing behavior influenced my mother's follicles.

"I can't help you stay out of jail if you're so damned insistent on finding your way back in" = wrinkles under left eye.

"I can't help you stay out of jail if you insist on never keeping your appointments with me or returning my calls" = wrinkles under right eye.

"Telling me that I'm on the DA's side and I suck and I ain't fightin' your case and I'm a worthless piece of shit" = wrinkle above lip

"Being accused by the DA of being deceptive and / or sneaky for requesting what my client is owed pursuant to the U.S. Constitution" = I imagine I must be sprouting a gray hair or ten for that. I mean, I don't have any that I know of, but seriously, I owe an entire post to this discussion, because it happens so often that I am incredulous and mind-boggled. Today, I was accused of using this "tactic." Choke. I'm sorry. Did you really just call this a 'tactic'? I'd call it "due process" or "a fair trial" but whatever. If that's sneaky, then count me in.

I do believe that my employer should reimburse for beauty maintenance expenses. Not that I do any beauty maintenance. But damn, a look in the mirror today really convinced me that maybe I should. That wrinkle above the lip is scaring the bejesus out of me.

growing pains

2007-08-14T12:21:00.001-05:00

Usually I'm up as soon as the alarm clock starts blaring Mike and Mike in the Morning. This morning, I woke up earlier than the alarm and decided that it would be more painful to fall back asleep for the last 15 or 20 minutes I had to spare. I rolled out of bed and shuffled into the bathroom. I stared emptily at my bleary-eyed reflection, squinting under the unflattering flourescent light, toothbrush in my mouth. I looked around the bathroom, fairly tidy despite being shared among 4 roommates, wondered if any of my suits were clean, cursed myself silently for never having gotten around to getting those pants tailored (for the second summer in a row), and wondered when I'd have income to get that taken care of, or when I'd be able to afford another suit. Or a bathroom all to myself. I squinted at myself again, hair tousled, and thought, I wonder when I'll really be grown up.

Sallie Mae is a nightmare

2007-08-07T15:33:00.001-05:00

I just had the most infuriating interaction with my loan provider, Sallie Mae. It was so infuriating that it erases all previously pleasant customer service I've received from them. Heretofore, I have recommended them as a loan provider. Hereafter, I will not do so. It was so bad that I'm now very concerned about them handling my [massive] debt for the next 30 years. If I had any way to transfer my debt elsewhere, I'd do it this second in a heartbeat.

I applied for a 2 month forbearance. It makes me feel yucky to do it, but just postponing two payments on one of my loans will help me get my finances straightened out. (It's been a tight couple of months). I got a letter in the mail confirming my forbearance, and informing me that my next payment will be in one month. That doesn't make sense, I applied for two months. So I called. And so begins today's nightmare.

The first rep I spoke to informed me that the forbearance was applied to last month's payment. I informed her that last month's payment was made, so it could not have been forborne. She informed me that it was made late. I responded that it wasn't possible, because I have auto debit from my account. How could Sallie Mae be taking out money automatically, every month, and then deeming it late? And if that's the case, why has no one brought this to my attention earlier? Well, the rep informs me, I only started auto debit last month, after the late payment was made. No no, I respond. I've had it for at least one year. On your other loans you have had auto debit, she says. But not this one, not until after you paid late last month, she tells me. I didn't pay late last month! I insist. It was automatically deducted! I'm staring at my bank statement right here! I'm staring at my Sallie Mae account right in front of me! We argue back and forth like this for several minutes. I'm growing increasingly agitated because this rep is telling me that I had one previously late or not-made payment forborne, which is why only next month's payment is forgiven. Then she keeps trying to railroad me into just extending my forbearance one month. I insist that I don't want an ADDITIONAL forbearance - I want a two month forbearance that I applied for, one that means I don't have to make two months payments. (I was so insistent on NOT asking for an additional month's forbearance because there's a finite number of forbearances you can request over the life of a loan. I didn't want to burn one because some idiot can't push papers). She goes back to telling me that I missed a payment. I ask what payment I missed, and she tells me a different date - this time a June date. I informed her that the payment was made, she said I only paid part of it. I told her that Sallie Mae took MANY HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS out of my account in the beginning of June, the entire amount due, and there's no way I missed that payment, because I'm staring directly at my bank statement. She said I paid it late, I told her it was impossible because I had auto debit, and she told me I didn't. They have been automatically deducting my payments for over a year - probably two years, at this point. She kept assuring me I was wrong, and I offered to send her copies of my bank statements to show every single deduction made, endorsed "DEBIT", over the past year, on the due date. She didn't need my bank records because her records were not wrong, she said. And the forbearance covered that payment I made in either July or June that was either late or not made.

After a solid 10 or 15 minutes of this, I was livid. She kept telling me, "Ma'am, I'm not trying to argue with you, but our records aren't wrong." And about then, about that point, was the time that I was going to reach through the phone line and throttle her self-righteous neck. Finally I said in a voice that could slice through flesh, "Stop telling me I am wrong and let me speak to someone who is going to fix this." So I got a supervisor.

Only marginally less frustrating, this second conversation. I explained to the supervisor exactly what I was calling about and what the representative told me. The supervisor said oh yes, the forbearance that you applied for online was applied to the last due payment. Well, I explain, that's impossible because I PAID that payment and made sure to apply for forbearance AFTER that payment was made!! But that's how it was processed, she explained. My two month forbearance covers last month's payment (which was made) and next month's payment. So I don't have to pay next month's payment. Well, if the forbearance applies to last month, then refund last month's payment to my checking account. I cannot do that ma'am, the supervisor bristled. So, I posit, if I had applied for a ONE month forbearance instead of a TWO month forbearance, I would have to pay next month anyway? Yes, she says. Which means I would have asked for one month's forbearance, and had to make every month's payments anyway? Does this make any sense to anyone else? Apparently the Sallie Mae reps are crystal clear on this.

In the end, she cancelled my original forbearance request and reissued a 2 month forbearance for August and September (which she explained so poorly that I honestly had to say, "I want two months forbearance and just want to NOT pay for August and September.") And she responded, Yes, that's July through September. I'm pretty sure they went ahead and fucked shit up again, but the supervisor continued to assure me that what I wanted was exactly what she was saying.

Whatever.

And then, the call didn't end with a friendly, "Is there anything else we can do for you today?" so thusly, the call never addressed the issue of my late / missed payments because I've never had auto debit before, and it's just as well. Fucknuts. She was all, Bye. And I was all, Bye.

I tried to get online to send some customer service feedback email but lo and behold! No such thing exists. So the only person, it seems, that I can complain to are the very people who I wanted to complain about. Excellent.

So this is my customer service complaint, Sallie Mae. For the whole world to see. Everyone will know that you are accusing citizens of not making their payments for YEARS when said payments have been made, everyone will know that you will tell your customers that they are wrong (inexplicably. I mean, how in the world did you come up with this fucked up, "You don't have auto debit until last month" shit? Of all the things to dispute - how in the world could you believe that you've never automatically deducted my payments?) Sallie Mae, the whole world will now know that even though SallieMae.com tells me that every payment has been made, on the due date, for the past year, on the auto-debit plan, that your reps will insist that's not the case. I hope the word spreads far and wide, I hope all are forewarned, I hope that hundreds of thousands of people will become aware of the risks that they take with their finances when they agree to deal with you.

I anxiously await my next confirmation letter in the mail, due to arrive in 7-10 business days. They'd better not dare to fuck this up again.

is it ethical...

2007-08-06T19:51:00.001-05:00

to answer a client's family member's questions regarding the client's case? What if your client's family member is on your side?

We all talk to family members. Sometimes you can answer their questions, sometimes you have to insist on NOT divulging information to them. Today in court, my client's mother was there and asked why her daughter couldn't get into therapy instead of doing a year. I agree, as does the DA - the DA is recommending treatment or 1 year incarceration. My client has adamantly declined both offers. She doesn't want to be in therapy. She's going to lose the case. She admits she committed the act but doesn't think she should be punished for it. If she loses, she will certainly get one year incarceration. I think therapy is a much better alternative, given the strength of the government's case and the certainty of her incarceration.

So if my client's mother asks why she can't do therapy, do I say, "That's been the offer the entire time and your daughter rejected it." Or do I say, "I can't really discuss the case with you."

I feel pretty strongly about taking the therapy route, so I said, "I'm not sure. We MIGHT be able to try it. But it's really hard to do therapy as a sentence. I wouldn't usually recommend it. Unless someone was already really committed to it, it's a big risk because it's a long time to receive therapy, and if something happens along the way, it lands you in jail for one year. Therapy is good, but it's difficult to do it in a courtroom with the judge and DA breathing down your neck."

I was hoping that throwing it out there, Mom can help me convince my client to take it. And if my client doesn't want it, then she can always blame me, saying that I said it's too hard and too easy to end up in jail that way.

Anyone else? What would you have done?

I think about you sleeping, how you'll miss that morning tide. But my stomach is uneasy, and I choose to stay outside.*

2007-07-31T18:54:00.001-05:00

Things were quickly resolved after the last post and things picked up where they had been.

Until now.

And so there's this issue, maybe two issues, not resolvable, but both deal-breakers. Perhaps I haven't been as detailed as I should be in my dating adventures, but this roadblock is a new one. I would LOVE to tell you what it is, because I can guarantee someone will finally make me an offer for that book deal or sitcom that should be made about my dating experiences. However, it doesn't feel right to share it, and I've only shared my consternation with two or three people, and I'm going to keep it there.

So yeah, it's a dealbreaker, or at least it could be, but I haven't broken anything yet and can't quite bring myself to do it. I wonder sometimes if other people are in relationships more than I am because they have a higher tolerance for Things That Aren't Quite Right in a relationship. I can't figure out if I'm that type of person or not. I think I'm not. I'm conflicted because I like spending time with him and I find him attractive, but we don't click. We don't really have conversations, we just sort of take turns talking. We don't have much of anything in common. Things are comfortably casual. I like seeing him, but I don't get butterflies in my stomach. I haven't cut things off yet because I didn't feel like I had to. But now that this new dealbreaker has come to light, and he's waiting to hear me say, I'm in or I'm out, I guess I may have to tackle this issue sooner than I expected. How can I bring myself to say, "I like where we are now but realistically this is going nowhere"? Damn it.

*Boom Bip, "The Matter (of our Discussion)"

regarding that last post

2007-07-18T20:42:00.001-05:00

Disregard the "I can do good things at my job" because today came back and slapped me in the face on that one.

and by "uncertainty" I mean, he stopped calling.

so that's that.

I did what any other healthy human being would do, and started drinking at lunchtime, and just stopped about an hour ago when I suddenly decided, out of the blue, that it was time for me to go home and cry. Instead, I came home and blogged. But the crying will probably come later. Because I TOLD YOU SO - it hurts to unravel it all later. There is probably a very good reason for the silence, but I won't be able to forget, next time (if) I hear from him, how it felt when I didn't. And then we get to start from the beginning, where I'll keep him at arm's length until he tricks me into thinking that it might be ok to let go.

every day, I realize...

2007-07-17T19:47:00.001-05:00

... that Sanchovilla is the only person who reads my blog.

... that I'm capable of doing good things in my job. I've been filing motions like a madwoman, and I have piles and piles more of them to write, but you know what? I'm winning at least half of them so far. That's a damned good batting average. The rest of the ones left to file - those are going to be late. Because damnit, I need a mental break.

... when I'm not burnt out, I do very well with clients. With people in general. I charmed my way through prison last weekend, and let me tell you, I've never been such a successful flirt. Who knew corrections could be so pleasant? And my client was grateful for my visit and my concern. I'm so glad I made the trek. Last week, I managed to de-escalate? communicate with? an incredibly difficult client who has some undefined (and severe) cognitive issues and get him to agree to treatment. And I may have even convinced the judge to sentence him to treatment, instead of the prosecutor's recommendation to the maximum sentence.

... that the disrespect, derision, disgust, and dehumanizing manner in which others regard my clients is my greatest catalyst (followed closely by my own dorky interest in criminal and constitutional law). I don't always enjoy my clients' company, but I'll snap quicker than a GlowStick if someone tries to strip them of their rights, their dignity, their humanity. Alas, I'm not particularly eloquent or sharp-tongued when I'm pissed - but I spit fire. Don't fuck with me, and don't dare, DON'T YOU DARE, fuck with my client.

... that wanting to avoid the 'lows' of relationships is a totally valid reason to have avoided them so far. It makes me feel yucky, this uncertainty.

where I've been.

2007-07-13T19:48:00.001-05:00

It's 8 pm on a Friday night and it's a perfect summer evening. The relentless rays of the sun are gone although it still hasn't set yet, and it's the time of evening that everything seems more vivid right after the rays of the sun have passed. There's a wonderful breeze and it's a comfortable temperature, just warm enough to be fine with a t-shirt but cool enough not to break a sweat.

I regret that I've settled into the evening on my couch with ice cream.

I wish I had great plans for a summer Friday evening, in theory. But in actuality, I'm tired. I left work late and then had to stop at the grocery store because I hadn't been in over a month, although that didn't matter because I'd never been home, and then I skipped the trip to the drug store despite the fact that I'm out of just about every toiletry just because I was tired and hungry and wanted to get home before I ran out of energy to cook the dinner I had planned.

I came home and made skillet-seared tomatoes with mozzarella and parsley, and the accompanying sizzled citrus shrimp never made it into a pan although they are now happily marinating in the fridge, for tomorrow perhaps. Instead with my tomatoes I had some leftover black bean and corn salad, along with my favorite summer fruit beer, and dinner was good. Now I'm sitting down on the couch with the apartment to myself and if I hadn't shuffled across the street to my neighborhood Kwik-E mart, I wouldn't even know what a gorgeous night I'm missing.

I've been out of town a lot. A lot of weddings. Visits with friends. Several unpacked suitcases are spilled across my room and there is no clean clothing in my drawers. This weekend was the only weekend left in the summer that I'd be in town and not working. That all changed today, when I couldn't get in touch with an incarcerated client about whom I am deeply concerned. That means I'm heading out to the facility tomorrow - a facility that is not particularly close and is quite difficult to get to. It will be an all day ordeal. Most of my days recently have felt like I'm spinning my wheels. Every single case I have, it seems, is scheduled for trial, and as we all know, our system is not even close to handling the volume of cases caught up in it. Especially now that it's summer. 99% of my work will not come to fruition, but I have to be prepared just in case THAT client, THAT day, THAT judge, will be the 1% to actually happen. Preparing (or not) 100 cases for trials that you know won't happen, in addition to trying to keep up with motions and paperwork and program referrals and phone calls, is exhausting.

Although I'm tired, I'm not unhappy. I'm actually feeling pretty good. I'm better off when I have a lot of work going on at once. It keeps my energy level up. Dating life has slowed a bit, but in a good way. Since he's out of town, I have the chance to spend an evening by myself, and it's been so long since I've had to make time for someone else that I never realized how much alone time I need to stay sane.

I'm going to put the devil's ice cream back in my freezer, get off my tuckus, and see if I can get to some laundry and mail-sorting. That won't make my habitat anywhere close to "clean" but it's a start. And then off to bed to get up, get to the gym, and start another workday.

it's not you, it's me.

2007-06-28T08:38:00.001-05:00

Tom asks, "When's the last time you were someone's girlfriend?"

Seven or eight years ago. No joke. Not since college. Don't get me wrong - if I had my choice, I'd have a boyfriend. But I haven't met anyone who I wanted to be my boyfriend, and even if I had, I doubt he'd want me to be his girlfriend. I've become so accustomed to being by myself that I'm not sure how to include someone else in my life now. Give me 2 more years and I'll officially be a spinster. Not because I'll be too old, but just because I'll be totally incapable of forming intimate relationships.

In the beginning, Frontrunner mentioned that he was just getting out of a long relationship and wasn't looking to jump into another. He said he tends to be in long relationships (5+ years). I told him I have a 3 date maximum. It's true. So for the time that we've been dating, Frontrunner has teased me about this 3 date rule and has been determined to break it. We don't count the times we've spent hanging out with groups (which is many) and we don't count the times that we sat on the couch and watched TV. So by that count, we've been on 2.5 or 3 dates. (Once we had dinner and drinks, then met up with a group. Does that count as 1/2 or 1?) And sure enough, I've hit the wall.

I feared we'd run out of things to talk about, and I feared that's what would lead to the eventual demise, and I think that point has arrived. I like him. I think he's sweet. I'm attracted to him. But I don't feel interested.

I'm not ready to walk away from this yet, because he's a pretty great guy, and I'm an idiot.

Supreme Court Conversations

2007-06-27T15:07:00.001-05:00

Dahlia Lithwick and Walter Dellinger have a fascinating "breakfast table" conversation happening over at Slate. They have it every year, and this year does not disappoint.

neurosis

2007-06-25T17:05:00.001-05:00

Sancho asks, How are things going with Frontrunner? The one word answer is, Terrific.

But I'm not very good at being in relationships. This is a bit of an Insta-Relationship, which is not what I wanted. From the start he's made it clear that he's not dating anyone else, that he doesn't want to date anyone else, that he wants to spend a lot of time with me, that he totally and utterly adores me. The good thing about that is that I never have the opportunity to feel insecure. The bad thing about this is that I've fallen into the trap of letting this happen - talking to him every day, seeing him as often as we can manage. While I'm with him, I enjoy it. I like being around him and we have fun and we have good chemistry. Then I can't stand it anymore. I feel smothered, I feel like I need space, I feel like it's too much too fast. I'm not ready to be anyone's girlfriend. I'm not ready to move my life around for someone else yet. When you make too many accomodations, that means you incur a greater loss at the inevitable end. I like him a lot. I'm not ready to say that I'm in for the long haul. We don't know each other well enough yet. I'm afraid to invest too much because it hurts to unravel it all at the end.

Despite my [reasonable] concerns, I'm letting myself get swept up. I haven't been able to set the boundaries that I probably should have and so, when he doesn't call I call him. When he says, We can hang out whenever you're free, I take full advantage of every free moment I have to see him. I hate that I'm so weak.

exhausted

2007-06-19T12:59:00.001-05:00

Work is very very hard today. And it's only lunchtime.

Someone else please take over? I need to go home and curl up under the covers for a while. I am long overdue for a mental health day.

frontrunner

2007-06-17T15:20:00.001-05:00

I'm down to one, and I think it's for the best. I don't think the remaining one is destined to last very long either, but I appreciate having the opportunity to figure that out without fear of getting busted. I don't have regrets about letting the other off the hook, although of course I feel bad about it because he is a really good guy.

One of the problems with the remaining one is that he seems to be a serial monogamist. Generally that's a great characteristic - but I fear that this has become an Insta-Relationship, which is not what I want. I don't want to be in the habit of seeing someone or talking to them constantly, incorporating them into my life, before really knowing if this is a good fit or not. He does not seem to have the same reservations. I like his audacity: he's clear that he's really interested in me, he is very affectionate, he really wants to introduce me to the people who are important to him. In my opinion, it's too much too fast - at the same time I think, well hell, what's the harm? He is aware of my three date maximum. When he first referred to my 'three date rule' I thought he was, ahem, referring to something else. What he was referring to was the fact that I have not been on more than 3 dates with someone in the past x years. (He brought it up, this isn't something I'd volunteer or even care to discuss).

We'll see where this goes. He's a nice guy, very fun, and kind-hearted. I don't think we'll ever make it out of the small-talk and makeout stage, but it seems like it will be fun for whatever it ends up being.

this sucks

2007-06-12T20:30:00.001-05:00

I like spending time with him but then feel guilty about the other. And so it goes, back and forth.

fallacy of numbers

2007-06-11T08:38:00.001-05:00

The LA Times has an interesting short piece on DNA evidence and the stats used to support / oppose DNA exonerations. (From How Appealing).

This is where you have to tell me what I already kind of know.

2007-06-09T20:22:00.001-05:00

I am interested in two guys, both of whom I believe are interested in me. I have kissed both of them, on different occasions. They are acquaintances who see each other regularly, but I don't believe they are friends independently. The friend that they have in common is the friend that introduced me to both of them. To put it differently, they see each other at the same functions that I would see them. Given my dating history, I won't have more than two dates with either of them before something goes horribly awry. So you have to tell me, Can I try dating both of them? Just to see how it goes? Because unless you stop me, I'll probably try to, with inevitably disastrous results.

Apropos of nothing, I'm watching one of my favorite artists, Stevie Ray Vaughan, on PBS and boy, howdy - watching him perform makes me feel warm and lightheaded. Can you believe it's been 20 years? I can't believe it's been that long... SRV, your music is still alive!

something in the water?

2007-06-08T17:25:00.001-05:00

Like, truth serum? Over the past 3 months I have had an extraordinarily high percentage of clients go to the DA's office, the police precinct, and the court - without telling me - trying to demand that their side of the story be heard, making statements about their case and demanding that the other parties involved be arrested, making statements about their case and demanding that their case get dismissed, making statements about their case and asking for legal advice from the police and from court officers. I have never seen anything like it. I need to add a line to my business card, I think, saying "Do not speak to anyone other than me regarding this incident or this case. No, really. I mean it."

It's happened in the past, but has been rare. The past few months, I'm discovering that every other client is writing out a statement, both incriminating and exculpatory, AFTER they've been assigned an attorney! It's driven me to drink. Right now.

Reminds me of one of my favorite slogans: "You have the right to remain silent. USE IT."

No Hilton for Paris.

2007-06-08T14:33:00.001-05:00

Paris is back in jail, for a full 45 days.

You've never seen a more satisfied bunch of public defenders as we were when this news broke. We were outraged when Paris left early, knowing full well that any medical condition of our clients (cancer, kidney / liver failure, acute psychosis, TB, HIV, broken ribs / jaws / arms / legs) would never get them sympathy or early release. I don't wish jail upon anyone, but any one of my clients would have gotten a 45 day sentence for violating every term of their release repeatedly - and race or class should not influence that.

Today's News.

2007-05-31T07:55:00.001-05:00

The Boston Globe reports on a medical malpractice case in which the defendant was confronted on the stand by his own blog. The case settled the next day.

Oral dissents give Justice Ginsburg a new voice on the court

NYPD does outreach to immigrants

Come to us with your problems, they say. Trust us. This irks me to no end. Organizing a meeting of illegal citizens with Homeland Security is a Bad Idea. Encouraging the very communities that have their civil liberties violated DAILY to work with the police just raises my hackles. Despite my distrust for officers, I can respect the concept of informing undocumented residents that they can go to the police to report crimes, without fearing their immigration status will come up. (Unfortunately, that is not true in all states, particularly the states who are deputizing their troopers as Homeland Security agents.) But I don't like the idea that citizens should be encouraged to regard police as general problem solvers - because they aren't. Police arrest people. That's their 'problem solving.' They won't help you with your immigration papers (or at least, they shouldn't be. They are NOT LAWYERS!) They don't get your family member / friend / significant other into counseling or into drug programs when you call them (another widely held misconception). And people should not be encouraged to trust police officers to search them without cause - because police are roaming the streets, illegally shaking people down, lying about how / why they found the contraband / evidence, and walking back out of the courtroom to do it again.

attention!

2007-05-29T14:52:00.001-05:00

Aforementioned male:

You kissed me. That made me all warm and fuzzy. And I pretty much haven't heard from you since. This makes me cold and angry. Listen dude, I was minding my own business when you came by and started distracting me. You can't now just leave me to continue on my mundane life. I'd rather not be interrupted in the first place.

I'm not complaining, but still...

2007-05-25T09:27:00.001-05:00

For over a decade, I've strongly held the belief that if I weren't overweight, then I'd be knee-deep in boyfriends. My weight has always been a source of consternation, followed by my secret dislike for my teeth, my nose, my hair, my eyes, my eyebrows, my feet, and my sadly shaped tuckus. Thusly, when a member of the opposite sex shows interest in me, my first instinct is to think, "Thank goodness there is at least one person in this world that thinks I'm not a complete and total reject. There may be hope after all." Only after that brief respite do I start thinking about rational things like, Do I like this guy or not? Does he like me or did he just want to get a closer look at the rack?

So from this place, you can imagine that I'm both delighted and very uncomfortable with the fact that not once, but twice this week I had the same two men fighting for my attention.

I'm bewildered. It's not comfortable to be wedged between two men competing for your affection. I like them both. I'd be interested in seeing both of them again at some point. Just preferably not in the same place at the same time.

delinquent.

2007-05-24T14:10:00.001-05:00

If there are any readers left out there, well, color me surprised. I haven't been too good with our communication recently, I know. Things just get crazy sometimes. I'm starting to accept that my life does not look like a Honda parked in the driveway of a 3 BR home with a backyard and a grill. I'm envious of those lives, but it's not mine right now. I've now embraced the fact that my life is work, work, gym, drink, drink, kiss, sleep, gym, work, drink drink drink. Not necessarily always in that order.

I've been out of town a lot lately, too. As a matter of fact, since March, I've only been in town one weekend that I was not working. This has resulted in me crashing pretty hard over the past few days - I feel like I can barely keep my eyes open after lunch, or after work, or after dinner. That didn't stop me from drinking 2 out of the past 3 nights, however. Aren't you proud?

This weekend is promising. I'm in town, no plans to do any work, my roomies will be gone, the weather will be nice. I should do spring cleaning, but I'll probably just watch a lot of the Food Network or sun myself in the grass. But mostly I will just sleep, and I will love it.

another false confession

2007-05-16T08:35:00.001-05:00

Exonerated by DNA evidence

Despair.

2007-05-11T08:27:00.001-05:00

It's been a long time since I've cried at work, which is great! And is attributable to several recent changes. But today almost broke that streak - almost.

I had a moment that shot right through the routine of my day, right through my professional wall, that grabbed me and pulled me under into the depths of despair and it left me unarmed for the remainder of the day.

Yesterday was a hard day. It was very busy and very, very, very long. Towards the end, there were a lot of cases that were the perfect storm - domestic cases, clients with prior records, weapons, blood. Cases that clients explained indignantly as, "It was a verbal argument" followed by "I haven't caught ANY cases in YEARS" (6 months ago = Years?) "I haven't caught a felony in a LONG time man, someone should be respectin' me for that!" I'm sorry, you have 15 convictions. I want to tell you that you're a good person for not picking up a felony in the past 8 months. I do think that is very good, and I commend you. However, I have to focus on what the judge wants to focus on, not whether you deserve a gold star. But hey, no felony! Bonus! You're right, the reason you aren't getting out is because I didn't fight for you. I mean, but for me, you totally would've walked. Why did you tell me it was a verbal argument if there was blood found all over the hallway to the door? That would've been good to know before we walked out here, really.

In the middle of a day of these tiring and ineffective conversations, one client asked very directly, "Am I getting out? Because I need an xray of my chest."

And then I died a little bit inside.

The idea that there are people being roughed around by "the law" and thrown to the ground, knees in their back, in a chokehold, tossed over the hood of a car - the very behavior being condemned when someone not in uniform does it - just drives me insane. This guy was banged up, and he was in pain, and I couldn't do a damn thing for him. Nothing. The cops will never be accountable for it, because my guy's just a criminal to them. I can't stop them from doing it to him again, which they will. All I can do is say, "I'm sure there's excellent medical care in the county jail" if I'm lying or, "I'll see what I can do" if I can't bring myself to tell the truth. I want to hold his hand and say, "I'm so sorry for your pain and injuries. We'll get you through this." But I can't bring myself to make empty promises, either.

So you think your public defender doesn't fight for you, doesn't care about you, doesn't want to beat the system. You are wrong. Your public defender fights for you until she's broken and scarred, cares for you and wants you to be successful, and rages against the system more than you know. And when your public defender goes home at night, she cries for you.

torn

2007-04-30T23:21:00.001-05:00

I got not one, but TWO wedding announcements today. On top of the three weddings I'm attending this wedding season. I had a great night being single and drunk though, despite the fact that everyone else is paired up and sober.

Single drunkards, rock on.

I have no shame

2007-04-18T14:08:00.001-05:00

Today I had a 'first' in my professional career.

There is a critical witness who can completely exonerate my client. I don't have detailed contact information on him, but I have a ballpark estimate. So I put my card on the door of every. single. door. in the area. And then posted a ghetto-ass scribbled note where everyone in that area has to walk by to see it, asking for witnesses to call my #.

It's a bit embarrassing, the method, but if it works then it's worth it, and if it doesn't work then at least I know I did all I could, and didn't let shame get in the way.

theme song(s)

2007-04-13T13:18:00.000-05:00

If I had to pick one song in general, it would be "Hard Luck Story" by Whiskeytown. The tagline of my blog heading is actually a line from that song. It's a fun song.

If I had to pick a song that played every time I walked into a courtroom, it would be "P I M P" by 50 Cent.

If I had to pick a song that played over the closing scene of my work day, it would be "The World Spins Madly On" by The Weepies.

If I had to pick a song that played as I walked down the city streets on a night out, it would be "Dancin' With Myself."

6 yr old felon

2007-04-12T08:11:00.001-05:00

Slate has this article on a 6 yr old kid who was ARRESTED and CHARGED WITH A FELONY for having a tantrum in class. And even better, as far as I know, the charges have not been dropped. If you look at the document, the kid was actually, really and truly, put in jail.

It seems absurd and out of the ordinary, but childhood has been criminalized everywhere, everyday. I cannot even begin to count how many times I've represented an adolescent sibling because their younger brother or sister called the police, saying they got in a fight. And this isn't any unusual fight, where there were knives or anything involved. Nope. Just regular old arguing, sometimes some wrestling or pushing, and sometimes taking the other's property. And the cops actually arrest people for that, and the DA never ever ever dismisses those cases. It is happening all the time and no one seems to see how completely fucking absurd it is. The judge issues orders of protection so the kid can't go home, the DA won't dismiss the case so the kid has to take a plea, and the cops are happy to arrest 16 yr old girls for pushing her 11 year old brother after he broke her cell phone.

NO ONE IN THE COURT THINKS THIS IS SILLY! THIS IS FUCKING OUTRAGEOUS! I only wish I could say it was unusual. Unfortunately, the police and the courts are happy to criminalize this behavior. I only wish you knew how often this happened.

And to the school officials? Shame on you. You should not be in childhood education.

I can be a homeowner!

2007-04-10T10:09:00.001-05:00

I wa putzing around today on Yahoo's How Much House Can You Afford? calculator. Curious, I decided to give it a whirl. I put it my before-tax income, my loan and credit card payments, and $0 down payment. No other expenses were taken into consideration.

The result? I can afford a $-442 mortgage payment and $0 worth of house. That's right, that's a negative mortgage payment. I love mortgages where they pay YOU money every month! How fun! You know what these numbers mean, right? THE GOVERNMENT OWES ME A HOUSE.

Monday Musings

2007-04-08T20:10:00.001-05:00

I've been interrogated without counsel and no one read me my rights, over at PD Stuff's Monday Musings.

I am this week's featured guest, which means that you should let me off the hook for not posting for some time. Over at PD Stuff, you can read about why I became an attorney and how I came to learn a stranger's feelings for women's vaginas.

stuck

2007-04-01T13:04:00.001-05:00

I've started half a dozen entries and ditched them halfway through. There are things I'd like to write about but can't seem to write about them correctly. I wanted to tell you why I decided to become an attorney, I wanted to tell you about the guy at the bar who told me his feelings about women's vaginas, I want to tell you about some interesting cases I have right now, and I want to tell you about how I've been enjoying my personal time. When I sit down to explain it, it all comes out so dull and unfocused.

So, my apologies. But I'll keep trying.

chock full of crazy

2007-03-26T14:10:00.001-05:00

Perhaps I am tempting the fates by saying so, but today has been chock full of crazy. I think I'm done.

Manny being Manny.

2007-03-21T08:06:00.001-05:00

Blonde Justice sent me this link - Manny Ramirez is selling his grill on eBay. Check it out, if only for the pictures alone (he took pictures of himself with the grill! It's legit!)

right track, wrong solution

2007-03-20T13:08:00.001-05:00

Maryland shut down its correctional facility in Jessup because of the unacceptable number of attacks, on inmates and on corrections employees. Maryland also shut down several youth facilities (Bowling Brook, Hickey) recently because they, too, were plagued with problems.

The solution? Ship them out of state, out of sight, and out of the communities that they will be re-entering. I strongly disagree with this. Just in case you were wondering what I thought, Maryland. I disagree with you.

I think the argument is strongest in regards to juveniles, but is relevant to adults as well. With the kids in particular, it seems like a bad idea to take them away from their families and from their community to incarcerate them (I'm sorry, I mean "rehabilitate" them). If the facility is a good one, offering educational services and training programs and mental health / behavioral modification counseling, then how is it beneficial to give kids resources that they cannot continue when they're released?

And why is a prison in Kentucky or Massachusetts any better than a prison in Maryland? Chances are, it's not too much better, and really all you're doing is moving the 'trouble' out of sight, out of mind. You're moving people away from where anyone could advocate for them if they are being beaten, or are unsafe, or not receiving basic care.

I think the solution is more like what is happening in Texas - identify people who would do better by participating in services in the community (non-violent crimes in particular - drug possession, or even dealing), and provide services, instead of incarcerating them. And stop 'outsourcing' inmates to other states.

Letting go.

2007-03-16T18:06:00.001-05:00

Finding out that we won't have to see each other again is a little bit of a relief, because it means you have to let me go. I need you to let me go, because I can't let go on my own completely, not yet. I'm trying. But you're the only one who makes me feel like I'm beautiful, that I'm funny, and fun, and smart, and fascinating. There's something so remarkable about finding someone, accidentally, who knows you like no one else does. On my own I feel uncertain, unsteady, unwanted, uninteresting. But you - you see me, and think that what you see is worth something. Soon, after we stop seeing each other, I can stop needing you. The connection will be cut. I'll be lonely and uncertain for a while, but then I'll remember what it's like to just rely on myself again.

false confession article

2007-03-15T15:36:00.001-05:00

NYTimes: DNA exonerates a man was arrested at the age of 16, confessed after 6 hours of interrogation, and did 16 years in prison before being exonerated by DNA evidence.

booooooored.

2007-03-13T18:39:00.001-05:00

Seriously. I'm so bored. My life is so dull that on Sunday night when I was trying to fall asleep, I had nothing to think about. Nothing. At all. I had to get up, turn on a light, and mindlessly surf the internet for something to DO until I made myself sleepy.

I'm trying to eat healthy and be healthy, so I'm trying not to waste my time, well, wasted, and trying not to eat crap foods. I'm trying to be better about my spending habits and stop spending more than I make. However, my life is even more boring than it was before, because at least then I was bored while drunk and eating melted cheese. My house is clean. My laundry is done. I'm reading a book on the Supreme Court. I have a few trips planned but I'm so bored that I'm not even excited about those things anymore. Yeah, so I go somewhere else and do nothing for a while. Awesome. For almost a year now I've been waiting for something to inspire me and kickstart my life, but it's just not happening.

shout-out my peeps.

2007-03-12T21:00:00.000-05:00

There are two attorneys who have been my mentors in my first 18 months of attorneyhood. They both have different styles and each have decades of experience. They have been my supervisors in the sense that I've sought their assistance, almost exclusively, in developing my trial advocacy skills and trial strategy. One is a quietly sarcastic, somewhat brusque-mannered, tell it like you need to hear it kind of guy. The other is a mild-mannered former hippie / activist, big hearted, kind, nurturing, big-picture type of guy. When I come to a crossroads on a case, I'll speak with both of them in hopes that one will agree with the path I was inclined to take. And several times, that's been the case - one says go, the other says stop, and I get to pick the one I thought was right all along. They are both excellent trial attorneys and excellent teachers, and we have all since parted ways.

Despite the fact that we've parted, I started working on a trial this week and they are the first people I contacted to help me work through some tricky strategy decisions. Both of them have been happy to make the time to speak to me. Tonight I needed a brainstorming session ASAP, so in the middle of his evening at home one of my mentors took half an hour to brainstorm with me and help me work out some perplexing issues that I've been having a hard time resolving on my own.

I love that I have them to turn to for guidance and support, for some nurturing and nudging in the right direction, and best of all, I like that now I can do more of the brainstorming and the decision making and hear them tell me that I'm on the right track. I love that they are still so open to supporting me and offering me their help. Having them as my mentors, two people who are such good teachers, great attorneys, with differing perspectives, is such a blessing. Every day I am thankful that I have these people I respect and care for, who respect and look after me.

My advice to new attorneys: Find these mentors. Get out and about in your office, meet the attorneys who are there, take every opportunity to brainstorm with as many attorneys you can assemble in a room at one time. You'll find the ones who are a good fit for you, and finding these mentors will forever enrich your life, even after you go your separate ways.

leading people astray since 2004

2007-03-11T19:51:00.000-05:00

Permit me to respond to your searches, Part 3.

My heading is actually a song lyric from the Whiskeytown song, "Hard Luck Story."

You've come to the right place, but alas I have no answers.

Because you aren't attracted to him.

If it's wrong, then I don't want to be right.

Help for a burnt out law student: Take a long weekend. Skip a class or two, get out of town, visit people who knew you before law school, read the paper or a book or do something else that you just don't have the time for in law school. You have to do it. Get out of town.

Don't date a guy who quotes Friendster. What a tool.